another months-long summary
So I haven't written in a long while, can't say if these summaries and thoughts are new or repeats. I'll write them down just in case.
I haven't written much in general over the last months because one of my “depth” breakthroughs was about relationships. I've stopped chasing after friends that are drifting away, and it seems that's where most of my writing happened. It's not like I'll turn them away if they re-appear, but I'm done trying to invest in friendships that disappear once people's lives become busier. A new relationship, work things, I get it, things get in the way. But if I'm only entertainment for when your life is empty, nuh-uh. It's not even fair-weather friends, because even the best personal news goes unaddressed. (By the way – this isn't a call-out for anyone who might be reading this, don't worry. The people I mean are years-long “friends” who don't keep up with any personal link I might have sent them for staying in touch).
So, that's good for me, I think. I'm more appreciative of the few contacts I do have. Plus it's not really like I could've kept up with All the people that I'd want to have in my life in the capacity I'm imagining. I'd be online all the time. And I was, in the not so distant past, at the beginning of the pandemic. So it's for the better in that sense, too – I'm successfully less online!
Buying is... weird? The no-buy part of depth year was supposed to apply to tarot decks. I immediately changed the rule to “maybe a deck on birthday and christmas” and then again to “maybe one deck per quarter?” So that didn't exactly work. And I got decks as gifts as well, aside from those I got for myself. But I still learned a lot:
- I spent much more on those few decks than I usually would. When buying monthly I'd never pull the trigger on a big indie spend. The special quality of a Limited Purchase Opportunity justifies the bigger spend, but...
- Expensive decks can be just as disappointing as cheap/mass market decks.
- I've written already how it's about the using that makes tarot satisfying, not the getting, but!
- Sometimes you do need a new thing in your enclosure, and I think I've learned to recognize that impulse. Instead of jumping straight into “what new deck can I get?” I look at old decks I've packed away, I read a book, I try a new art supply.
I'm no longer looking at the month's “pocket money” as soon as it comes in and thinking, “Right, what can I spend this on?” I just use it for books and art when the time is right/the opportunity arises. I don't feel as deprived, with the free pass to spend on fiction and art, but also it's made me feel as if I'm not... really... doing anything special? Like, I forgot I'm on a depth/low-buy year and just kind of bought a game out of nowhere, for the novelty. It's one I've always known I'm probably gonna get but I didn't even put down special rules about this sort of spend because of how rarely I buy games. Which makes me think – maybe a year long project is just too long to keep focus? If I'd remembered the whole concept for the year it'd be instantly clear that the answer to “should I buy this” should have been “no.”
Next year I'm thinking of doing a couple of shorter experiments, maybe 3 or 4-month long (so I don't forget I'm actually doing one), each with a different focus. I'm hoping what I've learned in terms of art habits and spirituality (I consider both significantly “deepened” or at least expanded! Success!) will remain, alongside a diminished tarot “fervor”, and I can for example go deeper with the nature around me, or learn to be more giving/generous, or alternatively/in a different season – really try to save some money, as this low-buy year really didn't work for that.
Another thing I'm having a bit of a focus-issue with is journaling. I loved doing my tarot journal + list of random thoughts, ideas, good things, events on the other side of the page. But I've started the #DROPM78 mindful tarot challenge and it's messed it all up. I now do what little writing is required for that and can't be bothered with the regular journal, but I've really been relying on the idea-list for a lot of things. I don't want to spread out across many journals. I think I'll drop the challenge (at day 22) and go back to the previous format. I've been bookbinding little booklets for that previously, but maybe that's also a kind of obstacle/distraction? I could just do it in any old notebook, I harvest the ideas into a file at the end of the month anyway, it doesn't matter what the notebook is, that's probably as much looking back as I'm going to do with it anyway. It's more about the process of thinking things through on the page.
Kind of like here – sorry for the ramble! I could've just updated the blog as soon as each of these ideas crystalized. Had I remembered I'm doing and recording The Thing. Maybe shorter projects will be better for archiving as well? Time will tell. Logging off now.