0lvr

i think aside from general blogging i'm going to return to some daily tarot journaling. it was doing me good last year (or was it 2022?) and i could use some nice spirituality-adjacent goodness.

wondering whether to use that journaling space as a way to contact some of “my” spirits. it's not something i talk about much publicly, but i haven't been doing almost any of my magic (come to think about it – since about i started T). i think i might need to find “my way” again, anew. the energies i've been most drawn to in the past aren't resonating right now and haven't been for a while. could be that it's cyclical (although 16 years is quite the length of a cycle...?) could be it's tied to my perception of self and the general state of my mental health.

used to be a bit of a “wretched” vibe when it came to magic and spirits – the outcasts, the trash. shedding and un-becoming, things that slough off and transform through decay. things lost and dark. a silence, but a hot fertile wetness.

i think how i feel about life and self is different now. i don't want to be invisible, i don't yearn for change (as it's already happening), the hidden crucible of the heated earth is no longer the comforting, protective place it once was. now? i don't know. there was airiness for a while. literal physical connection with all through respiration – inspiration – spirit. while it was something i felt, it wasn't exactly calling and enrapturing me.

what is life like now? an openness, wanting to connect, be seen, find a place to grow with and into. more firy? strange to say that, knowing how little energy or motivation i seem to have. but that's the point – maybe if i found a way to tap into that power again, my sort of power, i could align the self-feeling with the physical reality of the body (or the other way around). the energy now is like... “day and action”, but the “direction” isn't there.

i've mentioned before – i don't want a spirituality that takes me away from the reality of the here-and-now. but i think it should be possible to find a spiritual filter that enhances that experience, rather than warping it in a way that prioritizes the constructed structures of the paradigm over the real, “should-ing” the experiences of reality into itself.

so i might reach out through tarot – to old allies, ancestors, maybe deities as well? maybe it's time to dust off the icon of Apollon, or cast a wider net? put out the call, or simply listen to who and what is already here...