end of may
Things are very slow when you're not “should-ing” and just being open to the here and now, to the natural progression of events. On one hand I'm really enjoying the slowness. I'm not sure it's slowness exactly, time just stretches out into more? So, I like that. Things happen in roughly the same amount, but they feel like more – more present, more saturated. On the other hand I'm still doubtful sometimes – like trying to write this update. What am I to report? Things are.
I notice “appreciating things” isn't something to be forced or developed in yourself, it's a matter of noticing, and in that noticing things become apparent. Some things reveal their good qualities and a good feeling arises. Most things reveal their lack of quality, and that's fine. Don't need to appreciate them beyond that lesson. Wish I knew what to do with them. Need to wait them out, I suppose, not a fan of just tossing something when there's still some use to it, even if it could be better and I'd choose differently now.
I realized the needful “more” feeling I had/have about tarot comes from many different sources. Sometimes the feeling is more of a “purchase” feeling, and tarot is an easy purchase to make. Sometimes there's nostalgia – I might still, maybe next year, hunt down all the decks that were my firsts, which I no longer have and are out of print. But a lot of the time the “more” was about not getting to interact with the cards as much, as often, as deeply as I'd like. I've remedied that on reddit, of all places. Often people are looking for help interpreting something, for a free reading, an exchange. I can dip in and out of the threads at my convenience, without the mental burden of doing this for work, connect and help some folks out, imbue the meanings of my cards with their stories. It's good.
I've been working quite consistently in my sketchbook, it feels like a sort of diary without actually being a visual journal of events. The themes, sketches, characters all carry memories of this time. If I'm not reading an interesting book, this will be my predominant leisure activity. I never had a sketchbook perform this particular function, it's nice. I do miss making bigger illustrations. Did one for mermay but an external prompt isn't the same as something coming from the inside. I've only had that creative frenzy in two fandoms, and recently I've been thinking about why. I need to deeply identify with one of the protagonists, and the story needs to help me process something about myself, past or present. It's strange that only two bits of media have managed that in my adult life, or ever – Hannibal (the tv show), and The Raven Cycle (a book series by Maggie Stiefvater). Or I guess I could be grateful that they were there at all! Not one, but two! Still, hopeful of encountering something just as inspiring, even if it doesn't meet the suspected criteria above. That type of creative urge – needing to let it out, feeling like you might burst with it – really propels my artistic growth. Maybe one day I can make original characters I care about (how does one do that?) and then I could always have the urge to create? Not sure that's how that works.
End of transmission. Looking forward to the newness of June. Excited to be almost at the halfway mark of this project.