0lvr

First let me summarize the observations I've been making on mastodon:

• whether my projects are about external artistic expression, or internal mind-shifting around self-care, they all feel like an attempt at making myself more acceptable, trying to prove my worth, even if it's to myself,
• with all this work I “have to” put into myself and into my life, it feels like I'm very much lacking and broken – which I'm not,
• what works best so far for motivation is asking myself a few times a day “is there anything I can make a little bit better?” (less pressure, plus caring for something is speaking my language)
• the above requires being aware and present, I'm using a timed chime to remind me and ground me.

This made it clear that apart from staying rooted in the present and gently engaging with it, I might need to find a similar hack for self-acceptance. I haven't found it yet, but this whole ordeal of “oh hell, what am I even doing, what even is this depth year?” inspired me to try a visualization/guided meditation thing where you find a message from your subconscious. I've been trying it for a while and after a few tweaks if finally worked. I suppose on some level that too is digging deeper.

Sparing you the process and skipping directly to the result – the message from my subconscious came in the form of a Peruvian clay ocarina, decorated to look like a scarab. Two messages there – scarab and ocarina.

Superficially, the scarab happened because I recently went back to playing Animal Crossing and saw the dung beetle for the first time this winter. Symbolically though, the scarab represents my very first tattoo. It was very important for me to get it as soon as possible at that time in my life – I was pushing through my third year of severe autistic burnout.

It seems appropriate that the scarab would come up at this moment, which feels like such a threshold. I've been trying to live a different life and confusedly going about it by acting out its external, superficial manifestations. Now I'm shifting to trying to find the inner core of that process which would some day naturally manifest in all those art projects, mindful spending, feeling materially satisfied etc.

My scarab tattoo was meant to represent Chepri. I'm no expert on Egyptian mythology and everything that follows is based on my teen-self's understanding, but back then he was a big symbol of hope for me. The god that pushes the sun up over the horizon, making a new day happen – which if I remember correctly wasn't a guarantee, but a daily miracle. Furthermore, it meant the re-creation of the world. Each night the world and the universe dissolved into chaos, and each morning Chepri re-created the world, making order rise up from that chaos.

For me, getting that tattoo was like clinging tightly to a talisman meant to assure order will rise from chaos, that things will make sense and fall into place again. I think the scarab symbol here is telling me that order will arise, it's just not that easy for a mere mortal to re-create themselves and their whole world in a few days or even weeks. I need to keep going.

The ocarina is something that came up in conversation with my partner a few weeks back, about practicing a musical instrument. I did once own a Peruvian ocarina, although it was more of a touristy trinket than an actual instrument, I think my mind only picked that for its shape and how it relates to the scarab. I do actually still own an inline Mountain Ocarina, which I stopped trying to play years ago due to how loud you have to get with it. The owner of the brand extolled the virtues of a small pendant ocarina – it's the best instrument to learn how to play because of its size and handiness. You can always have it with you, therefore multiplying your opportunities for practice. Any spare 10-15 minutes can be devoted to progress.

I think that last part is the message: I can practice my values and my chosen focus for the year at any moment. You can try and be present any time. You can try and accept yourself any time. You can try and improve something any time. It's also related to a thing from the Stoics – unsurprising, seeing as I'm doing the daily stoic journal – treating every moment as an opportunity to practice one of the four stoic virtues. So it all comes down to the small moments, the noticing of the Now as the only moment of power, of opportunity. “Opportunity” – how can I make the most of this? Not “chastisement” – why am I not doing x and y right now?

I don't know if I can clearly and easily implement these messages going forward, but I think they're a good sign of things falling into place, I'm gaining more understanding of what's happening, what's trying to happen, or is “supposed to” happen in those inner workings of mine. For now I'll keep trying to be in the here-and-now, and to gently improve things. Maybe I'll dig out that ocarina, too. Until things either change again, or it's time for another message from the subconscious.