0lvr

I've used many words today, but I'm hoping I have enough left for an update because I've had a mini-breakthrough. Or maybe the beginnings of a huge breakthrough. Basically I've been torn between two approaches, two paths, as I couldn't really identify my “underlying problem”. Should I be working on self-compassion, self-love, undoing internalized ableism, or do I need to learn the skills to overcome my challenges and get in gear, see what I could accomplish if I had more focus and more tools to boost my executive functions? The loving side says “fuck capitalism and the cult of productivity”, the accomplishment side says “how convenient, what a great political excuse to not even try”.

I realized I wasn't asking myself the deciding question, I wasn't considering my values or goals. I think my primary goal is to be happy – as long as I'm not hurting anyone else in the process, and while I'm being present, of course. I am already quite happy in my “normal” life, at my regular operational level. I don't get a lot done, but I allow myself to explore and have fun, while tending to my responsibilities to the best of my current abilities. The only thing making me unhappy is that undermining voice of “but why wouldn't you want to do more?”

I think this is finally giving me a direction. I'm not going to be trying to get myself to a level of “higher functioning”. The only person putting that pressure on myself is me and my expectations of what it means to be a good person, a worthy person. Clearly I'm still harboring ableist beliefs – it's easier to direct compassion to other disabled people where I can't offer myself that same courtesy, and clearly there is still on some level a feeling of unworthiness, of feeling I need to prove myself to someone, even if it's only to myself. Self-love it is then.