it’s been a lot
Well, it’s been a while, again, but this time there is quite a bit to report. There have been many purchases and I’m feeling a mix of things about it all.
Very few purchases were from the “to avoid” category (magic books – disappointing), so that’s good. The mistake there was I got tempted into it because someone else was buying. But the point wasn’t not to spend “my” money, just not to introduce more shit of the same sort into my life until I’m done with the previous batch. So that was a bit of a fail.
A purchase toeing the line – I got a fountain pen. I planned for it. I was trying to use up all the mismatched fine-liners I had at home, and I did go through quite a few, but it turns out they’re shit to write with. And what that did was just make me not-write. But I need to journal. Not just a few sentences in the Stoic Journal in the morning and evening, but proper long-form entries, digging through my feelings. Nothing beats the smooth flow of a fountain pen, and all my previous ones were broken one way or another. Hopefully I’ve learned from those mistakes and won’t mess this one up as well. It’s not strictly an “art supply” but I’ve been making good use of it in my “ink only” sketchbook, bringing back memories of doodling in class. And I think it does bring me closer to the physical world, anchors me here with the smell of the ink, the weight of its casing, the ritual of refilling the cartridge from the bottle. It’s made my life better and I don’t regret it. And I have so many inks standing around waiting to be used, would probably last a lifetime.
I do regret falling for the same trap of “it’s not my money” and getting a fancy fat notebook to go with the pen. I was going to play a solo ttrpg in it and I started off quite enthusiastically but basically abandoned it a few days in. I hope to go back to it for the fun creative writing exercise that it is, but the weather has been stifling and not much creativity has been happening overall, so I’m not too bummed out about it yet.
The biggest purchase is something that I couldn’t have even predicted when I was planning this Depth Year adventure. I got a bass guitar. The only thing that’s making me a bit squirmy about it is that it was very close to a Mistake. A brush with a big Failure. It happened right after a big emotional upset and could potentially have been a pick-me-up sort of thing. It wasn’t, not directly, but it could have been, if I hadn’t been more careful. And that’s a bit of a jump, cost-wise, from a tarot-sized pick-me-up to a whole-ass instrument. It’s not exactly that I had a moment of “need to purchase”. It was more like – I was really crushed and tried to think of things that would make me feel better, and since my partner had a new guitar and was spending a lot of time on music, I thought it would probably feel great to be able to spend more time with them while also supporting their passion and maybe learning something for myself. So I suggested I could learn the bass-lines to the songs they play. It wasn’t a bought-it-as-soon-as-I-thought-about-it purchase, at least not by choice – partner got very excited and we went the next day. Generally I’m having a lot of fun, and it’s definitely contributing to the here-and-now grounding, and art, and self-expression, so I kind of got lucky that it turned out to be what I hoped. But it very easily could have been something else.
I looked to the card reading for Q3 I posted previously, and the 5 of Spades and 2 of Hearts are still relevant. I did find out about a medical condition and have unexpectedly spent money on both the doctor’s visit and costly supplements to slow down/reverse the problem. But I think most of the “doctoring” pertains to my decision to medically transition. Tickets to another city, doctor’s visits – there are the basic, expected costs, and then there are the costs of “being on an adventure”. They’re very much allowed in my understanding, as long as we’re paying for experiences and not pointless Stuff. The 2 of Hearts is a more literal connection – I’ll be traveling back to my home country to see family. They’re doing really well with Covid there and there’s not going to be a better time. So of course, expenses. Tickets, souvenirs for Gran etc. But again – as long as it’s making memories, it’s fine by me.
That said, I wouldn’t mind if I managed to Not Buy anything for a while. Maybe even ‘til the end of the year. Well, that won’t happen, the last part of a trilogy I’m reading is coming out in October so there will be that for sure. But I’d like to be more Vigilant about it all. I don’t know, I think I got used to not-buying certain things that I completely let my guard down, and other stuff started slipping in. So here I am, renewing that commitment.
There have been successes, of course. I patched up my fave pair of pants, twice, instead of getting new ones. The garden is yielding fruit. I’ve even done a little bit of magic (well, ongoing) for more/better/new engagement with my passions. If only the weather would let us all live. It’s easy to be passive and lenient in the heat. Maybe that’s a lesson to figure out – how to withstand the Terrible Sensations and Low Energy of Summer without giving into watching tv endlessly and/or finding stimulation in easy purchases?