random notes and observations for week 1 of march
I realized being online really messes with time perception. I knew I wanted to be more present, and that here-and-now are the same, but usually I focused on/felt the Here more. To be in the space, in the body. But the sense of time itself is so different online and off. Days offline are longer, more memorable, filled with more variety. I've started doing more things by hand on purpose, to keep me here and now, like doing the dishes.
The more things I do in meat-space the less I mind chores. Previously, chores were one of the very few things I did in meat-space (vs being glued to the screen – for art, entertainment, socializing – everything), so doing them was unpleasant; it seemed like it was all I was doing. Now that I do a variety of things in meat-space, chores don't stand out so much and are actually quite pleasant, just another way to remind myself of my agency and effect on the world.
I'm trying to get off the laptop as much as possible, keep it powered down and a pain in the ass to use. I need the internet a few times a day to catch up on world events but it's too easy to go on social media. And apart from storing notes on tarot and reading e-books, there's hardly anything for me to do on the computer. (Need to move those books to the e-reader).
I'm doing better about not going on tumblr, I've definitely stopped scrolling to the bottom of my dash. I'm more discerning with the youtube vids I'm watching, they have to bring me value. It's also easier to just switch them off if they're not providing.
I instated a little journal on my phone, as recently explained by struthless on youtube in his video on micro-journaling. I'm hoping it will distract me from social media – I'm going to write in it when I reflexively unlock my phone for no real reason. This might mean uninstalling the emotions check-in app, I don't want to double up. It will also serve as a place to summarize my day for my own benefit and future reference, something I've been trying to do on mastodon, but which meant firing up the laptop in the evening because I kept forgetting to do it. And once the laptop is on...
One of the prompts in the stoic journal got me to think about what objects gave me the most value so far this year, and it's been all my art supplies. I love making physical things. I've had fun collaging, book binding, making the cover for my study journals, using art in magic and devotion. Whether it's for self expression, decoration, or for a functional purpose, I've had the best experiences cobbling things together from odd bits and ends I've collected over the years. I know I want to prioritize traditional media art and craft (a little bit daunting seeing how unfamiliar I am with it and how comfortable and relatively good I am with digital media), but it got me thinking about getting more supplies.
I know a lot of the fun comes from the challenge of working with what you already have and I'm not intending to go all out with purchases. It's one of the areas I haven't clearly defined the rules for in this no-buy year and here it is, coming around to bite me in the ass. I'm definitely seeing a gap in my stash for mark-making tools that would work on top of different surfaces. So I'm looking into pastels and maybe basic sharpies for now. I'll soon need to figure out a storage solution for all these materials to be easily accessible, instead of living in a box in a cupboard somewhere – trying to make the thing that brings me most satisfaction as easily accessible as possible, and the things that most steal my time – as difficult to access as possible.
I'm still going deep with tarot, even if it's not the main focus of this year right now. I keep getting reminded that that should still be survival, and mental and emotional health, seeing as the pandemic is still ongoing and the world is on fire in many other ways. I'm studying the Ancient Italian deck from LoScarabeo – daily readings, studying the images to arrive at my own meanings for the pips. I'm dreading doing the Majors because that's usually the most boring part to research for me. But I have good books to lean on when I finally get there, so hopefully I won't just drop this project right in the middle. Maybe the need to complete the artsy part of it will also help as motivation – I already made the journal, the pages are titled, I can't just leave it like this! But I'm also trying to prepare myself to let it go if and when the project runs its course, even if it's earlier than I think it “should”.
That's my next step. I've worked hard to stop “should”ing at myself. The negative self-talk is mostly gone, or easy to ignore. The hard part now is – I'm holding on to other draining things. Other habits, interests, social groups I'm doing on autopilot without really getting anything out of it.
Plan of action:
- question more things – why am I engaging with them? Let go where I can.
- stay off the computer, only turn it on for a specific purpose – news, letter to a friend, organizing a tarot project etc.