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(cw for food talk in “insight 2”)

While continuing work with Outrageous Openness, Feeding my Demons, and daily writing with the stoic journal and the tarot, I've had a series of insights about my nebulous “stuff”, the first of which I posted on mastodon. But they just kept coming, so I'm moving this here for safekeeping.

Insight 1: I've lived by the principle of aligning with the flow of life for a long time now, going as far as to name it the very core of magic. and I only just realized I've only applied that on a broad metaphysical level. Going with the flow of the “signs”, of the spirits that call, the practices that meet a need. I've never allowed myself to do that on the most mundane level, because that – in my mind – is governed by different principles entirely. But I'm beginning to see it's not. Why would it be? Just because we built society in such and such a way? The profane follows the sacred, the physical the meta-physical.

My best days, both happiest and most “productive” (defined as “I did things and was satisfied with them” – whether the things were obligations, chores, or leisure, personal pursuits), are the ones where I flow with my impulses and external opportunities. A time-table makes itself, based on my energy levels, external impulses, and what's available to me. Trouble starts when I try to introduce my opinions on how the world is supposed to work, or how one should be in the world – quick to swallow the frog, delay personal gratification, work when others are working, or chastise yourself if you're not. I might still get things done, but it's without joy or pleasure. I might not get things done, and all I've achieved is laying guilt on myself the whole day. Going lightly with the flow of what is is so easy and satisfying it feels like cheating. I haven't learned to trust it yet, but maybe that's the next step to try.

Insight 2: I used to think I'd just lay around all day, if given total free rein, but I've accidentally proven it untrue many times now. I just haven't had the courage to let those reins free on purpose. It's kind of like when I got more relaxed about food. I thought that if I wasn't vigilant, I'd just uncontrollably consume the “bad” food. But when I consciously removed chocolate and sweets from a “forbidden – but I still shamefully eat it” category, it became much more long-lived in our house. “Forbidden” is much more troublesome than “allowed”. I need to allow more, and trust myself more.

Insight 3: (from a modified journal prompt) Does my “should-ing” ever accomplish anything good? It does make things happen, but it's not the only way of getting things done (if that's even the goal). It's miserable. As that saying goes – if being hard on yourself worked it would have worked by now. I pulled the Ace and the Queen of Wands from the Thoth deck – “should-ing” shames me into action and somewhat unlocks my motivation, that's why I've been holding onto it so hard. I don't know of other ways of accessing that. Wanting was never allowed, my wants and needs ignored so I learned not to have those, or at least not act on them. I need to make my preferences, wants and needs important again, and rule them in a softer way, one that serves me.

I'm trying to apply this trust and honor myself more. It's slow going, but the shell is cracking.