0lvr

So I've been hanging out in this bit of a limbo. Not really wanting the thrill of checking off a goal without enjoying the process of the achievement itself. Not really enjoying anything, mostly due to aches and pains, partly due to the earlier realization that I'm slapping band-aids on something deeper that I don't know how to tackle or even identify to my satisfaction. I'm not drawn to my usual interests either. It happens sometimes. I've been flipping through tarot decks and tarot books without much conviction and decided to do a reading about this stalemate week. Inspired by a little passage from one of Rachel Pollack's books – she wrote how the wisdom is literally right there in the cards, you can just look and always learn something – I pulled out a deck I knew I could do that with – the Deviant Moon: based on the Waite-Smith system, with illustrations of people actually doing things, not just standing around being pretty. Nor fragmented collages, or abstracted pre-interpreted symbols, or just pips. People doing things. That's another thing I might add to my future buying guidelines for decks: diverse, non-gimmicky, people actually doing things. Not absolutely necessary but I don't have enough of those decks.

I've forgotten this basic way of reading that had been my default for years and years. Only just last year I started getting seriously into spreads. I never gave them much mind previously, they seemed limiting. Because the positions seemed to be so separated from each other and the issue, and the cards were disconnected from each other and couldn't talk to each other. The former issue is easily fixed by weaving the story together, either as it progresses or at the end, but the cards themselves being separate and arranged in strange shapes I couldn't get over. Well, having read spreads all year I got used to the disconnected nature of the cards and focused more on what I “know” the cards to mean, on their book meanings and keywords and such. I wanted to see what would happen if I intentionally allowed the cards to play with each other again, and wow did the illustrations cooperate with each other, bringing out interesting messages.

I asked about this prolonged pause and what to do about not feeling great on three levels – the very present moment, this transitional period in the context of the whole depth year, and that deeper, unidentified, more long-term issue.

• In the short term: instead of wallowing (the creature under the table of the 10 of Coins) make the executive decision (the Emperor squashing a small creature and looking off to the right) to play (the Page of Coins). The Page actually reminded me of Cinder from Marissa Meyer's books, so could also mean “just go read a book”.
• On the middle tier of depth year unease – the Sun illuminated the illusions stacked in the 7 of Cups, but the painter couldn't start painting what's real before the Temperance card brought them some water to rinse their brush. I'm in a brush-rinsing moment. No need to rush with the next move, or it'll still be “stained” by the wrong assumptions and false hopes. It could also be a literal nudge towards visual arts and original work.
• The deep one was the most complicated but had the best interactions between the cards. The creature in the 10 of Wands is hoarding all the energy and won't share. It's difficult and counterproductive. The Strength card has a figure locked in battle with the 10 of Wands creature, but nobody's really winning, it's pointless. The last card – the King of Pentacles – holds the real prize, and at first I thought he wrestled it from the creature's belly, but then I noticed his face is a combination of the heads of both creatures in the Strength card. The prize is not one winning or overpowering the other in an attempt to reclaim energy. The key is to combine, to be both, to aspire to wholeness without trying to distance myself from the “difficult” parts. I guess in this case the difficult parts are how much struggle is involved in getting my executive functions to work. I have a hard time not resenting myself for being so “lazy” and not being able to get “the basic minimum” done, even though there are literally no other requirements or responsibilities resting on me and I know many autistic people require help even in those so called “basics”. So the answer to the deepest layer would be working on self-compassion and internalized ableism, but... not sure how to do that. (Of course right after I wrote this I went on a search not of how to accept oneself, but how to improve executive function. Apparently CBT is good for that but can I even approach it from a loving place, rather than “I have to fix this, this is unacceptable”? And is it even “fixable” when you're autistic?)

Regardless of how applicable those messages are, they've calmed me down and gave me at least a vague sense of direction. And most importantly restored my playful, flexible way of reading the cards. I'm counting that as depth year win.