I remember why I couldn’t stop screaming. Total borderlessness. For whatever reason I’ve been lucky to distract myself away from the secret. Away from reality. Realisation. “Was”. Identification of the infinite. It’s as if my entire perception became that roller coaster. That ungrounded feeling of no end and no beginning. That I have nothing to hold on to. That I am completely alone. It makes me so afraid. Why? Of going insane. Because I’m still married to the idea of being a good person. Of not interfering with others lives. Scared of losing control. Over my experience. That kind of is the case though. No, it’s really the case. I’m not in control. God, humans aren’t meant to know this stuff. If you look too deeply into life you go insane huh. God I wish I was somehow able to find lasting peace. I will say though. Right before the cut away to insanity. There is a big overwhelming peace. Ahhh… I forgot about this. I am afraid of the contortions my body is making. Is it to deal with the energy of the universe? Or the sensation of adapting to a human body? ----- Did I learn anything by glimpsing reality just now? Maybe the lesson is that it can be glimpsed without overwhelming fear. That I can return to a safe and stable state of mind. That I don’t need a psychotic break. I feel as if what I look at and experience is the exact same that all crazy people are looking at and experiencing when they’re on a rampage. Yet it’s also the exact same thing that perhaps, all blissed out meditators and spiritual practitioners get to look at and experience. Maybe the only difference between the crazed individual and the blissed out meditator is that the meditator has a very well trained mind and breathing process. My god what a wake up call though. 5:58am and I’m shivering and sweating. ----- I just texted my wife the following, then deleted out of a fear of it making her feel nervous/bad (she’s had anxiety issues in the past, and her dad was a violent schizo drug user): > I am a little concerned that I fucked my mind up with psychedelics > Saw things that humans aren’t meant to [capable of] see[ing] > Not that it’s scary or bad, just that it’s infinite When I began typing “I hope I can get it under control” I realised I’d be doing more harm than good. She’d start feeling I’m unreliable, worry that I’d become psychotic, etc. But you know the fucked up thing? I can’t tell you that I’ll never take psychedelics again. Because I don’t know if I’ll ever need to. ----- Thank fuck that the glimpse was a momentary sensation and I even felt a partial sense of control over my body, and my breathing massively helped my experience. I saw the same thing I call the white void btw. Borderlessness. Unlabelled reality. God the breath is important. Without it, everything becomes either lower quality or terrifying. But I also know this. There’s no saviours. No curandeiro, no god, no wife nor friend, no Wim Hof, can save me from that groundlessness. This is something I’ve got to wrestle with - for my life. Doesn’t mean I can’t express myself and make art out of the struggle. But to expect salvation is futile. Ok. Happy sleep time. Beijos.