Hi I'm Zoey

After what happened yesterday I woke up and was questioning if I was really a girl and trans or if I'm just mistaking other symptoms. But it made me think of my ex who would disassociate and I don't think telling her she was a guy would have helped much since she isn't trans.

I forgot to mention!! I got my hair dyed yesterday. A dark, shiny blue.

I really love the colour and having this hair makes me super happy. When I first saw it done I got really excited but then I immediately saw the rest of my face and it didn't feel as good anymore.

At work today my co-workers really like it! Even my boss was impressed. And that again made me feel happy but it also brought with it voice dysphoria. I just want to sound happy like a girl. Which means that today will just be spent alternating between the 2 emotions a lot. At least it's making me extra motivated to start voice training for real. I watched some introduction videos that introduced it like a science instead of an art (Link) and that really helps me a lot because when I can measure the success of something instead of relying on feeling I do much better at that task. It makes me know I will have the voice I dream of eventually. First time peeing sitting down today. It feels right. Also a good excuse to write my diary on company time.

It's now lunch and we're doing a tech lunch where us developers sit and watch a video on some web development related technology while eating. I went and made a call to my doctor clinic and asked them for what to do next which is my first official call to try and get help. It feels good and I hope it leads somewhere nice. Sit back down and I can't finish the food because my appetite just isn't there. I know why, because I'm still fat and I know I will look a lot better with less weight. I knew that before too but now I feel it very strongly inside me. Also I try to look at the video but I space out and start thinking about dresses and makeup. I'm so shy I don't know if I can go there alone and buy it yet but it makes me happy thinking about it now whereas before it just made me feel uncomfortable.

I'm also switching extremely quickly between feeling very powerful, like I'll be a cool as fuck girl nerd, and feeling dysphoric as hell because I look the way I do. But I'm still doing good socially and I'm very, very productive.

I left work and despite my earlier thoughts I haven't felt as good going home. Still feeling dysphoric but the music sounds so good and my online friends are so nice. Everything is great right now. I came home and even did chores willingly. Me and my parents are going to build some IKEA furniture tonight, the rest of all the stuff I bought hopefully. I did have to hold up the mirror while my dad measured me and seeing my full body like that made me feel weak and stupid. But I recovered from it fairly quickly at least. My parents saw my hair too, now, and they said they liked it. Not sure they were all that convinced though honestly but hey they don't need to be. My hair is for me and it makes me feel great. The only thing I like about my body right now. It's colorful, a bit on the darker side, and shiny, which is a perfect match for how I feel inside.

I am done with IKEA furniture (for today) and let me tell you it wasn’t great. I’m usually good with just assembling IKEA furniture but it was hard focusing on it. Partially because I am emotions but also partially because dysphoria hit me pretty hard when I was around my parents. After near every sentence I got that familiar pain inside me and had to try to not deal with it visibly.

I have parents. They’re great though, really. Both atheist and liberal and probably would be fine with me being trans as far as I know. But you see I’m not that easy and I’m very private usually. I don’t like telling people that close to me about stuff like this even though I’m sure it’s real. I guess my current goal that I’m waiting for isn’t to just be dysphoric but to have something I can do about it, a solution if you will, before I come out and talk about it. Basically I want to pop the titty pills first then I come out to my parents. And as an aside I am so fucking ready for the titty pills. My relationship with my parents is great. We’re on fantastic terms and they help me through so much still. They’re the only reason I’ve even gotten this far anyway and I love them forever. But god do they make me tired to be around. They always have. It was one of the reasons my childhood was so unbelievably stressful. (I’ll write about my childhood at some point for sure) My dad is cool and we’re on the same wavelength, although it’s still draining to be near him. But my mom, and I love her to death, just doesn’t mesh with me. So she’s extra tiring to be around and I hate going shopping with her. My sister is great and I’ve loved going shopping with her my whole life. She knows what she wants and doesn’t spend time just fucking around.

Anyway as I was saying it was overall a very dysphoric experience. Being around people but not enough people makes me acutely aware of how I look and how much hair I have.

I also thought about how I see myself in social situations. Before I cracked I was always… not very good at them. To say the least. Now, and I have no idea how this works, I just know what to say more easily. In fact it just comes to me as I’m talking. Probably a comfort thing? As in cracking made me less on edge and allows to me to just speak words in a natural conversational flow. It’s my best guess though and I have no idea what’s actually going on. Also I say thank you a lot more often and apologizing doesn’t feel wrong anymore either. It used to be that when I apologized I felt like I was backing down but now it just feels like the normal and reasonable thing to do.