Hi I'm Zoey

Didn't think about it and accidentally peed standing up. Doubly didn't think about it because my penis wasn't cooperating and a few drops splashed on my pants. Normally this would be a “shit” moment but now it's that and “fuck if I just sat down this wouldn't have happened.” Oh hi, dysphoria. Hadn't seen you for a while today. Almost a whole hour without it even. That being said I don't mind my penis. Maybe this will change in the future but right now I'm ok with it being there even if I don't associate it with me much at all. If people talk about it it's very neutral to me and they can do it without me feeling dysphoric.

The socialising continues though where today I had a bit of downtime and just on my own asked my colleagues on the projects I knew well if they needed any help. Turns out they did and together we solved the problems they were having much faster and better than if they tried to do it themselves since one is a UX guy and the other is still quite new. It feels really good helping people and I've known that my whole life. I still have a strong memory of being a young kid and being good at ice skating. So I was skating around when I saw this girl who was shit at it and she really struggled to do anything. In an uncharacteristic moment for my previous 27 years of behaviour I went up to her and helped her. I showed her how to become a friend with the ice and not work against it but with it. I felt so deeply warm and pleasant inside after but things like that were quickly stamped out by expectations of toxic masculinity. Expectations that for around 1.5 years now I've been desperately trying to strip out of my mind. That stripping out was part of an ongoing process of me turning into a woke turbo leftist who was very much about fighting gender norms. Doing that long before realising I'm trans helped infinitely with not having hatred of myself or doubts about my new identity because, while 3 years prior I still had shitty ideas about trans people that would have destroyed me if I'd tried to transition back then, I didn't feel like I was any less valid and already had some baseline information on what being trans might feel like.

I am feeling so unbelievably powerful. Spending time with the trans girls just makes me realize more and more about how… much of a girl I am. I am binary, but, like, girl. I’m about to purge every last part of masculinity I find out of my system forever. Only keeping it in memory so I can put on my cis-face to work. You know, pretending like I don’t care about people's feelings. All of that dumb toxic masculine stuff that I’ve been trying to rip out anyway. I care so much now it’s actually stupid. How was your day? I can’t wait to find out! Seriously. Right now I’m feeling like it’s not a matter of pretending like I’m not broken, now I’m just a girl pretending to be masculine. I guess it was all a charade my whole life anyway what with the stupid parts of me that cared about people. I feel like this makes me so different from other trans people. I’m not depressed or have like really bad mental health issues. It pains me so much when I see all of these beautiful men and women have so much turmoil inside of them just because nature decided to fuck them, specifically, over. I am dysphoric as all hell and dropping my voice even by accident among my colleagues makes me violently cringe (Oops, can’t let them see that, gotta hide that!) but, like someone just told me, the dysphoria pushes me to transition faster. Which is good, even though it feels so bad. Can’t win them all, eh? I also feel stupidly euphoric. Every time I get validation, confirmation, or in any way get dominated get told how good I am my brain still freezes. Callback to entry #1 here but it doesn’t feel any less good. I’m a slut so needy now, too. If I feel it I will absolutely beg for attention and validation. I also sometimes zone out at work and catch myself about to drift off into subspace having to force myself out of it because I’m at work dammit it’s inappropriate. Just because I found a new mental toy doesn’t mean I can use it wherever I want like some kind of buffoon.