Hi I'm Zoey

Know what's cool? Sitting in a meeting and hearing your boss say how we're “hiring another woman to the crew” and being like “oh my god I can't fucking wait to come out”. As soon as he said it it hit me hard inside. But I'll figure out a way to get there asap. I wanna be another crew woman so I can shed this pretended of masculinity. I wonder if they've noticed a change in behaviour yet. I mean I do just blurt out normal people social things like “so how was your weekend?” Which I probably never did before. And the stickers, which are super good, have gone uncommented on so far today as of 14:02. But to be fair to them they are sitting upside down with how my laptop is so they're not that easy to read and I haven't needed the laptop in a meeting yet. Now I guess I gotta add small subtle feminine things to my life one piece at a time. A more feminine walk, androgynous clothing, maybe makeup. Oh god the thought of wearing makeup to work makes me fucking panic right now. Not because I don't want to, I would love to, but because I know how shit newbies are at makeup and I don't want to look like a clown. But like the trans girl I came out to said, every girl has to look like a clown when starting makeup. It's a rite of passage.

I want to shed this masculine form so damn much. I've never known how to present masculine. I could never figure out how to dress like a male. For my whole life, even as a kid, I recoiled at the idea of putting in a suit. Nevermind a goddamn tie. And the pants? Horrible. I thought because they were uncomfortable. But maybe there were other things at play that I didn't have words or emotional maturity to express. I can't say for sure since I've felt this way for so long that I have no idea what I told myself at like age 5 so that I could have a chance at deconstructing the thoughts. I wish I did though. I wonder what I would have seen myself do and think growing up if I could watch over myself like trans guardian angel. The thought excites me so much as, I've already said, I've always badly wanted a deep dive into other people's minds. Even if it's my own mind. Hell, especially if it's my own mind. I can know what I'm thinking but I can't figure out why and with a therapist there's this wholly inefficient layer of language bridged communication that needs to take place. Computers do that too but we can and do make them faster all the time. And the only limit is how fast we can put things into computers. Like how right now I'm typing this into this box and I have my thoughts but I need to first translate them to language and then translate them to kinetic finger force. Eventually, through a long process that can only be described as magic and TCP/IP, you'll be able to read these words. I'll be able to read these words myself, in the future. Oh yeah, speaking of. Hey Zoey, back these words up you lovely girl. They're as much for you as they are for the others even if this is public.

I want to walk like a girl. I want the face of a girl. I want the skin. And I want the body shape. Not the hourglass shape, just enough that I don't get misgendered anymore. Enough that I can put on cute dresses at girl sizes and walk around in them. That's me. I love cute clothing but I never admitted it to myself. Hell, all I ever wanted to buy for myself clothing wise was colorful clothing that I could excuse with extremely online irony. “Haha I just like memes”. I mean memes are good but more than that I wanted to feel fucking cute. Repressed those feelings hard though and pretended like it was nothing. This one time a girl made a girl avatar of me. Held on to that one, made it my image on a place. Loved it but could never describe why because I had no idea what that feeling was. “I just like fan art of myself” I said. That is also true, of course, I love it when people do sweet things for me. But I could never extend that the other way, it never felt right. Because I got the impression I shouldn't. And it sure doesn't explain why specifically the female me felt so good inside.