Hi I'm Zoey

Many mixed feelings today. On the one hand I was tasked with DNS switching a production server today and, as anyone in tech can tell you, that never goes as smoothly as you want it to. And in the process I also had to deadname myself a lot. I'm getting used to that taste of ash in my mouth because I'm going to be hearing this name for a good while longer but it doesn't make it hurt less. However when you're in a phone conversation trying to get a DNS switched over you just don't have time to stop talking just because your assigned gender isn't the right one. I may be imagining things but I feel like my skin care routine is going good things to my face. I stop to look in the mirror and try my best to forget about the face and instead just look at the skin. And the skin looks alright? Could be a lot better but that's why girls use makeup isn't it. Oh I just reminded myself of my beard stubble and now I feel a little nauseous. I almost finished lunch today. Which isn't as good as it sounds because it was a very small lunch box and I skipped eating half the rice. Also speaking of calories I nearly hit my normal weight loss goal yesterday, only off by 150kcal. That's a plus I think? But eating so much now makes me hate eating even more. Maybe I do actually have an eating disorder now. It would make sense seeing as with the deep hatred for my body and my weight I can't think of anything I want more than to lose weight. And this is where my high weight loss knowledge actually works against me because I am really good at controlling my weight and I keep very close track of my caloric intake so I can't even accidentally eat too much. I want to eat around 1800 to lose weight but my brain is telling me that's way too much. And if I eat a normal sized meal I really do start feeling ill. The food starts tasting bad even. At least on the plus side, being this knowledgeable about weight loss, means I know when it becomes enough of a problem to see the doctor about.

Oh wow did I ever get horny today. I saw this hot trans guy on twitter and nearly died right there he was so hot. Which sucked because I was stuck at work and was trying desperately to not fan myself. But this is very unusual to me because I've never felt horny like that before, certainly not over online people like this. And I immediately knew why.

I was never, ever, not once in my whole fucking life, comfortable with my sexuality.

Not once did I feel attraction to someone that wasn't immediately followed by shame. Never did I feel like I could express my sexuality. I blamed it on men being creepy fucks in general, which they are, but that was never true. You can be a sexual human and also not extremely creepy as a male, you just have to try harder than some. And as a girl who's very good at what she does I do know a thing or 2 about how to get good at stuff. But no matter how much I tried to express my sexuality in a healthy way I could never do it. The finish line, feeling like my sexuality was a healthy part of me, always seemed impossibly far away no matter how hard I tried. I got into weirder and weirder fetishes along the way too. Let's not talk about that. Not yet. I know what I did, me. But to be fair to myself I was and will always be a kinky weirdo. Anway, feeling attracted to that person didn't feel wrong. I didn't feel like I was being a sex pervert or creep. And that's a feeling I've never had before. I hope really badly that from now even when I'm expressing my sexuality I won't be a sex pervert but so far it doesn't feel like it. And if nothing else I feel comfortable expressing it now.