Hi I'm Zoey

CW: NSFW, LEWD, SEX, BDSM, PAIN, PANIC ATTACKS

Dear diary. Today I feel good. Very good. I touched on it only briefly yesterday but I didn't have time to say why, exactly, I tried masturbating yesterday. It was because I finally, for the first time ever, tried something I always wanted but always repressed my urges to do. And because I wanted it I repressed these urges even harder than normal. It was ERP. (Ed. Note (That's me, Zoey) ERP means erotic roleplay) It really has always sounded appealing to me and in a previous life I did masturbate to some cleaned up chat logs posted as erotic fiction more than a few times. As a kid I always loved the idea of playing a role or just pretending to be someone else (hello, dysphoria? I'm starting to see you everywhere now) for a while. And now that I figured out I'm a real kinky little bitch and I found someone else who's also into the things I want and more and she's ready to help and explore those with me??? Oh jeez oh gosh ok I can't let this opportunity slide. So I didn't let it slide but it also was very, very difficult. Like I touched on before I had repressed these feelings in particular very hard and so before I wrote the first line I had to really steel myself. As she asked for more details and what I was wearing I told her, verbatim, “hold on, I need to mind purge myself.” I wasn't lying about that. Mind purging is something I do quite often, at least as often as I need to. Because of all these things in my life I've repressed there's only one way to dig in and get it out and it's to use my strong willpower to make myself think another way or simply to do it anyway.

Again I want to break the diary to add a strong disclaimer here: Don't apply the things I write here to yourself. They work for me and me alone and I will go to lengths such as giving myself real panic attacks in my efforts to rewire my diseased mind to make it work better. Figure out what works for you, preferably with professional help available.

So I did my best to overcome these feelings. Because I always wanted to do this and because I always felt a creative side to me that never got an outlet. And I started writing. A short line at first, introducing a girl, a dress, a position, and feelings. It was painful. Really, physically painful. Hitting send on that was one of the hardest things I've had to do in a while. Immediately after my body wanted to regret it so much, to just hit delete, remove the message, unsend, oh god Zoey she's laughing at you this is bad and horrible. You're laughing at yourself. Look at how shit this is, how shit you are. This isn't what you want.

But I persevered and in spite of my deep repression I actually just told her how I was feeling and that I didn't want her to laugh at me. I was so scared that she would even though I knew already she wouldn't. Laughing would make.me run away, scared, possibly scarred forever. And she's an amazing and nice person. She won't do that, I know it. My brain knows it. But yet I needed nothing but reassurance. She did give me reassurance and then came the response. I managed to gather myself for a second message. A little longer still. A lot more confident but still with great resistance internally. The character I was playing had her feelings reflecting mine, obviously so, but I tried to make it make sense in the RP world as well. Eventually, surprisingly quickly to me, I loosened up and things started flowing fairly well from there on. And it felt like... An ERP? And it was amazing. It was super kinky. I like pain so my girl experienced a lot of it. And so did I (Me, Zoey, hi!). At first I was instructed to masturbate using only my finger on the head of the penis but as I wrote yesterday it was a surreal experience and not exactly what I'd call sexy yet so I gave it up. However then I was instructed to put wooden clothes pegs on my nipples and that instantly felt both right and extremely good. The sharp but not too strong pain? That was certifiably the shit. It escalated and at the end I couldn't sit up straight. Breathing quickly and rocking back and forth before the session came to an end.

God, heck, and crap does pain not only me feel good but also extremely alive.

Bonus meme. I never thought I'd be trans. Not for a second. I realized this again last night. No way it'd be me, even right before I realized I was trans, but not in a denial sort of way. Denial would have meant I thought about it consciously and ignored it. I never got that far in my thinking since I rationalized away my thoughts and feelings with machined precision. Everything was either something else or not something I thought about. Like how I was never horny as a teenager, like how I despised and would outright refuse to use the PE showers instead just going home (feel like that was probably dysphoria my whole life?), like how I never used urinals, like how I would always feel very uncomfortable naked preferring to get clothes on as fast as possible. It's all things I could rationalize away individually (I'm fat, I like being warm, just don't like seeing penises) or just ignore. And so I did for my whole life. But now, knowing what all of these things can and should feel like? It feels so obvious. It was impossible for me to know and I wish I had more trans knowledge as a kid. But yeah I was probably trans my whole life. Just really good at putting on that mask.