Hi I'm Zoey

The small bouts of gender euphoria I get feel incredible. Every time someone calls me Zoey is unbeatable. It's so validating. I've come out to more online friends and everyone has been super supportive. It would almost feel weird but it doesn't. I don't get this crippling doubt anymore where I feel like things are too good to be true.

Which may be a side effect of what I've been doing to cope my whole life. I've been realizing more and more that this dysphoria and me being trans has always been there. I never didn't have it. I'm certain about this one, it's why I've had weird, hard to explain body image issues forever. I also learned that I may have been depersonalising my whole life. At least at a cursory glance this could be the case (This, for example). That would also fit in with how I felt immediately after I realized I was trans that it wasn't someone else looking back at me in the mirror, for the first time I saw myself looking back. I'd been removing the self my whole life until I couldn't anymore. But this is just speculation. I'm going to see real professionals first before I make any conclusions.

Today, however, the dysphoria is bad. Doing stuff with my body yesterday felt amazing but it also is a dark reminder of what I actually look like right now. I'm real mad at myself today for screwing up my diet the past few days. I fall back into bad eating habits that I really do know better already. The coworker I came out to didn't show up at the office today. Not sure if that's good or bad. Either way I told him to keep it a secret.

I'm still a social butterfly and it feels strange. I don't run out of social brain power like I did before. I've been more social than ever, in person and online, and it doesn't make me any less tired of it. Which means I finally understand how people can be social. If this is what normal people feel like, not feeling your battery draining as you interact with people, no wonder they're so capable of doing social stuff all the time.

I! Bought! Womens! Clothing! A pair of denim women's pants. Oh my god I was so scared walking into that store but I made myself look confident and it worked in making myself more confident. I mean what's mentally worse than going into a women's store? That's right, doing it while looking like a hunchback mess. Stride in and take the things you want. And it wasn't even the largest size the store offered! So that's a plus. Got a good feeling about my height being just about right to be able to find girls clothes without infinite trouble. But now I own some real womens clothing I can actually wear around. It'll only look a little weird because they're fairly neutral. The pockets though? They're just as bad as advertised, folx. But I'll happily take that.