That sure was a weekend. I want to recount what happened.
So I came home on Friday and I played a bit of this game I'd been looking forward to with some old friends. They didn't seem super into not using my deadnickname but they agreed to not call me that at least. Ugh. It did remind me of how amazing the people I managed to surround myself with are. I think almost every single friend I've made for the last year has been very accepting of my transition but these friends were made before that and a lot of the people I met then were a bit shaky on their support of trans rights. It's really a coinflip with all those people but thankfully I generally don't have any plans to go back to most of them.
After that I went to the gym, again, for the second time this week. I'm keeping up with doing Couch 2 5k and even as I'm writing this on Sunday I went to the gym today. And that feels incredibly nice so far. That's 3 for 3 week 1. And motivation really hasn't been lacking. The only thing I did different so far was that today I skipped the squats since my stomach wasn't feeling great after all the running. Probably diet related as in my diet's been whack this whole weekend. You know the kind of pain you feel commonly associated with swimming after eating? It was that kind.
After some of me desperately trying to find someone to be with this (trans) girl I know comes over. We have a fantastic night where we both drink. I can't, and don't want to, recount the events exactly. But basically I ended up getting both a little bit of makeup around the eye, lipstick, and I got to wear her shirt with a padded bra. The feeling of looking in the mirror with real girl clothes on was unbelievable. There was this insane level of euphoria mixed with the feeling of being so far away from looking good like that. I wanted to always look like that but also my body is this shitty heap that I hate. I really, really need fem clothing oh my god. There's so much cute fem clothing too! It's actually insane. And I want... well, not all of it. But I want a lot of it.
She sleeps over and we go to bed early in the morning. After 3 hours of sleep I wake up feeling ready to take on the world. I realize it is far too early for alcohol to have really left my system and so I figure it'd be best to keep my head low for a bit. I'm not really feeling dysphoric, still riding on the high of last night.
She eventually gets up and we make tacos for lunch. This is around the time where the dysphoria is starting to kick in bad and I can feel it coming. I talk to her about it some and she understands. As the day goes on the dysphoria just gets worse and worse. She ends up taking a nap and that's when it hits bad. I read a short story about gender dysphoria and transitioning and I really just want to cry. I sit in the sofa doing voice training trying not to cry. I end up almost crying before I wake her up, her sister wanted to reach her. I did tell her how I felt and she told me I should have woken her up. I didn't want to wake her up though. When I'm with her I feel great. The dysphoria mostly goes away and I get to be my new social self. But the dysphoria isn't gone. It's just that I experience enough of the euphoria to not notice it as much. And sometimes I do need to think about myself alone, as much as I want to just have fun talking to other people. I need to remember that just because I can be social all the time now doesn't mean that I should.
After she leaves I cry. A lot. I feel like absolute shit. Some of my thoughts as I cry are: “Why can't I look like myself?” “I've never seen what I look like.” “Why was I born in the wrong body?” “Why can't I be me?”
This cry is the first big cry I've had since I hatched almost exactly 4 weeks ago. It wasn't nearly as long though, and this time I felt like I had a solid idea of what I was crying about. I'd seen myself outwardly, at least a little bit, fem. And while the euphoria was immense, it made my dysphoria crash afterwards that much harder for it. It's insane how much I wish I didn't look like this. How much I hate what I am right now.
Today, Sunday, was a normal day. I did some voice training, ate some leftover tacos. The new thing I managed to do today was get a lot more serious about my voice training! I went on a more dedicated server for it and managed to make a new friend in the process. She was extremely good at manipulating her own voice and taught me a ton about it. Apparently my vocal range is quite alright and I'm not tone deaf like I thought I was my whole life. Turns out I can actually hear tones and mimic them well.
As a last thing my hair that I epilated is starting to grow out to some extent. Not all of it, and it feels really good seeing that some follicles aren't growing out yet so the hair that is growing isn't this all covering disgusting mat around my skin. And epilating the second time now hurts a lot less. So that's some good progress I'd say. Now I just need to get around to waxing everything. Some of it I will have to do professionally as I've been told I shouldn't do some regions myself. And I will, eventually. I really hate all this hair.