I woke up today with E and AA in me for the first time. It felt good.
Though as I reached for the pill organizer my immediate thought was doubt. Not strong doubt, just this sense of “should I be doing this?” It went away as quickly as ever when I realized that yeah, I do.
Whenever I get those small moments I mostly think of this one simple fact: For my whole life, completely unprovoked, I've been totally ok with being a girl. I've many times thought exactly this: “I've been a guy for long enough now, I know what it's like, I could live as a girl forever just to see what it's like.”
For some reason that didn't make me dysphoric. But that also means it took me a very long time to make the connection between all of these other dysphoric thoughts.
So anyway, purely hypothetically: if I was to lose all dysphoria overnight. Would I still transition? Even if I didn't hate my male body intensely?
Yes I absolutely would. Even if I didn't hate my body I still was never happy as a guy. I still would have realized now that I'm a trans girl because that's who I really am. And I would still go through with the transition. If nothing else because “I've lived long enough as a guy now.”
So I'll keep taking the E even if, and I'm talking to you now my dear brain, you keep getting these short moments where my innate fear of change bubbles up to the surface.