2019-10-31

It's Halloween. To celebrate I did a cute thing and went with cat ears with lace and my bell collar to work!

Me wearing cat ears with lace and a bell collar

I feel a lot happier with myself and my body now. I'm not afraid of it anymore. In fact I take millions of selfies every day. The little bit of makeup I use to hide the beard and the boobs I received do by far the most to make me happy about showing my body, but the hips and the skin help a ton. Everything about presenting feminine feels incredible. It's unbelievable how much I want to be seen and how I want to dress up in pretty things and try out new styles and clothes all the time. Because this rounder, curvier shape HRT gave me makes me feel like clothes should show my body and not hide it with loose hoodies like I did before. It's all so amazing that I can't describe the emotions. If I had to try it would be something like this: I lived for 27 years and was starting to accept that I would just never be happy with my life or myself and now I can see a future where I can be happy with both of those.

Oh and I got gendered correctly 3 days ago. My girlfriend told me a cashier, without thinking about it, referred to me as she in a sentence. I had a lot of emotions about that, all of them positive. Getting assumed to be female is something I never thought could happen to me. I guess my brain tried to protect me from dysphoria by denial. Wait I already knew it did that. I keep getting surprised at how well I was able to lie to myself about this for a whole life, given how good I feel about all this stuff now. I can see why I did it though, dysphoria is painful like nothing I’ve experienced and I might not have survived hatching with a less stable and self controlled life where I can DIY before this healthcare system will allow me to get life saving medicine.

One of the girlfriends has moved in with me! She’s gotten all her stuff and she just… lives with me now. It’s an unreal feeling, too, because I never thought this could feel that good either. I did live with a girlfriend for 2 months in my past life but that was a pretty shit experience for me overall, back then social things was straining so I always felt bad and had to spend a lot of time alone, and that colored my perception of what this was going to be like. It doesn’t help that the relationship with that ex was not good or healthy at all. But this girlfriend is amazing, we have a great and healthy relationship as far as I’m aware. We’re open about our feelings and can resolve conflicts without getting angry. And now that social things aren’t straining or stressful anymore I can just be with the girlfriend all the time and it’s just great. We do a lot of things together, we’ve already gone clothes shopping several times and we went thrifting and found a bunch of great new clothes for us both (some of them are so cute, oh my gosh), we celebrated our girlfriends birthday (we have the same girl as our girlfriend!!!), we dress up and look like huge queer dorks outside together. Everything about this life I’m living right now is a life that makes me so much happier than anything I could have believed I could achieve before.

It still is weird to me that I’m a girl, though. I mean I’ve accepted it but I just can’t wrap my head around why it makes me feel good. In that sense it’s almost like a religious experience. I can’t explain to someone why it’s true, but it is true and they just have to believe it. And I, too, have to believe it. I don’t have a choice.

But even if I had a choice, I would never choose another life right now. The girlfriends are amazing and I’m accepted by all my family and friends as who I am. They all came through for me when I needed it and in the process I made myself the happiest I could be and found the best people I can imagine being with. With this I’m sure I can deal with my future, somehow. I don’t know the way there, but I know I will find a way eventually.