2019-12-20
I had a whole day yesterday. After finishing season 1 of Mr Robot with my girlfriend I basically slowly broke down over an hour or so.
I've been quite stressed out for weeks now. This like, mounting stress. Constantly rising intensity of stress. And I think I know why. I've been very busy, a few things happened with the other girlfriend, and I've been sick too. So not only did the pressure build up but I didn't have an outlet.
After a lot of crying (and some very, very good kink), I did some more crying. But more powerful this time. Violent sobbing. And while part of it is how amazingly lucky I am to be alive at all and with such amazing girlfriends and how bright my future is looking…
my past is being put into a perspective I never had before.
I thought I had it figured out. “I'm bad at these things, and that's ok.” Even though I could never figure out why they felt wrong to be bad at. I didn't feel like an introvert, yet all the symptoms were there. So who was I to argue, I didn't know what being an introvert was supposed to feel like. So I accepted it.
Now, though, I'm anything but introverted. And I'm realising I never was. My true introvertedness actually happened slowly during puberty (fake gasp) but before that, due to untreated dysphoria, I couldn't perform a male social role, which socially ostracized me and forced me into special ed. Yes, it looked like autism, but I'm pretty confident now that it never was.
Combine that with a very turbulent and traumatic family life and there's just no chance I won't develop trauma from it. I was pretty fucked up by my circumstances and there was nothing I could do about it. But I wasn't resentful about it before I hatched because I thought it all seemed reasonable, like it was with a good reason. That I was just bad and autistic and the people around me did their best.
But now none of it seemed necessary. Like I spent 27 years being tortured by school, potential friends, society, and my parents, all for nothing. I couldn't be male, and that manifested to everyone else as if I couldn't be a human. So they slapped the autism label on me and fucked me up for life.
It hurts a lot more every day now.