Fuck. I have a crush on my boss.
Seriously. I have a crush on my boss. But she has a wife. And I’m not mentioning the age difference… like that matters. But yes. It is her. Like a woman. A grown woman. A woman. I have a crush on a woman. Surprisingly, it wasn’t such a shock for me, really. I just… realized that I like her more than just a boss, or a friend… Well, let me explain from the very beginning. You see, I am a girl, obviously. I always liked her personality. I mean, come on. She is like the most relaxed person ever. She is simply cool, has a sense of humor I don’t really have. Basically, she is everything I am not. Cool, laid back, funny. But then, it came to my knowledge that she is gay. And that she has a wife. And suddenly… I realized… I can have her. Like, it’s fucking possible. (But not.) You know how I see it? I just never lived with that kind of possibility in my head. I mean, I was never repulsed by the idea of kissing a girl or girls being in a relationship together. But also, I have never met a lesbian before. Or any gay for that matter. Never ever. So, even though I’ve always liked the way she looked at me and touched me and addressed me… I mean. I just liked it too much. To the point where I never knew what to say when she was around. I simply got paralyzed. Because it was her. But then… HOLY CRAP! In that moment I realized that I wouldn’t mind having a go with her. Even fucking snuggle with her and wake up with her in the same bed. Like… I would be fucking interested in her! Romantically. And if we were to look at her from what society considers to be objective beauty, I would say that she is far from what is considered fucking “ideal”. It is completely fucking platonic and based on who she is as a PERSON! She is just too fucking attractive in that way for me. FUCK GENDERS! So, naturally, the question has arisen… Am I actually a bisexual? Pansexual? Queer? Who the hell cares? I like her. Too much. I have a fucking crush on my boss. Who is married, and I guess around ten years older than me. I should fucking stop looking for older and unattainable partners. It will obviously won’t work until I get myself together. George, my theatre teacher…. Now my boss… Seriously? But. I made a big mistake with him. I was stupid and he is just bigger dick than he ever was. She… well. No. No way. It is like… Of course, I will keep liking her. I doubt I would be able to stop it, anyway. But come on. I would be so afraid of her, haha, if it came to anything. Because, honestly, it’s been some time since I liked anyone. Like any guy. Like around two years even. No, it will stay completely platonic, I just have to watch myself, so I won’t get carried away or look at her like the most perfect thing in the world, or touch her too much. Yep. I get kinda touchy around her. And the whole LGBT thing… I mean. It is, by default, very difficult for me to find myself attractive to anyone. Guys, and now girls… I mean, the fact that I might be really bisexual, doesn’t change anything about that, I guess. It is not about GENDERS, I realized. I fucking fall in love with PERSONS! HUMAN BEINGS! And I am not ashamed of that! That I might be in fact a bisexual human being. It is just the term for a sexual identity one adopts. It doesn’t mean anything, really. The term BISEXUAL doesn’t limit person to be one or the other thing, or be attracted to anyone on a definite spectrum. It doesn’t say that you must be this and this and that just because you belong to some kind of community… or, as I learned in the last few days, that you are slutty or messy, or confused or you cant decide… or you cant pick a side… It’s not like you can pick a side. You are a fucking BISEXUAL or PANSEXUAL or QUEER for that matter. You simply are attracted to genders. All of them, or just the two of them. It’s not like you can choose to not be a lesbian! It’s the same with bis and pans and queers. We simply are attracted. It’s not like we can help it, for god’s sake. It is, of course, a completely different matter how you stand on it individually. The spectrum is WIDE. You can have romantic relationships with girls, but have sexual encounters with guys and vice versa. You can even estimate to what extent you are attracted to what gender percentually if that makes your sexual identity clearer FOR YOU. It terms and labels and numbers are important, I get it. LGBT community didn’t fight for its rights to only let the terms for who we identify ourselves individually, fade away. I get it. But how I see the labels and terms… They only serve for you! They shouldn’t limit you and your evolution as a human being. They shouldn’t put you necessarily in one category defined by fucking Wikipedia. You can be BI and then TRANS and then fucking GAY if you want. If this is your personal evolvement, let it be that way! I am who I am. Do I like my boss? Yes, I fucking do like her! I have a fucking crush on her and I am excited about it! Nothing will come of it, in most probability (but I can dream, right?), but if she was to serve as a way to realize that it is not the GENDER that matters to ME, but a who the person is like, than fucking GREAT! I LOVE IT! And you know what? I may never fall in love with a woman again. Ever. Or… I may never fall in love with a man again. Ever. Will any of those possibilities make me less of a BISEXUAL? Fucking no! Why? Because, it is not the MAN or a WOMAN that matters to ME. It is who THEY ARE as HUMAN BEINGS! I like both. Dicks AND vaginas. I really do like both. Though, I think I would suck at sex with a girl 😊 Though, we all have our first times… don’t we?