Symptomatic
As fuuuuuck
Just haven't been feeling well lately. It started about a week ago or so when I truly felt like I was doomed to die a brutal and lonely death at some point in my life because
A) I do not have a family of any type besides distant adult family members
B) I had watched my father pass away several months ago and actually was overcome with jealousy that he got to leave the earth and I didn't
C) I am just a lonely person in general and spend all my time by myself
It wasn't that I was even depsressed or that I was self harming or anything, just that death was A-OK with me at that time and I didn't fear it at all
Because of this, I gave up on my side projects, sold and threw away some cherished possessions and just sat at home alone and did nothing for the past week.
But now I am on the mend again. I am going to get back to working on my projects, try to stay positive, and just try to do that.
It really is a struggle though. My economic disposition in modern society is grim to say the least. I live on what amounts to roughly $10K a year (not a month, a YEAR) and sometimes I don't even clear that amount. I did have plans for whatever reason to get my life on track, but whatever plans I end up making I always change my mind on. When psychologists and economists say that “being poor is very similar to having a mental illness”, they are speaking the flat bold truth. To be quite honest, I am not even sure 100% if I HAVE psychosis or if I am just perpetually broke all the time. LOL.
Quick facts:
Never had a car. Never had a license. Never had more than a couple grand in my pocket at any given time. Never had a full-time job. Never had a job that paid more than minimum wage. Never had a mortgage. Never had a serious girl/boyfriend. Never travelled outside of the United States. I could go on....
...and I am 35 years old(!)
Anyway, not to sound too philosophical or religious or anything – but I always believe that everyone one life has a good “change of pace”. Something that is life-changing/eye-opening that helps them get through the rest of their time on this planet. My father's death was not that thing for me, as for one it was not positive, and two it was more just the end of his immense suffering (he had been incredibly sick for a very long time and I am happy (for him) that it ended.
I used to think that the “big positive” change that is supposed to happen is everyone's life already happened to me when I was 14 years old (and several years after) when I started to take LSD on a regular basis. Such an intense experience that was! Every time I took it after was an intense experience, too! So I figured that that was me more or less “sewing my wild oats”, but damn, I was wrong.
35 and I still wanna travel. I still drink sometimes. I still wanna get wild. And I still want BIG and FUN things to happen in my life and I am willing to work to MAKE them happen. I just have to be in the right frame of mind to do so, I suppose.
Ok. That's enough. I'll write more later.