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content & trigger warning: cursing, mentions of death, loss, funeral
Adam and I, kita berdua anak tunggal di keluarga kita masing-masing, but we both have complete opposite personalities. Adam yang memiliki sifat yang “stereotypical” sebagai anak tunggal, karena ia adalah seorang introvert, maka, ngga terlalu suka berbaur dengan orang-orang baru, dan lebih suka ngabisin waktu sendiri daripada bersosialisasi. And then, there's me; anak tunggal yang extroverted.
Our friendship is like how most would think of it—an extroverted kid adopting an introverted kid as their friend.
Karena hal ini, gue bisa tau kalo Adam ngga suka menjadi pusat perhatian. Beda dengan gue yang emang ngga ada masalah kalo menjadi pusat perhatian, maka, kebanyakan orang heran kenapa dia bisa tetap temenan dengan gue.
Birthdays have always been an exception for him, though.
Walaupun dia ngga suka ngerayain ulang tahunnya di kelas, ia bakal gampang ngambek kalo orang-orang terdekatnya ngga inget hari ulang tahunnya. Contohnya waktu kita kelas empat, dan gue belom input ulang tahun dia di aplikasi calendar gue, jadinya ngga diingetin. Meskipun gue tetep ngucapin di hari yang sama, which was still his birthday, dia tetep ngediemin gue dengan cara Adam—tetep ngikut gue kemana-mana walau dalam keadaan ngga mau ngomong sama gue.
He liked being the center of attention when those surrounding him were people he cared about, it made existing worthwhile.
“Do you think we should get Eve a cake, too?” tanya Isaiah ketika kita berdua udah sampe ke cake shop-nya.
“You think he'd like that?” Isaiah mengangguk, “Soalnya dia ketemu Eve kan di jalan, jadinya ngga tau dia lahir kapan, so he just shares his birthday with her.”
Gue mengangguk mengerti, berusaha buat ngga ketawa karena iya, sih, that's something Adam would do.
“Beli tuna can, atau gimana?” Isaiah setuju, ngejelasin kalo beli cemilan kesukaan Eve dan jadiin itu sebagai frosting untuk “tuna can cake”-nya Eve.
Setelah jemput kue, kita menuju ke apartemennya Adam, dan seketika ada rasa gelisah yang muncul. Ini pertama kalinya gue bakal ke tempat dia, dan untungnya, gue ngga sendirian.
Janji gue buat ngga ketemu sama Adam di luar kantor seketika kelanggar. Mungkin ada bagusnya? Karena kalo gue ketemu sama dia kantor, mau sendirian atau ngga, every single question I have kept stored at the back of my head wouldn't be answered, karena kekhawatiran terhadap orang-orang di kantor mendengar, dan akhirnya ketauan tentang semua yang terjadi di antara gue dan Adam.
Maybe this is a chance for me to satisfy all the questions I never got to ask.
Semuanya terkumpul dan kita mulai nyiapin semua hal, dari dekorasi yang ditangani oleh Felicity dan Jules, ke kue tuna untuk kucingnya Adam, yang didekorasiin oleh Evelyn. Sambil menunggu kehadiran yang ulang tahun, gue kelilingi apartemennya Adam—at least, the main lounge.
He wasn't ever one to decorate his room, paling ada poster beberapa penyanyi yang dia suka, atau rak buku yang dipenuhin oleh buku-buku yang dia beli tapi ngga pernah selesai baca. Kali ini ngga beda jauh dari kamarnya waktu di Indonesia, tapi kali ini, ada satu rak yang dipenuhin dengan foto-foto berbingkai. Mata gue melirik satu-satu, nemukan ada yang dia bersama Tante Edna di wisudanya—sarjana dan magister. Ada juga foto yang mungkin diambil waktu dia resmi jadi Chief Officer di departemen IT-nya GenTech.
Seketika gue lanjut ke foto berbingkai berikutnya, gue membeku. There I was, with him.
It was a picture taken at the backseat of a car, gue tertidur pulas, mulut sedikit nganga dan Adam ada di sebelah gue, kepalanya tersender pada bahu gue dengan senyuman yang sangat lebar—a smile so wide, I've only ever witnessed it whenever he was truly happy.
Tanggal di pojok bawah tertulis: 17/07/2003.
Ulang tahun dia yang ke-9. Gue inget waktu itu Tante Edna lagi ngga di Indonesia, makanya Adam tinggal bareng keluarga gue untuk sementara, dan karena orang tua gue ngga mau dia ngerasa tertinggal waktu ulang tahunnya, mereka memutuskan untuk membawa Adam ke Taman Safari, dan lanjut makan malam di salah satu restoran yang dia pengen.
They loved him as if he was their own.
“Rhadeya says they're on their way up,” suara Isaiah membuat gue kembali ke realita, dan semuanya mulai mencari spot untuk mengumpet.
From the moment he entered, confetti bursting through the popper in Isaiah's hand, to the casual conversation from everyone throughout the late afternoon, all blurred past me and I found myself as the last person left in his apartment. Isaiah tadi nawarin buat nganterin pulang, tapi gue nolak, memakai alasan kalo Adam and I have a lot to catch up on.
“Terus lo pulangnya gimana?” tanya Isaiah, sambil memasang sepatu.
“I'll drop her off,” Adam stated from behind us. Isaiah menatap gue, as if asking if it was okay, dan hanya mengangguk, waving him goodbye. Adam and I watched as he left the building, five minutes of silence passing after the click of the door was heard.
“Gue bantu beres-beres,” ujar gue, berbalik badan untuk ngumpulin piring-piring kotor. Adam keliatan mau protes, tapi hanya diem dan kita berdua beresin semua dalam keadaan terdiam.
“Thanks for the surprise,” ucapnya, ketika udah selesai.
“It was Isaiah's idea,” beri tau gue, berjalan menuju ke rak di mana ada foto gue dan Adam. Gue berbalik badan, menghadap dia dan melipat kedua tangan gue di atas dada, menyender ke dinding di belakang gue.
“Emang lo ke mana, Adam?” Tanpa basa-basi, gue bertanyanya.
Ia memiringkan kepalanya, bingung dengan pertanyaan gue. “Kan gue udah bilang kalo gue ke Rotterdam.”
“Bukan itu maksud gue.” Gue menghela nafas. “Waktu pemakaman Mama sama Papa, lo ke mana?” I watched the gears in his head twist and turn through his eyes, caught off guard by my question. Did he seriously not expect it?
“Ori—”
“Stella,” gue tekan, my jaw clenched as I stared at him. “Gue ngga butuh alasan lo sekarang, yang gue mau tau adalah saat itu, lo di mana, Adam—I'll be asking the questions, and I want you to answer those questions.”
Ia memejamkan matanya sebentar sebelum mengangguk, dan gue ulangi pertanyaan gue. “Di mana?”
“I was in the U.S.—in Stanford.”
“Terus lo kenapa ngga dateng?”
“I—” Sekarang giliran dia buat menghela nafas. “I wasn't ready to face you.” Bullshit, I wanted to say but bit my tongue, dan lanjut bertanya.
“Kenapa lo malah minta Tante Edna buat dateng?”
“Because I was a coward,” ia menjelaskan, “I couldn't face you, but I needed someone that knew them as much as I did to go.”
Someone that knew them as much as I did.
“So, you knew?” gue tanyanya, tapi raut wajahnya berubah menjadi bingung, ngga ngerti maksud pertanyaan gue. Gue lanjut, mengambil langkah mendekatinya, “So, you knew that you meant as much to them as they did to your mom?”
“Stella—
“So, you knew they loved you the same way they loved me? That they treated you like you were their son, that you were as precious to them as you were to me?”
“Stella, I'm—”
“It's useless!” teriak gue, air mata mulai terbentuk di tepi mata gue. “Your apology is useless, Adam. Nothing, no apology of yours will ever fucking change the fact that you didn't come.”
Turning around, I wiped at the tears that had fallen, dan Adam terdiam.
“Gue tanya tau ke Tante Edna,” gue lanjut, berusaha buat mengatur nafas gue agar suara gue ngga pecah. Dia menatap gue dengan tatapan penuh pasrah, memerah dan berkaca-kaca. “Gue tanya 'Adam di mana? Kok ngga dateng?' She didn't tell me.
“Gue ngga butuh temen-temen gue, bukan Geia, Synthia, atau Jenn, bahkan gue ngga butuh Tante Edna, yang gue butuh itu lo, Adam,” I cried, pointing at him, “you were raised by them as much as I, and I knew you would be the only to understand me that day, ngerti ngga?
“Gue berharap lo akan dateng, temenin gue after losing the two people I love the most, tapi nyatanya—” I choked, tears beginning to rain down my cheeks. “When I said I needed you, Adam, I truly fucking needed you, and- and you left me all alone...” I couldn't hold back any longer, dan gue ngerasa lutut gue mulai melemah, ngga mampu membuat gue berdiri.
Before I could fall to my knees, Adam reaches out, keeping me up. Wrapping his arms around me, holding me in place and I want to push him away so fucking bad, push him away because I'm like this because of him, but I'm too weak. I'm too deep in my emotions, I cannot find the strength in me to push him away.
“I'm so sorry, Stella, I'm so, so sorry.” Apologies kept spilling past his lips, stringing its way through my head, and the urge to fight against his hold slowly subsided.
Maybe it wasn't the lack of strength, but the lack of will to push him away. Mungkin jauh di lubuk hati gue tau dia benar-benar nyesal atas semua yang terjadi. And as he holds me, kerasa kalo tubuh dia ikut gemetar, nafasnya sesak, memberitahu gue kalo ia ikut menangis—ikut bersedih bersama gue, menyesal atas pilihan dia yang buruk di masa lalu.
“I promise I won't leave again, Ori, please... please forgive me.”