Even though I knew it wasn’t going to be a leisure vacation, I did not expect that the situation would escalate to the point that I lost my temper, so fast..
It has always been complicated with our mother. The whole family is in a complicated relationship with our mother for as long as I can remember. Talking about mental issues is still a taboo in Taiwan society, even between siblings. There were countless times when I voiced my concerns and observations about our mother and my bother and sisters would either not respond at all, or would simply say, “That’s the way Mom is..” And it was like that for more than one and a half decades. I felt helpless and lonely in this battle of trying to understand our Mom and giving her proper care.
For the past five years or so, they started to have the will, for lack of a better word, to face the reality. I was glad that they finally began to see what I had seen all these years. Or perhaps they were finally at the point they knew that they could no longer avoid these conversations. I believe that they were just in total denial.
Mom’s unexplainable, strange behaviors have made her life much more isolated than it should have been. People assume she is unfriendly and tend to leave her alone. But it’s much more than that. Let me give you a simple example: when going to a public place, let’s say a restaurant, she will pick a corner at the far end and sit on the chair that’s facing the wall. She doesn’t like to look at people or have any kind of eye contact with anyone. If she would sit in a way that still has a view of other patrons, she would feel uneasy and occasionally would accuse that someone was looking at her.
She never has anything to say. She doesn’t even order her own food. At first I thought it was because she needed glasses. But that turn out to be another unexplainable behavior. She refuses to wear her glasses in public. Once she told me that “they make me see too clearly.” So it seems to me that by not wearing her glasses, it defuses everything around her, which makes her feel protected and less vulnerable.
She was taciturn then and now she hardly can express herself. Like any skills, eventually you will lose it if you don’t use it. Often times she has to search for simple words. Two days ago she forgot the words for “credit card,” which she didn’t remember that she hasn’t owned a credit card since more than ten years. Her memory is spotty and would ask about something that happened in the past and confused everyone. Sometimes she would ask the same question over and over and I would say to her: “Mom, you just asked about that half an hour ago!”
For years now I’ve noticed that my mother has no emotions towards anyone or anything. She doesn’t express sadness when seeing a tragedy unfold and doesn’t laugh or even smile at silly shows on TV. By now everyone in our family knows it that although she often holds a book in front of her, she is never really reading. She has been reading the same two, three books since ever. Nobody knows what is on her mind or what exactly she is reading. There’s usually a blank face when she watches TV. And now I also noticed that she often watches cartoons on TV. Still, no laughter or anything.
Originally, soon after I migrated to the Big Apple, we had the idea of having her living with us in the U.S. Unfortunately after a few trials of staying under the same roof for a few months, it ended so badly that we knew it would never work out. Now my mother lives by herself in my apartment in the south of Taiwan. I bought that property after I finished the army duty. My father passed away when I was in the army. With all other siblings leaving our old house, I thought it was a good idea to find a place just big enough for my mother and myself. Later my brother and his wife relocated to an apartment approximately 15 minutes walk away from where our Mom lives.
She used to maintain the house and she continued to do so in the apartment. When I moved to New York to reunite with my companion, everything seemed to work as planned. One day I flew back to Taiwan and took her with me on my return to the U.S. However the idea of inviting her to live with us became a nightmare. On a pretty bad note she returned to Taiwan with my brother’s assistance. (No, she could not and can not travel on her own. She’s afraid of getting lost, even in the city where she lives. She never tried and simply doesn’t know how..) I still faithfully return to my homeland almost every year to visit her. At that time, my relationship with other siblings was barely existing. That’s another story for another time.
There were signs when she was living with us in NY. The shampoo lasted abnormally long time and the soap she used to bathe never seemed to shrink and eventually cracked from drying out. In the morning at precisely 7:30am she got up from her bed. In the afternoon her room door swung open when the clock struck 3:30pm. Her routine was so predictable that you knew what time it was when she switched on TV and when she turned it off.
There were moments of happiness and at times she seemed really enjoying her new life with us in NY. One time we drove our car up north and my Mom saw and touched snow for the first time in her life. When we took her on the ferry crossing the Lake Champlain, the wind was strong but she was so happy and cuddled with my companion. Those were the memories I would prefer to remember. I suppose when the “honeymoon” period ends, the reality cruelly sets in. Totally unprovoked as far as we know, my Mom’s attitude towards to my companion became hostile at the end. She would childishly refuse to stay in the same space with my companion. It wasn’t fair for him to be treated that way when he tried everything he could to keep the peace all the while.
After her final return to Taiwan, I began to notice the same pattern. The dried up soaps in the bathrooms and the everlasting shampoo bottle. One day I accidentally discovered that she’s been hoarding used toothbrushes, plastic cups, instant ramen containers, used filthy shopping bags, onetime-use chopsticks, straws, etc.. For years I had to find them and got rid of them each and every time I came back to Taiwan. Sometimes it felt like a cat catching mouse game.
Several times I would find pills and supplements she ordered by phone or from a nearby pharmacy. Considering her supposed lack of communication skills and interest to talk to strangers, we were often dumbfounded by the fact that she was capable of purchasing these items. They were not cheap and 99% of the time she never used them. They got expired and we had no choice but throwing them away in the trash. That means all the money she spent was all literally for nothing. On top of that, years ago she was persuaded by a family member to use her credit card, which was paid monthly from my bank account, to pay for the purchase of a brand new motorbike. She never asked me first and I had the pleasure of finding out about that only when I received a payment reminder from the credit card company. Our Mom never had any income other than the social security from the government. All the expenses were paid from mine and my companion’s pockets. I was frustrated by her senseless spending and the advantage taken by our own blood. Her inability to manage money created one more headache for me. The result of that was I had to cancel her credit card and took total control of her bank account which I monitor overseas online now.
Evidence showed that she spent less and less time tidying up the apartment. One year when I arrived in my apartment, the toilet in my bathroom was caked in yellow/brown stains and the seat had a thin layer of unidentified filth. I spent hours cleaning it until I felt safe to use. Since then, it had been the first thing I had to do every time I returned from the U.S. That was when she was still capable of doing house chores.
What’s worse is we found out that our Mom doesn’t bathe properly anymore. We’ve suspected it since a few years but it has become clear that for whatever reasons she doesn’t really shower anymore. Or I should say that we don’t know what she does when she goes into the bathroom to shower. There’s absolutely no scent of soap or shower gel on her body. The situation has become really serious as the body odor is now getting unbearable. Bear in mind that it’s considered winter in Taiwan, although the temperature can get as high as 85°F in the south. With her neglecting her hygiene which puzzles everyone, we are breaking our heads trying to find a solution.
I came back home in Taiwan about ten days ago. Thanks to one of my sisters, my bathroom was clean this time and I didn’t have to scrub like a madman. She has been putting a lot more effort to taking care of our Mom and helping to tidy up the apartment for the past two, three years. It’s been a year or two, this sister of ours and my brother have tried to help out more. Since our Mom doesn’t seem to like washing her hair, they now bring her to a hair salon whenever they can.
Her body seemed to weaken drastically over the pandemic. She never caught Covid, but her physical condition has deteriorated significantly when I finally was able to enter Taiwan after the lockdown. There’s no doubt that she can no longer take care of the apartment. She can barely take care of herself.
Three days after my arrival, in the evening when my Mom was supposed to take a shower, I figured she could use the other bathroom which has no tub since she could no longer getting in and out of the bathtub easily without help. There would be no excuse not to shower, right? After I removed all unnecessary items in that bathroom for her to be able to take a shower conveniently, she hesitantly got in there. Waiting 20 feet away in the living room, I could hear approximately five seconds of water spreading. I came fronted her when she was walking out of the bedroom.
“妳有洗嗎？Did you shower this time?”
“嗚啦！I did!”
“妳哪有洗啊？根本沒香皂的香味！You did? There’s no smell of the soap!”
“我有洗啦，你不相信我，我也沒辦法。I did shower. There’s nothing I can do if you don’t believe me.”
I stared at her, feeling my anger rising. I should have controlled myself better than that. But before I could suppress that rage, my right foot kicked the empty water bucket down the hallway. “I’m not coming back here ever again. Are you happy now?” I yelled before I walked into my room and slammed the door in front of her.
I was furious. I just couldn’t understand.. I couldn’t take it anymore..
While I was sitting in my bed trying to digest what has just happened, I could hear her quietly collecting the mess I created from my outburst. Immediately sadness filled my heart..
In a few days it will be her birthday. It’s a substantial milestone and, not to be superstitious, I just want everything to go smoothly. A festive dinner is planned and it will be the first time that the world family will reunite since many years. Our Mom’s condition certainly will be on everybody’s mind. But that’s the one topic we will not touch.