The Differences Between Us
It started the night before. I made a comment contradicting with my companion’s about flea markets in the group chat with our friends.
“So you are correcting me?” my companion said after seeing that message, clearly irritated.
“I’m not correcting you. You know that we feel differently about flea markets.” I responded.
“And of course Carmen responded right away agreeing with you.”
I didn’t reply. I didn’t want to continue with this somewhat touchy topic.
The atmosphere for the remaining of the night was stifling. He didn’t say much even when I tried to make small talk and evaluate the situation. We both went to sleep with the knowledge that something was unresolved. I hate to end a day that way. He kept saying there’s nothing wrong every time I asked. So I withdrew and hoped that all would be back to normal the next morning.
We woke up and went through our morning routine. The air palpably was dense still and we barely talked during the entire breakfast. We were supposed to meet up with a friend for an exhibition at someone’s private house in the early afternoon, which I knew my companion wasn’t interested in going from the get go.
“I’m texting Victor to tell him we are not going to the show.” I broke the silence.
“Why?” my companion said, surprised.
“I’m not in the mood anymore. And I know you didn’t even want to go anyway.”
From that point I can’t remember how exactly the conversation got so escalated that I said to him:
“Do you realize that we have no friends? You criticize everybody and you don’t want to do anything with anyone! I know that most of the times the things we do or places we go, you go only because I want to..
Be honest, you don’t like Carmen. You have issues basically with everyone we know.”
“I like Carmen!” he protested.
“No, you don’t! Tell me one good thing you ever said about her. I know she has her flaws but at least she always tries to be a good friend.”
“You know why we don’t have friends? It’s because we are not on social media!” he said, apparently trying to change subject.
“Really? You really consider people on social media your friends? Do you really think that Aravin is really our friend?” I countered.
“I should erase him and stop communicating with him then?” he paused, and added: “Maybe moving here is a mistake..”
This seemingly out of topic remark took me by surprise. But I understood where it came from and that upset me even more.
“It was the same when we lived in New York. Who can we really call our friends and still remain in contact?” I could feel all those past unspoken emotions that I’ve bottled up were about to burst.
“So it’s all because of me then. It’s all my fault..”
Instead of answering him directly, I continued: “We don’t do anything. We don’t go out! I know that most of the time we went out only because I wanted to and you just agreed. You don’t like to do anything. Even when we travel, all we do is eat! Tell me that’s not true!”
“How nice.. so I should cancel our trips then?” he bickered, looking blankly at the wall.
For people who really know us, our relationship has always been seen as in great harmony, that we are perfect for each other. As a whole, in terms of our personalities and our perspectives towards life, we truly are made for each other. However, his lack of interest in art and any activities does make me wonder sometimes about all the what ifs and what could have beens.
I assume he knows it, that there were lots of things I would have done, places I would have gone to, if he were different. We are inseparable. From the outside that’s what people see and think. My dependence on him from the day I arrived in New York has rooted deep into our joined lives and it affects every decision I make along the way. All the decisions thus far that I have made, or we have made, have woven our destiny tighter and stronger.
It was probably one of the very few times that we both let our raw emotions show. It’s not fair to say that my companion doesn’t like to do anything specially for during our travels. He does try to be active and go to places where he thinks that might interest me. For a tremendously knowledgeable person like him, I sometimes find it surprising that he doesn’t like to engage in any social activities. When we get together with our friends, with his demeanor, I often afraid he might come across as a Mr. know-it-all. And there were times he made me feel stupid, in most of which occasions he said he didn’t mean to. He knows that my self esteem is fragile. Shouldn’t he try to be more sensitive?
“You’re being too sensitive.” Yes. That’s what he often says, that I’m too sensitive. I admit oftentimes I am being too sensitive. In reverse, I sometimes would remind him, that maybe he should be more sensitive?
There were times I honestly felt that we traveled too much and neglected to spend time with our new friends in this new city we call home. During our travels we often did nothing but enjoy different foods wherever we went. Part of the reason was that physically he is getting weaker, which is understandable and natural considering his age. I thought I was prepared for that. I certainly cannot, and I will never blame him for that. Only in moments like this, I’m reminded of our differences in age.
I walked one and a half miles to witness the Horseshoe Bend by myself. I went up to the top and stood under the Wilson Ache by myself. I hiked and climbed to the Delicate Arch by myself. All by myself.. I wish my companion could be right there next to me and we could experience all these together. I wish he could take in and appreciate the stunning, magical grandeur of all these incredible sights with me in person.
It was a quite strenuous journey to reach the Delicate Arch. I knew he wouldn’t have been able to make it. He tried to walk with me and had to give up midway.
“I think that’s it for me. I have to go back. I can’t go any further.” my companion said to me. He was all sweaty and looking exhausted.
“Okay. You’ll wait for me at the parking lot then. Are you sure you don’t mind me continuing?” I said, didn’t want to leave him alone.
“Of course. You go ahead and send me pictures.” he said with a weary smile.
The whole hike up to the destination, I was wondering about where he was and how he was. Each and every step I moved forward, I pondered if it was the right thing to do to leave him behind and continue with this journey alone without him. It was not the first time I left him, with his assurance that he would be okay, and I completed the journey by myself. I try not to imagine how he truly feels about it. No doubt in my mind that if he physically could manage, he certainly would have wanted to be there with me, and for me.
Something hit me and I was overwhelmed when I finally reached the Delicate Arch. The sight was magnificent and I was glad that I made it. But that was not the reason why the tears filled my eyes.