A Letter To The Void

Senseless Murmurs of the Estranged (The Last Night)

Slithering fangs and pointy tails Tell me if I'm not feeling well My mindscape's hazard lights sing symphonies that plead me not to crash Maybe that last line's just a touch- I'm feeling obsessed with feeling up But the rhythm of our continued stumbling keeps me anchored on the act

Maybe I'm not making sense Break it down a little first

Singing out my heartstrings like they never gave a pause I'm writing another washed out drawn out rant recalling how we stalled And you were always the one I asked for in my nighttime bender gleam Separate the colors, strip my words, and paint the walls with apathy

Cold night summer sunsets bail Another take out date night last meal Surrender my senses call my cell and keep my phrases right on track The writing is on the wall tonight Blinding reflections kill my sight A murderous moment of dismemberment from feelings that you lack

Maybe I'm not making sense Break it down a little first

Call me out on conflict resolution from temptation of my thoughts Shatter the glass and flip the script of all the preface that you wrought I'm not seeing light; this blurry image right; choke my eyes, drain my voice; break my ego, mayday; I'll take solace knowing this will be the last night of this play Where I'm the actor, you're the audience and I'm the one who pays

Maybe I'm not making sense Break it down a little first

Singing out my heartstrings like they never gave a pause I'm writing another washed out drawn out rant recalling how we stalled And I can't stab myself in places that I know I shouldn't keep- Me- I mean you, and this is true, I'm waking from this heavy sleep I'll write my will, I've had my doubts, I'm singing songs, I'm bleeding out Waterfalls perched on the windows of my dreary excess pout And you were always the one I asked for in my nighttime bender gleam Separate the colors, strip my words, and paint the walls with apathy

What do you mean you're not gay, you fucking dated me

Waiting on you to blink me to life She said I'm her backup [gal] in the end I've never been one to pull away Say what you like, babe, love drunk in my bed It never seemed like I was worth all the fuss But if you made up your mind, then who could I trust?

I'm wasting my years on you, babe So you can call me your [girl]friend, or friend, anyway It was never like you to change The way that you view my life So fuck off, screw you, I'm fine

I'm just a mess who can't see my fate Tell me again how to better serve you Writing a post to get out my thoughts I'd just be worse off, you told me the truth “I just don't see you as a girl,” she would try And now you won't hear me say “this is my damn life”

I'm wasting my years on you, babe So you can call me your [girl]friend, or friend, anyway It was never like you to change The way that you view my life So fuck off, screw you, I'm fine

Tell me I'm not so useful anymore You're moving on, and I'm just a bore Say it to my face with this faded haze

(spoken, ranting, raw) Cus let's face it, you wouldn't have the guts to say it sober I'm worth so much more than you ever made me feel like And the thought of you ending it on the note of how bad you feel just makes me angrier It's like you literally never considered my feelings in your own selfish decisions And then you have the fucking nerve to come to me Saying shit like “I feel bad that things ended this way” All while fucking deadnaming me in the process I'm glad that you gave up on me, because I should have done it sooner Oh, and that surgery you told me not to pursue because it would make you sad? Fuck you. I'm getting it. I've needed it. Just leave me the fuck alone Go back to your sad life with your miserable “career” and choke on it You couldn't even make enough change to give yourself happiness Why would I expect you to do so for me?

I'm wasting my years on you, babe So you can call me your [girl]friend, or friend, anyway It was never like you to change The way that you view my life So fuck off, screw you, I'm fine Fuck off, screw you, I'm fine.

Drop Kicked From Senselessness

Soft, muttered frequencies on the periphery of my subconscious A tune I used to hear that flickers its presence Giving me leverage of which to confine myself within the most secluded of spaces That distant melody echoing against the walls of my mind Silent, familiar wavelengths of nothingness that protrude The flooding sensations of lights fluttering among darkness Stop. Stop this.

As the static fades out from its crescendo I am thrust outside those walls again Glimmering bleak reality returning its vibrancy to mock my estate The tempo and pacing and rhythm of the natural beats consume the timeline of my vision Balancing myself and weighing my feet as though I've dropped from a short ledge And that tune that was once so prominent is back in its chambers

They Said I Could Be Anything When I Grew Up, But I Was Already A Girl (I'm Living Proof)

I still can't see past next week It feels like an eternity and I Can't keep waiting up Life's for living 'til we're dead But I'm not finished writing yet and I Hope you're keeping up I can't keep saying “it'll be next year”

(I wanna be “me” today) Fuck your opinion – I'm not listening Cause I won't let those words take hold of me I'm not afraid to be me (fuck, if I'm not a girl, then what gives you the right to tell me) Fuck your opinion – I'm not listening Cause I'm done being afraid to reach my peak I'm not afraid to be me I'm not afraid to be me

I still can't see past next week I'd even fear it in my sleep and I Can't keep waking up Dreams are meant to be lived out No, I won't let you shape my doubts and I Won't stop looking up I can't keep saying “it'll be next year”

There's always so damn much to fear There's always something creeping near And I can't wait inside my room forever clutching my own sides

There's always someone making fun There's always some fuck with a gun But I can't let that stop me living for the first time in my life

(I'm not afraid to be me) Fuck your gender roles, fuck biology (I'm not afraid to be me) I know that I'm a girl, don't need to “wait and see” (I'm not afraid to be me) 'Cause I'm not done yet, I'm just at the start (I'm not afraid to be me) I'll keep on writing 'til I empty out my heart

[Yeah, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm a fucking girl – deal with it.]

27

27 I used to think that day was just a far off dream for me Dreading when I wake because I can't see past next week “What's the point of living if I'm just living a lie?” Those echoes in my memory are far away tonight

27 I used to think that I was all alone feeling this pain Using words and writing poems to keep up the pace Whisper reassurances to myself to feel safe Hugging pillows tightly as I'm drifting in this space

27 Now the railing that I'm safely behind keeps me sane I'm not quite the black rose that I pricked, but just the same I still can't see past next week, but maybe that's okay Maybe in this case my age was not an early grave

27 Now I use a new name and I wear a different face But I'm still the same girl even if I'm less afraid Back then I sat on sidelines to watch everyone else live And now, for once, it's my turn, I've got something new to give

27 I don't need to tell myself that I'm not worth living I don't need to hold onto my reassurances I don't need to feel like if I left no one would care I've made it this far and now I'm letting myself live

27 I'm doing my best and I know that's all I can do I know it's enough and I know you will see it, too This life is so precious and that's why, now, I can say I'm glad that I know that I'll be turning 28

There's no big ending, no big rhyme to close off this chapter I'm not ending anything with a bang or a whimper Just acknowledging what I've now firmly put behind me

This is how it ends This is how it starts I deserve it.

I can never see past next week

A moment of peace in a busy world of busy people Staring out the window, the view of the balcony just blissfully capturing what my heart feels Though the loving embrace of the morning sun shines on me again, I can't help but let those thoughts intrude Still fearing the storm Still waiting for it to show

A path I know I am to travel again and travel fully There is time again until I must stand up and walk this path with ceaseless confidence Whether or not I am a changed woman, the journey continues ever onward toward the horizon Never ending past the hills Never did I quite sit still

Silence Stillness Serenity

Someday, I will make my break upon that path again

Filtered Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder if I could write to save my life Sometimes I wonder if all the effort's worth the strife I've been down this road before and now the twists are turns are pleasant Don't get too comfy, though, because I'm throwing another curveball at you

All the rhythms and the sounds and the echoes leave me restless I've been thinking, I've been thinking, I've been thinking of the present Turning circles in my head and now I'm spiraling down under but Don't take me there because Australia's just too many timezones apart

Fuck you, I don't need this judgemental mindless headspace I've been trying to keep up with all the thoughts and it's got me displaced I can feel like I'm alone, but like I'm here, and now it doesn't make sense I wish you could see beyond these filtered thoughts, I'm crying when I'm silent

It might feel like I'm just rambling in the distance It might feel like there's no pattern here and it's all senseless The waves of my mind keep my time and now I'm pondering still Sometimes I wonder if I'm loved for my posts or my personality

Probably Bad For You

When did all the lights begin to fade away? I see them now, I see them now When did you decide to leave me hurt this way? I'm healing now, won't bleed it out

All the little silly things you said to put me down *And all the guilt trips sink into a funnel in the ground and now * It's clear I'm not gonna be by your side next year

And now I'm probably bad for you I know I'm kind of a sin to you And maybe I'm still in love with you But I am probably bad for you

So when did you decide what's right from what's wrong? Well, I'll sort it out, I'll sort it out When did you decide I'm not the shining star you sought? I'm shining now, bright through the clouds

All the little silly things you said all those thoughts drown And all the nights I stayed up hoping you would call me out and now It's clear I'm not gonna be by your side next year

And now I'm probably bad for you I know I'm kind of a sin to you And maybe I'm still in love with you But I am probably bad for you

Keep me close, keep me near Tell me things I wanna hear Let me know I'm not too far from home Satisfy me just once more Send excuses to my door And don't forget to post it all, my dear It's clear I'm not gonna be by your side next year

I know I'm probably bad for you I know I'm kind of a sin to you And I don't think I'm in love with you 'Cus now I'm definitely bad for you

All the little silly things I did to keep me in your mind And all the times I sat alone at home and wondered why and now It's clear I don't wanna be by your side next year

She's Not Who She Used To Be

She looks in the mirror and likes what she sees It's obvious she's not who she used to be Thought she had her life found out by 14 But isn't it easy to think that, it seems Thinking it's over just ain't quite her style “Running, I'm running” she said for a while Run from her problems, run from mistakes Run because she doesn't understand things

She's not a model, she's not a queen Stressed and depressed, she would look up and scream Running in circles, she said she was fine “It'll always be this way” she said with a sigh That's just who she is, and it won't ever change She felt like she'd always be looked at as strange Hiding her gender, hiding her heart Keeping it secret's the easiest part

“I'm fed up, I'm stuck, and I've had enough” She wanted a change, she knew it'd be tough She took a deep breath and decided to try She quit her job, outed herself, and then cried There's no point in trying to live a big lie There's no point in not even trying to try She talked to some friends and she knew what to do “I'll fight for myself, cus it's long overdue”

She looks in the mirror and likes what she sees It's obvious she's not who she used to be The sad, lonely teenager just wanting friends The stressed, upset college kid hiding her dread “I know I'm a girl, and I see it right now” Things line up neatly, and clearer, somehow That's my big story, that's who you see I'm glad that I'm not who I used to be

Since When Did Winter End

I’m a mess A disaster, but I see it in a better light now than I did before I’m a mess But I manage every moment, and I get along well when it’s not as warm

Seasons change, people change I’m not a perfect model I can tell you how to improve While I lament all my struggles Then you’ll see

When Winter ends I think I get A little less upsetting So it seems

Here’s the thing I know it’s not quite summer, but I’ll make believe it’s just as bright outside Here’s the thing You would think it would be better, but predictions haven’t ever been my pride

Seasons change, people change It’s not always the weather I look around at all the leaves And see that change is better It’s insane

When Winter ends I think I get A little less upsetting So it seems

It’s surreal Can’t believe so much has happened, I reminisce and then I wonder if it’s real It’s surreal I know Winter’s fast approaching, I’m prepared and I’m excited now, I feel

Seasons change, people change I can’t believe I’m here now The time goes by and I still Think that yesterday was 1 month I’m impressed

When Winter ends I think I get A little less upsetting So it seems

When Winter ends I think I get A little less upsetting A little less depressing A little less regretting A little less repressing A little less regressing So it seems