A Letter To The Void

A place for me to keep my poetry.

I used to think about the monsters underneath my bed Hiding in the darkness, now they're stuck inside my head Why does everything I write feel like a call for help? Reaching out and seeing that no one knows how to tell

I've become the predator The arrow on your hearts Flailing wildly, spewing toxins That's the hardest part I'm no hunter, I don't bite, I think you might agree Lately I've been seeing there's a deeper side of me

Used to think about the many friendships I had held Keeping people close, wondering if they kept me as well Why does my destructive cycle keep on catching me? Pushing them away and watching how they distance me

I've become the predator The arrow on your hearts Flailing wildly, spewing toxins That's the hardest part I'm no hunter, I don't bite, I think you might agree Lately I've been seeing there's a deeper side of me

Lately I've been seeing there's a deeper side of me Come on, see me closer, and I think you might agree Look into my spiraling and thinking well of me Promise that I'll hurt you, but don't misunderstand me

I don't want to be villainous or toxic at my core I really wish that I could just stop hurting anymore I don't know how to fix this, but I'm trying all my tricks I cannot keep on hurting people, 'cus it makes me sick

I need you to believe me because sometimes I can't see it So please look a little closer and I promise I will be a bit More kind and empathetic and the person that you wanna be Friends with, and maybe partners, maybe that's a little private see I can't tell if I'm spiraling right now my thoughts keep flowing And I don't know if you ever will quite know just what I'm knowing Yeah, so let me finish writing and I'll get back to conspiring How I'll be a better predator for you

[Verse 1]

I write songs I'll never sing Like I write lines you'll never read And I can't help but be afraid That I can't finish anything

[Verse 2]

My emotions not in check Sorry, did I just say that? I don't know why I am so sad Now I'll cry and say my bad

[Chorus]

This is where I'd make a break, a part of this song to repeat But I don't care what it should say, 'cus I'm already bored, okay? This is where I'd write some lines to keep myself from going on And if I don't then you'll move on because this song is way too long

[Verse 3]

ADHD isn't grand It's more than just attention span I just hope you'll understand That I cannot control my hands

[Verse 4]

I could write more songs I guess Instead of doing all the rest Depends on if I finish this

[Verse 1]

Echoes Of someone I used to be Though I think I left myself quite far behind Troubles Of my life, they fade away Getting distant as I keep myself on time

[Pre-Chorus]

You can't see me, you can't see me But I'm growing Just believe me, just believe me I can show it I thought I was done with proving Myself worthy

No, I'm not The show goes on, I'm sorry

[Chorus]

Echoes, echoes, echoes Remind me of a time, my dear When I was once alone beside myself Echoes, echoes, echoes Used to read between the lines to clear Me up on blurry lenses in my mind

Now the echoes fade away And I'm not who I used to be, but that's okay, it fades away some day

[Verse 2]

Pictures Of a thing I used to see Yet I keep it out of focus in the end Memories The scenes of yesterday I'm so happy that I'm not who I was then

[Pre-Chorus]

You can't see me, you can't see me But I'm growing Just believe me, just believe me I can show it I thought I was done with proving Myself worthy

No, I'm not The show goes on, I'm sorry

[Chorus]

Echoes, echoes, echoes Remind me of a time, my dear When I was once alone beside myself Echoes, echoes, echoes Used to read between the lines to clear Me up on blurry lenses in my mind

Now the echoes fade away And I'm not who I used to be, but that's okay, it fades away some day

Echoes, echoes, echoes

Now the echoes fade away And I'm not who I used to be, but that's okay, it fades away some day

[Chorus] I'm hot, I'm cool, I'm the best you've ever seen not my ego, not a brag, just the facts up on the screen I take selfies cus I'm worth it and you all just need to see click, snap, upload, tap, here come the notifs loud and clear

[Verse 1] I can't help it if you're falling over me (click, snap, upload, tap) though it sure is fun to see your little squeaks (click, snap, upload, tap) judge me perfect, I'm a quirky little freak (click, snap, upload, tap) boost my pictures, tell me sweet words, pray to God that I will see (click, snap upload, tap)

[Chorus] I'm hot, I'm cool, I'm the best you've ever seen not my ego, not a brag, just the facts up on the screen I take selfies cus I'm worth it and you all just need to see click, snap, upload, tap, here come the notifs loud and clear

[Bridge] click, snap, upload, tap, click, snap, upload, tap (I sometimes think that I'm too much, it's true) click, snap, upload, tap, click, snap, upload, tap (I sometimes act like I don't have a clue) click, snap, upload, tap, click, snap, upload, tap (I sometimes worry if it is the truth) click, snap, upload, tap, click, snap, upload, tap (All this attention, this attention, this attention, this attention)

[Chorus] I'm hot, I'm cool, I'm the best you've ever seen not my ego, not a brag, just the facts up on the screen I take selfies cus I'm worth it and you all just need to see click, snap, upload, tap, here come the notifs loud and clear

[Intro] things are gonna change, yeah things are gonna change things are gonna change, yeah things are gonna change

[Verse 1] I try to tell myself I'm happier in place but that's a lie, dear we all know my fears I'm just worried what you think and what you'll say am I talented yet? questions in my own head

[Pre-Chorus] and if my friends and followers know me then they'll know this song before I show them it

[Chorus] things are gonna change, yeah things are gonna change things are gonna change, yeah things are gonna change another year gone, am I stuck in place? but when I look back I don't recognize my own face things are gonna change, yeah things are gonna change things are gonna change, yeah things are gonna change even for better, for worse, I'm here and my words are echoing clear, my dear

[Verse 2] feels like I can't write a happy poem but what's there to say? not happy everyday and I don't need you to feel sorry for me this one's for my peers bittersweet thoughts, cheers

[Pre-Chorus] and if my friends and followers know me then they'll know this song before I show them it

[Chorus] things are gonna change, yeah things are gonna change things are gonna change, yeah things are gonna change another year gone, am I stuck in place? but when I look back I don't recognize my own face things are gonna change, yeah things are gonna change things are gonna change, yeah things are gonna change even for better, for worse, I'm here and my words are echoing clear, my dear

another year gone, am I stuck in place? but I don't look back, I just keep my pace

[Intro] Black rose, thorns sharp and trapped inside a clear vessel Petals falling, won't you please come and save this wilting weed Slower still, it's a tragic, but slow death inside the glass cage Seasons change, nights fade and dissipate into similar shades of gray

[Chorus] On the windowsill, perched and perfectly still I can see the brightest stars in the sky Yes, the wind is still, make a wish, if you will And I will too in hopes that time goes by

[Verse 1] This is Not a cry for help, I don't need my princess Belle I just want to truly be set free I am Trapped in this case, though it's safe, I'm afraid Will I be the rose I see inside? You can Find me up here, perched and perfectly still Kicked my feet and staring up so high Black rose Prick me again, make me bleed, little friend Oh, if only I weren't in my mind

[Chorus] On the windowsill, perched and perfectly still I can see the brightest stars in the sky Yes, the wind is still, make a wish, if you will And I will too in hopes that time goes by

[Verse 2] I don't Want to be afraid, there's much progress I have made And I'm only getting further, still I am Trapped inside my cage, don't see a way I can escape A cognitive prison, against my will Looking down Will never help, I see my death, my biggest doubts A fall that's deep enough that it would kill So I Keep my head held high, looking up into the sky As the petals wilt onto the 'sill

[Chorus] On the windowsill, perched and perfectly still I can see the brightest stars in the sky Yes, the wind is still, make a wish, if you will And I will too in hopes that time goes by

[Epilogue] I look down at the black rose, the vessel is as glossy and beautiful as the treasure it contains The stars in the sky look down at me and smile, and I can feel their warm glow from here If I could be that rose, take it outside its cell and transfuse its radiant beauty I am a dreamer in the hopes that one day the vessel shatters and I too will be set free A rose like no other, with thorns trimmed, and petals full as it blooms in the new morning Sun

The wind calms, the storm in my mind settles The static pervading off the edges of my mind's perspective finally begins to focus itself into a clearer darkness

My thoughts wedge themselves into place For a brief moment, I am collected, as the fears and insecurities of my life slowly inch themselves further away

The tide is low, I am standing at the shore A breeze gently brushes past my skin as I ponder when the wind will pick up again and leave me to brave its harsh gusts

Evidently, the storm will return The static will regain its strength, and my thoughts will cloud themselves once more as I attempt to continue forward

For now, in this moment, I am at peace

Author’s Note: This song/poem has heavy overtones of relationship abuse. Please be aware of that before you read.

I’ve never been the one to think I’m waiting on their time But days go by I’m wondering if they’re really satisfied They tell me that that love me, and they’re happy to oblige But when I ask for more forgiveness, it’s too much, I can’t deny

I let myself believe that I’m the one who’s done wrong And I can fix it baby, please, just let me write this little song All the problems, all the issues, I can change myself you’ll see I can mold myself so maybe you’ll stop yelling at me, please

They’re wonderful, they’re pleasant, and I tell them every day They message me on weekdays, other friends must stay away When we’re calling every night I hear their voice just start to fade They’re telling me it’s fine, and yet I know it’s not okay

I let myself believe that I’m the one who’s done wrong And I can fix it baby, please, just let me write this little song All the problems, all the issues, I can change myself you’ll see I can mold myself so maybe you’ll stop yelling at me, please

I want them to be happy, I want them to be pleased Why can’t I just be perfect? I’ll be anything they need Since when did love become a game of trying to succeed I hate this, every day I cry, I need to be set free

(And yet) I let myself believe that I’m the one who’s done wrong And I can fix it baby, please, just let me write this little song All the problems, all the issues, I can change myself you’ll see I can mold myself so maybe you’ll stop yelling at me, please

All the problems, all the issues, I can change myself you’ll see I can mold myself so maybe you’ll stop yelling at me, please

[Epilogue]

(I love you, I just want you to love me... No, please, please say something... No don’t leave please just- I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, you’re right.... I’ll stop talking to them... I’m sorry, please... Okay. Yes... Alright... I love you.... Are you okay?... I love you... I’m sorry... I’ll change, please just don’t leave me...)

Author's note: here's a bit of freeform poetry I wrote a while back that I thought I'd share. I know it doesn't flow super well, but I'm proud of it, and I think it's good sometimes to write stuff that's a bit off beat when it's meaningful to do so

Empty hearts and empty sheets I'm sleeping in my dreams And I wish I could say they were the same feel that I get when I see your name on my screen Wish you were in my dreams when I'm fast asleep and I can't control the pace or the scene But when I wake up it's still a fantasy I'm alone and unseen Empty hearts and black dreams I'm sleeping in my sheets And I wish that I could say you were here with me when I wake up and hear your name in my mind Wish you were by my side and held tight and I can't convey how good it feels every time But when I wake up it's still a fantasy I'm alone and unseen Tell me the difference between day dreaming and the way you pass right through my hands when I try to hold you I'm missing someone I've never felt in the presence of my room or my heart before and I can't explain it, can't convey it Still just writing lines to a void that comforts me as much as the paper I'd recycle when I'm done bleeding ink on the page

You should keep your distance You should never stay You should learn your lesson I’m never okay I’ll always be wanting More than I can say Use your fucking head now And please stay away “I’ll never be happy” That’s the simple phrase Always pushing boundaries Always such a pain Writing lines is hopeless Just pills to help delay You should learn your lesson I’m never okay

Mhm mhm. (It’s time for a break)

I’m never satisfied, don’t you think that you’d agree? Just a sad, pathetic, hopeless mess with endless strife and grief You can say that I’m perfection, you can tell me that you care You can say I deserve better, now just let me go from there I’m nobody’s posession, no one’s aiming for my pride And deserving better never helped me, I think that’s a lie Now it’s not about attention, and it’s not about my worth It’s not about a partnership I’ll never find on Earth It’s the simple fact I’m broken and I’m tearing at the seams Try to keep myself together helping other people, see?

I worry about people I worry how I’m seen I worry what they think of me when I’m not on their screen I worry if they think of me at all, just the same I wonder if they worry ‘bout me too, when they’re in-game I always seem to focus on if everyone’s alright I always seem to go to bed and wonder through the night

“Are they okay?” “Did they see me?” “Am I helping?” I’m repeating

I go to bed I close my eyes Another day Another night