S1.E3: Catchup and Cries (Ketchup and Fries)
First off, 100 views in total! Literally nothing, yet also super cool. I wonder if it's a robot, a fluke, or legitimately more than 3 people viewed it over 33.333 times. Maybe a combination of the three options.
It's July 27th, so that's about 17 days since the last post. At the time I was dealing with some intense sinus issues, and that did indeed last a full week. Things got more stressful, more intense, testier, ending with a volcanic eruption from my dad at me, that left me crying quietly when no one could see for a few hours. I do suppose I should expound upon that (healthy, point of this blog, venting blah blah blah).
I want something to be understood about my dad, and brown dads in general: They are amazing men. Truly! In so many ways. My dad came to this country when he was 23 years old, as a newlywed but alone, to set up shop on the other side of the world to provide a better life for my family. Me at 23, I still find it hard to comprehend doing that. For a long time, I looked up to my father through a lens of fear, admiration, and pride honestly. He was the only person I ever thought of as a role model when I was young. I wanted to be just like him for a long time. I learned a lot from my dad, and I still do every day.
As I got older, I started realizing there are better ways to interact with people. More transparency, more explanation, more thoughtfulness, just being better. I do a lot to improve myself every day. I try and be thoughtful about creating better habits, thinking about how I eat, thinking about how to use my time, thinking about how I act and how it affects others. Sometimes I get caught up in things and slip, sometimes I get frustrated. But I try and be a better person for myself and the people around me not because I want to seem good, but because I want to be good. I also try and take accountability for who I am and where I've failed.
My visa is inherently tied to my dad, so we have to work together and since I'm currently also living at home, it's a lot of time together and tension. That week of me being sick put a real hamper on the usual “more focus on work” lifestyle, and I was a bit too reactive maybe? I didn't get to say much during the argument. I just sat there for about 20 minutes and watched him berate the man I had been turning into. It hurt a lot, but these blowups usually happen once a year. I always go through the same cycle. Back off, stay a little tenser with him, slowly ease up, slowly relax, eventually make a mistake. I've had situations like these happen since I was 15. The difference is that now, I know that I am making good choices and becoming a good man. Yet I can't leave, I'm still tied to all of everything with no choice unless I choose to break the law. The ability to choose your future is still one of the greatest abilities I could ever think of, and I know I will be able to eventually. What's difficult is holding on emotionally while going through that.
I want it to be known, I'm learning every single time this happens. I'm tightening up a little longer, I'm missing less, I get physically stronger and mentally stronger. More organized, more focused, more intelligent, more thoughtful. With each word I take I cry less each time. Saving a little more money each day. One day I'll never have to worry about it again. As I said to one of my friends: “it's a waiting game and all I have to do is keep pace and wait out the clock. Each day I see more and more openings for a permanent solution to this lifestyle”. I'm learning how I don't want to raise my kids too.
I just also need to remember not to let the world turn me cruel as I struggle forward. Some days are hard! They really really really are. I can keep going though. The ticking noise the clock makes is just reminding me I'm getting closer every day. Time's on my side.