write.as

CW: Coming Out as Trans, Transphobic and Dysphoria Experiences

This has been eating at me and will continue to do so until I say something so here it goes:

Hi, I'm Zenith, and my pronouns are She/Her.

I've been on this journey of self-discovery since coming out as non-binary in 2020, and back then I thought I knew who I was and I had everything figured out. I was completely wrong.

There was some part of me I was neglecting & denying for a long time. It took me becoming very sick and coming to grips with my mortality to realize it. It took coming here and not being afraid to be myself to realize it.

Every day I realize I might have even less and less time on this Earth than I had ever imagined, and I won't feign to live another day as someone else.

When I was little, I didn't really associate myself with other boys. I found myself more easily associating myself with girls and longing to experience the kinds of things they were allowed to experience: Makeup, pretty not-baggy clothing, etc. I would steal my sister's clothes, I would try on makeup in secret, and I would find solace in the natural androgynitity of my late puberty. However, I was an alien to both binary genders, girls thought I was a boy and boys thought I was too girly.

I loved a lot of what my body had to offer before puberty finally hit, but I hate what other people thought I was. I hated being trapped in other people's expectations of me based on what gender they thought I was: the short military style haircuts, the baggy hand-me-downs, I hated it so very much. It was only made worse when the testosterone started to affect my body, the acne... the hair... the sweat... the smell... the BEARD.

I would be so angry all the time, and that frustration carried with me all the way until recently, until I allowed myself to experience all the things I had denied myself.

I thought for a long time that anger was a natural part of my soul, that I was just born angry as my mother had always told me. But that was wrong. So so very wrong.

The thing that confused me for a long time was two things:

I'll address the second item first: I had some serious transphobia to work thorough as far as how I viewed myself. My mother, who is deeply christian and has turned into an (openly) alt-right conspiracy bigot over the last decade, imparted on me a lot of transphobic views and thoughts. She had taught me to be very open minded before she turned, but when it came to anything LGBT at all, suddenly it was met with extreme resistance.

Over the course 7 years, from my very first tentative steps unto the early landscapes of tumblr, I had to learn myself what it truly meant to be trans and non-binary, and the almost infinite and varied experiences within the community. It took a very long time, then all at once, to over come all the internal obstacles.

I thought I had to be either a man or woman. I thought there were only two 'right' directions to transition. I thought I had to get top and/or bottom surgery. I thought I had to change my name. I thought I had to change my pronouns. I was afraid of rejection from within and outside of the community. I was afraid of losing my friends and family, and my support network with it. I was afraid I would be wrong and make a mistake.

The answers: I am neither, but a little bit femmine sometimes.

There is no right way to transition.

You don't have to get surgery.

I didn't have to change my name, but the comfort in not having to allowed me to become more comfortable in choosing a new one.

I didn't have to change my pronouns, but the lack of pressure of having to pick allowed me to find a new normative pronoun that better fit me.

Regardless of who supported me or not, what mattered was that I could live with MYSELF.

Everyone makes mistakes, and I am always learning. I made a mistake coming out as non-binary and not coming out as trans too in the first place

My preferences are uniquely me: I like being small and cute and pretty, I love kitties and cute things and crying over the little things. But I also like hanging out with 'the boys' and being loud and boisterous. I love video games of all kinds, from the shooters to the doll makers, to the real time strategies to the puzzle games. My preferences do not define my gender, and other peoples assignment of binary genders to actions, behaviors, hobbies, and all other things do not define me either.

My experiences as a trans individual are incredibly unique: I am me. I am still non-binary. I am never male, but sometimes I am more feminine but never quite female (genderflux demigirl). And I am always, ALWAYS strongly something else that is neither male nor female (Aporagender). My gender is way more complex than I ever thought it was... but I am excited to finally understand who I am and what I experience.

PS, About my Mastodon Account: I am completely aware that I will have to change my username, but it will be a process. I am still new on the Fediverse and I will figure out the process soon.