Emotion
It is a confusing thing, emotion. How am I supposed to control something that I don't even understand? If I don't know what the pain and darkness in my brain is or how it works how am I supposed to fix it? I try to explain this feeling to others, to myself but there is no word to describe this darkness. Other emotions will appear or just come by but the only one to truly live inside of me is the darkness. Again I can't explain it but it is like a swarm of black emptiness in my brain. It is sadness and shame living in my heart. It is the longer for it all to stop, for my world to stop. It is the feeling that I don't matter, and that no one would care if I were to just disappear. I know this is not true my family and friends tell me so, but I know that if my world stopped spinning everyone else would continue. It may slow down or go slightly off course but life would go on for those around me.
If you feel this way like I do, I am sorry. I know what you feel, but I don't know how to stop it. I urge you to continue on with your life and talk to someone, to not let your world stop spinning.
Friends
In life you don't need everyone to be your friend,you really just need one truly good friend that you can open up to. Having a friend like this is important so that you can really express your self without feeling you are being judged. This is also very important just because you need someone to laugh with and someone that can make you happy.
For me this friend is very different from anyone else I have ever know. She can make me laugh and smile when no one else can. I have known this person for as long as I can remember though I have been told that we met when we were only 3 years old. Believe it or not as much as I love today, a long time ago I didn't. I didn't really enjoy this girl when we were younger and I am not sure why. Today I love this person more than anyone and I can open up to her about anything especially things I can't tell others.
If you haven't found a friend like this yet that is just fine, and you just need to remember that you will find this kind of person at some point all you have to do is look.
How to survive in depression
Life is the kind of thing that for me it is either wonderful or awful. There is really no in between for me and it can be tough because a lot of the time I notice my life being more on the awful side then the great. I get it life isn't always amazing and sometimes you may find your self in a pit that you don't know how to get out of. My advice for these times is to wait and though it is tough someone passing by will eventually see you down there and throw down a ladder. Though this strategy wont always be the quickest way to get out of this pit it will help you stay out in the long run since you will now have a friend there beside you keeping you out of harms way. I also suggest being the one to throw down the ladder every time and to never just let someone remain in their pit.
How to remain happy when doubting life
1. Find a friend
2. Find a reason to continue on with your life
3. When in a dark place find something to do
4. Always remember that someone out their loves you
5. Remember that you madder to me and everyone else around you
Okay so I know that you have heard probably all of these before, but nothing that could have the potential to save you could possibly be said too much. If you don't understand 3 a couple of examples are, think of school work to do or a room in your house to clean or try to exercise. Also I know that 2 and 4 are hard as I suffer from this issue as well but just try to remember all of these steps.
How writing helps me
I write books, not to show to anyone or to publish or anything like that, but I enjoy writing and so I write these stories for myself. I don't think that I am a good writer but sometimes I do think that I am not that, of course other times what I write is complete trash. Anyways writing these stories helps me express my anxiety and depression since I don't talk about it to others. Since writing is my only way to get out these emotions most of my stories include a character with one of these problems. I do this so that I can truly explain my problems to the fullest detail I can without letting people know that the words on these pages are describing me and my mind.
Though I don't share these stories with anyone I thought since I am anonymous I could share something about one of my stories. This paragraph that I will show you was from a book that I have not yet completed. Since I was not planning to share this with anyone it probably isn't that great.
Why do I feel all these things why am I Lost. Stranded. Stuck. And Abandoned.This is what happens. This is what I feel. What happens in my head. This is my anxiety. This is me. I have anxiety, I have depression. I try to be happy. I try to hide it but I can’t, I just can’t. Why do I feel a need to hide it, would they accept me if I didn’t or would I be left alone, again? Why do I feel alone, like I am in the middle of the ocean drowning. lost. terrified. Alone. Why are these the things that I feel? Why can’t I feel happy? Instead I feel lost and alone. When it happens I can’t breathe I can’t see I am stranded with nothing and I just can’t get to the top of the water. Why is this me? Why am I like this?
Me and the Story of my Mind
I am a young teenager and I have had many mental diseases throughout my life. When I started middle school I quickly noticed growing anxiety within me. Within in that year I began to gain more and more anxiety as well as painful and life threatening depression. Though anxiety still affects me greatly I have been having greater issues with my depression. I didn't tell anyone about these feeling since I didn't know what they were yet. When I finally told my family after 2 years of the pain they quickly found me a therapist. I stayed with this therapist for about a month then found she was not fully focused on helping me.
We then found a new therapist, this therapist helped for a small amount of time until she began suggesting to me and my mother that I could be making up this whole situation for attention. I understand why she would have thought this since I am from a crazy family where I have never really been the center of attention. I still was not okay with this suggestion so I quickly corrected her telling her that this pain and torture was completely real. She then didn't bring it up again so I thought that I could continue going to her for help and support since I needed it. This therapist and I agreed that it would be a good idea to have support out side of the house. So she prescribed me an Emotional Support Animal or an E.S.A I already had a small dog who would stop me from hurting myself since he made me feel instantly better when I saw him, I suggested him to be my E.S.A so he was then certified as my E.S.A. no my e.s.d
Shortly after this my therapist had that same suggestion that I just was in need of attention. I don't know why but after that session I didn't tell my mother about her suggestion. All I said was that I no longer wanted to go to this therapist. I don't understand why I didn't tell her I just didn't want her to know for some reason.
Anyways I still deal with these issues and don't always have the best ways of dealing with it. Even though I don't go to therapy I still bring my dog with me places and he does help he also helps at home but he is not always there to help. I just wanted to get this out to I guess make others feel less alone. So thank you.