An Open Letter to the Men of Ashley Madison on Courting
I want to begin with saying, we know you are trying. We get that it must feel a little bit like the hunger games of pussy, we have heard your stories. We commiserate. For us it is not all that different, except that we are the hunted, and some times you are inadvertently terrifying. Possibly some of you may be trying terrifying on as a potential strategy, I’m going to go ahead and tell you to stop that right now.
I wanted to offer you some advice and assistance as a service to both you and your intended prey, a sort of how to guide for pussy if you will. To keep you focused I am structuring this into a top ten type list based on my experiences. Get your notebooks, I’m waiting.
- We get it. Really. You love licking women.
I am not sure who wrote the memo telling men that the way to catch a woman’s attention is to write her lengthy texts on how much you love eating pussy. I am not going to say its a bad thing. I am going to go ahead and say maybe start with something a little more basic. Like hi maybe? How are you? What’s your deal? An opening offer that includes all of my ice cream cone like possibilities, or elaborate scenarios of hanging me from the ceiling while licking me, may not feel quite right to start. I get I don’t speak for all women, and don’t get me wrong, your offer to “lap my juicy wetness all over your backseat” does have an interesting appeal, but maybe tell me your name first.
- However you start is now our expectation.
I cannot over emphasize this enough, do not over promise. I know you are excited, its cute really, but if you text us twenty times an hour for the first week we kind of think that’s who you are, and its really confusing when your game changes. Which it will. Because we have jobs and shit. Do not over commit, consider your opening pursuit carefully to avoid later irritating conversations. Also remember that exciting chat is totally an artificial environment, we may be totally mismatched or I might wear a cat as a wig or something, Not that I am judging ladies, you do you.
- We all lie about our weight and use overly flattering pictures.
You are doing it, We are doing it, Deal. It’s the human condition, Side note from a friend of mine also on the site; pictures more than six months old are unacceptable, She now asks you to hold up a current newspaper for validation.
- Learn what passive aggressive is and stop using it as a life tool.
Sometimes things happen fast, sometimes slow, sometimes not at all. Be clear on your expectations and don’t try and guilt us into changing, This shit can be scary, sometimes we need to assess you are not a serial killer. I am more likely to think you are if you say things like “I just want to get to know you” but then demand a list of all the things I am willing to do in your truck when we meet. Alternately, if things go fast and you get freaked out, don’t make that our fault, you were also there.
- I am not turned on by your problems at home.
I understand this is often hard for men in difficult relationships, You don’t tend to talk to other men. You are lonely, again, I get it. Have you considered a therapist? Or maybe a pet? If you spend our time telling me all the reasons your wife is not meeting your needs then you are now just another thing I have to take care of and support in my life, I promise you, this is the opposite of most women’s fantasy, We are already likely taking care of a lot of people’s needs, don’t make yourself another thing draining our life slowly from us, this is supposed to be our escape.
I know that technically a top ten list should have ten things but I feel that five is a good strong start. Do your homework and maybe we can start on the next section. Perhaps we can convince AM to host a Q and A?
Don’t worry, you’ll get this. I know it!