Domination and Weakness
A few men break some of the rules, some break all of them. Depending where I am weak I see that I am alternately drawn back to these rule breakers, and particularly the ones who approach me with such certainty that it becomes too easy to relinquish, to hand over to them. To relax in their usually brooding confidence. Finally, I won't have to decide, or resolve, or make better. It is a position that I find equally soothing and terrifying.
These men are also sometimes in my angsty man stable (see previous post) but I have put them there. It appears I also don't release them. Often they poke me, nuzzle questioningly, But sometimes, when I'm really low, I poke them. I have pondered why I do this, I have tried deleting them and closing off to them when I'm in a good place, but there are days where everything feels not right. On those days, I want those men, the ones that will tell me how to make it right.
I know what I want when this happens. He also knows what I want. I want him to pull my hair and tell me he has missed my throaty voice and my sexy ass, I want him to tell me what he will do to me. I want that. I want to be drunk on his wanting and steadfastness. I am in awe of his certitude.
It seems the lower I am, the more I want that. The harder it is to follow my own rules. What is it I wonder that makes me want this thing? I know what will happen. It is the same every time. I will awake from this stupor when I have rebalanced or he has pushed a boundary I am not ready to let go, and I will have to coax him back down, back to the stable.
But. In this moment. There is his voice. And I don't have to hear my own. And I feel the bliss of letting go a little.