When What You Want Isn’t What You Need
As I sift through my own mind to try to better understand my patterns and current situation there is one thing that is abundantly clear, often the thing I think I want is not actually the thing I want, and certainly not the thing I need.
In getting to know other humans intimately I am able to see this a lot in others. People who are so used to wanting a certain thing they have become attached to that wanting, it’s like an old friend now, and they fail to be able to see they may not even want that thing anymore. They likely don’t need that thing, in fact, it almost always is causing them pain.
I too am attached to the wanting. The idea of a thing that will meet my needs, largely in the form of another person. I am inherently disappointed and I know that one likely reason is that I don’t actually need the thing I think I want. I am just deeply attached to the idea of it. And so. I am surprised when I become ambivalent to it, when a man I think I want reaches out to me and I feel the urge to shrug with indifference. I engage, I think, I want this, I better take advantage of it’s presence, what if it goes away and I have nothing?
But I know. I don’t want this. I am sure of it now. Now the job is to figure out how to let go of the wanting and recognize the pattern for what it is.