Pandemic Weary
I'm not sure if I'm actually depressed. I've been clinically depressed in the past and this doesn't feel quite exactly like that. I may just be “pandemic weary”.
I'm ricocheting back and forth between dread at being logged in to work, to extreme boredom when I'm not. I recall a time, once, when maybe I had interests and activities to look forward to pursuing. I even remember what they were, as the ghosts of these projects still exist on my computer or in my notes. A lot of the time I just feel tired, mentally mostly. It doesn't feel like it's worth it to do anything, even as I struggle with a lack of anything to do.
I'll sit down at my computer, which is full of promise. I'll have some vague idea that I'll find something entertaining there. Or something informative. Or some hobby to dabble in. But less than 5 minutes after sitting down and checking my email once again (still nothing but ads), I realize that it's an empty shell. The computer has nothing to offer me, because nothing external can ease the internal angst I'm feeling.
I marvel at my wife's ability to click another YouTube video. Usually after managing to watch a YouTube video, the last thing I'd want to do is sit through another. In my imagination, she's just going through the motions, lost as I am, eyes glazed over as the video plays on her screen. I might not be too far from the truth.
What is to be done with these feelings? I think the first thing is to document them, which I'm attempting to do here. Unfortunately, that's as far as I've gotten and I have no idea what the second step is.