The Black Calypso

Relationship fails and everything in between. Will I ever find love or will I continue in this endless loop? Post links are underneath title. Thanks in advance!

Hey y’all! Happy December! Wishing y’all much love and blessings over this holiday season.

Y’all…ya girl needs a miracle. Like I’m legit confused and kinda sad.

I got back with my most recent ex on Sunday. He came over, we talked and stuff and hung out the whole day.

Honestly it was a dream that I wished would’ve never ended.

However, the reason we broke up in the first place is because he has a habit of stonewalling.

For those of you who aren’t familiar with the term, I bet you’re familiar with the act. Probably had someone do it to you or you’ve committed the act yourself.

Stonewalling is essentially the act when a person shuts down towards one or more people with no warning whatsoever. They immediately cease all forms of communication and you usually don’t know when you’ll ever hear from them again.

While this doesn’t sound drastic, anyone who has been on the receiving end of this can say otherwise.

Receivers can feel lack of caring, low self-esteem, anxious, unloved…basically you become so desperate to help out the person stonewalling you that you feel like unlovable trash.

Now this isn’t to say it’s done to hurt anyone. Sometimes it is and can be technically considered a form of emotional abuse depending on the circumstances.

However, some folks just need time and space. Which is completely understandable. However, when you’re stuck on the receiving end of constantly having someone walk in and out your life like that with no warning and they pretend like nothing happened, it’s draining.

He has a lot going on and I truly sympathize with it. But I was stood up this week after he promised to see me and haven’t heard from him since.

I’m so worried because it seems like he’s depressed and I don’t want him doing anything to harm himself. I just wanna be there for him. I feel so useless. I just wish I knew he was ok. That’s all.

Am I cared about? Honestly I wonder. I feel like a toy that a child throws somewhere and forgets and found again weeks later.

I know he doesn’t mean to make me feel this way but I’m trying my best to be respectful and supportive.

But it’s making me depressed honestly. I don’t know where we stand because he won’t communicate with me at all.

I don’t know what to do.

If anyone here has any advice, my email is listed on here. Please help.

Besides him getting in a funk like this when shit goes bad, everything else is absolutely amazing.

I’ve never felt this way about anyone and I wanna stay with him.

So please, help a sista out.

Ciao, lovelies

Hey there lovelies. Hope your day is going well. I wish you radiant skin and warmth this beautiful November afternoon.

So I’m gonna it you guys with yet ANOTHER throwback (Dating life is kinda stagnant now). Sit back and enjoy, alright?

So, freshman year of college.

My first step into adulthood. First time living away from home and being free to make my own decisions without my mom and dad bothering me all the time.

I had decided to reinvent myself: I learned how to do hair, put on eyelashes, committed myself to a strict skincare routine and made a goal to gain weight to I could have some junk in the trunk. (Ya girl was the size of a string bean and I personally wasn’t happy with my my look.) I wanted to look more feminine and girly, including gaining curves.

It ended up working out! I loved my new look. It was definitely a daily commitment, but I liked how neat and feminine I looked. I felt comfortable in my skin.

While on this journey, I began to get more attention from the opposite sex. It made me feel good but I didn’t exactly know how to go about interacting with them too much, unfortunately. While I was an extroverted person, I was very awkward and had trouble talking to guys. I’d get ready shy or avoid them.

So anyways, I met a guy named James (I forgot his actual name lol). He was an RA in my building. He was tall (6’2”) with dreads and glasses. Really cute.

I had the biggest crush on him and whenever he put together events for the dorm, I’d be there. Because of this, he knew my name and face pretty well and we’d chat here and there. Call me Little Caesars, cuz I stayed hot and ready! (Bars)

He threw a party in our dorm on a Friday night and me and my girls rolled thru. Hair, lipgloss, earrings, everything poppin!

I started dancing and he ended up joining me. Ya know the usual, holding the waist, grinding, all of that. We danced together for about 5 songs straight. Shortly after, we ended up kissing right there on the dance floor.

I felt like the luckiest girl alive!

We exchanged phone numbers and I left and went to bed on cloud nine.

He texted me the next day and from then on, we texted basically 24/7, hung out, flirted and all that for a couple of weeks.

One night, I needed help with my homework (don’t ask what kind it was like 7 years ago) and I texted him. He came by but ya girl wasn’t focused on homework…

Things got hot and heavy and of course one thing led to another 😝. One of the best nights I had while in school.

We continued seeing each other for a couple months.

Then one day, I was on Snapchat, watching stories.

I ended up watching this one particular story from a girl I went to camp with.

Jaw dropped.

Her first post was a snap of James and her kissing and the caption said: Happy Two Year Anniversary babe!

I felt destroyed. Betrayed. Disgusted. He told me initially that he had went through a really bad breakup 6 months ago and was single because of that!

Thing is, I knew my camp friend had a boyfriend, but never knew his name or what he looked like. Mystery solved.

I instantly blocked him and ceased all contact with him. I couldn’t bear to even be around the dorm.

He kept using my student email to contact me and would leave notes under my door. I never answered.

That was the end of that.

Also, apparently another girl was in the mix and his girlfriend ended up finding out about that and left him.

And he got rejected from med school. So it all worked out.

Some people are just trash. Throw them out.

Ciao lovelies! 💕

Morning lovelies. Hope you’re doing well.

Here I am, yet again with another story for ya. Had a dream about it last night and thought I’d share it. This one was themes such as suicide and depression, so please take caution if you decide to read.

The summer before my third year of college, I met a guy on Tinder. (Tinder isn’t just for hookups guys.) His name was Adam. He was studying political science at a nearby community college and was a big foodie like me.

We clicked instantly: we were on FaceTime everyday, texting constantly, etc. Hell, I even help him with his homework a bit (politics and economics overlap quite a bit.)

He was perfect. We went on fun dates: kayaking, laser tag, zip lining, bowling, etc. He was the adventurous type.

Everything was great. The affection, the sex, the gifts, the attention…

That is until he went to the military.

He had signed up for the army. And was due to leave for basic training in two months after we began our relationship.

Eventually, he left and our relationship shifted to long distance. I’d write him letters almost everyday and would send him down basic personal items through the mail. (I’ll never understand why they aren’t allowed to go buy their own toilet paper and stuff but whatever.)

Every now and then, I’d check my phone to see if he’d text or call me. Over the course of time we were together while he was there, I only got two texts. Sad, right? But I knew they weren’t to be allowed on their phones anyways.

One of the texts said he appreciated my letters. The other was a breakup text sent to me in the middle of the night, while I was in the hospital on suicide watch.

While he was down there training, I had started experiencing depression for the first time ever. Not because of him. It was completely random.

I wasn’t myself. I didn’t have an appetite for days and I remember I dropped 10 pounds in a week because I ate nothing but a bag of chips and drank only water.

I couldn’t talk to people. Someone would say or wave hi to me and I’d run like a startled animal.

Then, maybe a week before he sent the breakup text, I cut my neck with scissors. I was influenced by longtime friend who I got into an argument with, not believing any of my depressive symptoms.

It hurt so much. I’d been to counseling and was diagnosed with moderate depression and anxiety disorder. My life was falling apart.

After cutting my neck, I came to my senses and ran to get help. One of my neighbors called the police and I was rushed to the hospital.

I stayed for a week. On the day I was discharged, I finally got a text from my then boyfriend. After a completely shitty month and wanting to give up on life, it really lifted my spirits when I saw the notification.

Then, I opened it.

He had broken up with me. While I was in the hospital.

And if you’re wondering if he knew about my depression, I can’t exactly answer that. I wrote detailed letters constantly of what was happening with me and sent them off, but I never got any letters back. So who knows if he ever bothered to read them. Or maybe he read some but not all.

So yes, I got broken up while on suicide watch at the hospital over text. And I couldn’t even respond back because he blocked me immediately after sending it.

Haven’t seen or heard from him to this day.

If you’re wondering about my health now, I’m fine. I survived. I had a great support system at school, work and at home and I’m so grateful they helped me through this.

It took about 8 months for my symptoms to subsidy and to be able to normally interact with people again.

Depression creeps up on me sometimes and I still have to fight it, but it’s not a daily or monthly fight like it used to be.

But screw that guy, screw the fake ass person I thought was my friend and screw depression and anxiety!

I apologize if this is triggering for anyone, but I needed to speak my truth.

Ciao, lovelies!

Morning, lovely folks. Hope you had plenty of food, drinks, and fun. Lord knows I did.

Maybe I had a bit too much, to be honest. A shot of Jack, some Bacardi, yadda yadda…ya girl got wasted, ok?!?!?

Anyways, while this went on, me and the folks around me were talking about our worse high school relationships. Here’s mine:

12 grade. Senior year. The bridge to adulthood. I was feeling myself hard. I had managed to get on-site admissions to the school of my choice and was one of the top students in my class. I knew my dream career: Journalism (Now of course, things change over time. I ended up getting a degree in Economics.). I was on top of the freaking world.

I’ll never forget. The next week after getting accepted to school, I met a guy at my local library. Name was Sam. He was the tall, dark and handsome type and when he smiled, his face lit up, showing those deep dimples and pearly whites. Hot af.

We went to different schools. I was a city kid, he went to private school in the burbs. But we saw each other everyday after school faithfully. He asked me out after a week of us talking.

I was on a high. Everything was perfect: my future, my friends, my boyfriend (at the time). I thought this was it for me.

So on the 8th day of us being together, I went to the library with my friends and was so excited to meet him. I had made him a bracelet, as a reminder that I was always with him.

I walk into the library and head towards our usual study room. I open the door, and stop in my tracks: Sam is standing there kissing a mutual friend of our friend group!

I was in complete shock. I dropped my books. He sees me and hits me with the classic: “It’s not what it looks like” line. I couldn’t bear to stay in that place a moment longer. I could barely breathe.

I threw the bracelet on the floor and it broke apart. I ran out the library, with my best friend running after me. I didn’t stop running. I basically sprinted the entire way home. Ran right into my room and cried into my pillow.

(I know it may sound dramatic because, hey we were only together for 8 days but, I was a teenage girl with a huge crush. Can you blame me?)

I was a total mess. My friends had saw it and pitied me. They tried to reconcile me and all, but you know how your mind fucks with you: “Am I not enough?”, “What does she have that I don’t?”, “Am I a bad girlfriend?”, “If I would’ve had sex with him, would we still be together?”…

Fact of the matter is, that there is nothing I could’ve done to have stopped him from cheating. Anyone that wants to cheat, is most likely gonna do it. Is it shitty? Yes. Does it suck? A THOUSAND TIMES YES. Of course, it took some time for me to realize it at the moment. I felt like my little world had fell apart.

So apparently, he starts dating the chick he cheated on me with. The chick starts bashing me, saying he upgraded and how I wasn’t good enough insert eyeroll

He broke up with her after 5 days. Ha.

So shortly after that, he stopped coming to the library and I never saw him again to this day. But I heard some interesting stuff.

One of my friends from my home economics class told me that he lied about his entire identity. (Heard all this in my first month of college). Basically his name wasn’t even Sam, he wasn’t 17 (that’s what he told us), he was actually 20, never finished high school and was apparently homeless.

Can you believe that???? I can’t believe I fell for someone like that! I was so ashamed of myself. I literally dated a bum without knowing it. I never knew who he was.

Also, apparently he never showed up again because he got banned from the library for trying to have sex with another girl from my school.

So that, is one of my most tragic high school relationships. I have one that happened a couple months after, but I’ll tell you guys another time.

Ciao, lovies. Be safe and be sure to follow/subscribe.

Happy Turkey Day everyone! Hopefully your day is going a hell of a lot better than mine. Gobble gobble.

Anyone ever catch feelings? Ever instantly regret them?

Well look no further… I am the Black Calypso, bearer of tragic relationships and everything in between.

This lovely morning I woke up to find out the guy I’d been talking to was actually ENGAGED!!!

Well not woke up, I was already up, but that sure as hell woke me up more.

His sister told me over the headset of his PS4 #PS44Life and asks: “Didn’t he tell you?”

inserts eyeroll” No I don’t think so.” At this point, I’m trying so hard to keep my voice from cracking and tears from running down my face.

Hell, we we’re supposed to go on a date to the animal shelter next weekend! The nerve of this demon.

And then he says “I could’ve sworn I told you…”

Let’s be real: we all know he didn’t mention it.

I couldn’t take talking to them anymore and told them I felt sick and went to bed. I just absolutely couldn’t believe it! I was the “other woman” the entire time!

I just want to pour hot grits on him. Y’all just don’t know.

I deleted all our messages and everything and just laid in bed, crying and praying, asking for forgiveness and asking when I’d meet the one.

Honestly, idk if I will ever find love or if I’m meant to. Just heartache after heartache…am I not worthy of love?

And honestly…if getting a ring and the poofy dress costs me being with someone like that, then fuck marriage!

Poor fiancée. I hope she finds someone that actually gives a rat’s ass about her.

Anyways, I’m gonna eat pizza and binge my best friend Netflix.

Ciao for now lovies! Tune in next time!