Journal #19: Begin Again
In 7 days, it's almost a month ever since my break up with my first boyfriend. While it still stings, I can confidently say that I can throw those years to the wind.
Your emotions are valid but your reaction shouldn't be based on it.
It was 9am and I got a call that early on a weekend. I wasn't really prepared to wake up that early as I was hoping to get more rest, but it was who on the other line that was important. You see, my ex has two female best friends and they're rational regarding what happened. Although they do believe in his innate good being, they also recognize his immaturity in what happened.
It began when I posted an information accusing he's cheating. Although there wasn't really unquestionable evidence that he did, there's convincing data that he did, so that was the time I decided to let go and let him be but with one caveat: I wanted to express my anger to what he did.
This is why his best friend called, to call me out on what I did. She mentioned that while my emotions are not at all surprising and in fact even valid, it was my actions that wasn't. She's strong in her belief he didn't cheat, I appreciated that about her, to defend her friend till the end and from what she tells she did confront him. Problem is, my ex doesn't believe in emotional cheating, and that's what I accuse him of. To ask someone who doesn't believe in gravity if he believes in it although he is affected by it will still say no regardless of the evidence of it happening.
We both had our mistakes, me and my ex, with me dealing the first blow. I don't know if I ruined our foundation but I made sure to pay for it in each day to come after that. Me calling him out on my public domain wasn't really the best way to enact revenge, no matter how much it hurts that he did it there are better ways to respond to such matters. “Be the better man” so they say.
I'm calling spade a spade this time: We had a threesome. It was his condition to come back to me, that rather than using another guy for his pleasure, he'd rather have me in it as well. He has his own kinks I respect that, but I felt like an accessory to his taste buds rather than the main course. It hurt to see him kissing a guy so well when he'd always resist it against me and say he doesn't like it.
So here's the interesting thing about it: A few weeks after the break up, they both block me out — the third person and my ex. Me and the third person had a good relationship, heck I was the one who found him, told my story and got his trust. What's weird is the timing and why he'd block me since he did just offer a few days after our breakup to go see each other for coffee and talk.
There are only three things that I can speculate at this point: * He pocket dialed his way to blocking me * My ex started to trash talked him on my account * They got together and wanted to make it a secret against me
One of the three being the only thing positive and not completely positive either. I speculate the second one more than the third. If it was the third, that would be far-fetched and hilarious.
Going out and making Connections
I'm going out more lately, it's more costly and scary but it's fun to meet people. All the new opinions, knowledge, experiences and ideas are such a breath of fresh air to me. I've went out with old friends, strangers and prospects. I've never done this before in my life and while laziness and introvertedness can get the best of me, I was able to fight it off.
I'm filling up my walls with these people and their smiles and the memories they give me will always be worth it.
On a side note: I'm also debating whether I should remove his face from my photo wall, it triggers bad emotions in me and yet, I still would like him to stay. He still did leave me with some good memories after all, while it doesn't overpower the bad, the photos are ones that are for the good.
I've been dating again, and I'm starting to be really attracted to this certain person I've met when we first broke up in January. We connected once more and got together, he was amazing.
He had such round cheeks, was empathic, funny and charming. He had a smile that showed his gums and eyes that turned into slits. The nerd and chubby feature are always a power combination to my preference.
I've heard his family story, I'm glad he was comfortable telling me about it, I've always thought that family life would always determine they way he would love and his outlook in his life. While he was not perfect, I've liked his temperament — the way he likes admiration and have always given in return. Definitely a huge bump from my ex in terms of reciprocating, he is a boyfriend 4.0 from the threshold he had to beat.