Calvin Diaries

Productivity and Reflections

In 7 days, it's almost a month ever since my break up with my first boyfriend. While it still stings, I can confidently say that I can throw those years to the wind.

Your emotions are valid but your reaction shouldn't be based on it.

It was 9am and I got a call that early on a weekend. I wasn't really prepared to wake up that early as I was hoping to get more rest, but it was who on the other line that was important. You see, my ex has two female best friends and they're rational regarding what happened. Although they do believe in his innate good being, they also recognize his immaturity in what happened.

It began when I posted an information accusing he's cheating. Although there wasn't really unquestionable evidence that he did, there's convincing data that he did, so that was the time I decided to let go and let him be but with one caveat: I wanted to express my anger to what he did.

This is why his best friend called, to call me out on what I did. She mentioned that while my emotions are not at all surprising and in fact even valid, it was my actions that wasn't. She's strong in her belief he didn't cheat, I appreciated that about her, to defend her friend till the end and from what she tells she did confront him. Problem is, my ex doesn't believe in emotional cheating, and that's what I accuse him of. To ask someone who doesn't believe in gravity if he believes in it although he is affected by it will still say no regardless of the evidence of it happening.

We both had our mistakes, me and my ex, with me dealing the first blow. I don't know if I ruined our foundation but I made sure to pay for it in each day to come after that. Me calling him out on my public domain wasn't really the best way to enact revenge, no matter how much it hurts that he did it there are better ways to respond to such matters. “Be the better man” so they say.

Blockedt

I'm calling spade a spade this time: We had a threesome. It was his condition to come back to me, that rather than using another guy for his pleasure, he'd rather have me in it as well. He has his own kinks I respect that, but I felt like an accessory to his taste buds rather than the main course. It hurt to see him kissing a guy so well when he'd always resist it against me and say he doesn't like it.

So here's the interesting thing about it: A few weeks after the break up, they both block me out — the third person and my ex. Me and the third person had a good relationship, heck I was the one who found him, told my story and got his trust. What's weird is the timing and why he'd block me since he did just offer a few days after our breakup to go see each other for coffee and talk.

There are only three things that I can speculate at this point: * He pocket dialed his way to blocking me * My ex started to trash talked him on my account * They got together and wanted to make it a secret against me

One of the three being the only thing positive and not completely positive either. I speculate the second one more than the third. If it was the third, that would be far-fetched and hilarious.

Going out and making Connections

I'm going out more lately, it's more costly and scary but it's fun to meet people. All the new opinions, knowledge, experiences and ideas are such a breath of fresh air to me. I've went out with old friends, strangers and prospects. I've never done this before in my life and while laziness and introvertedness can get the best of me, I was able to fight it off.

I'm filling up my walls with these people and their smiles and the memories they give me will always be worth it.

On a side note: I'm also debating whether I should remove his face from my photo wall, it triggers bad emotions in me and yet, I still would like him to stay. He still did leave me with some good memories after all, while it doesn't overpower the bad, the photos are ones that are for the good.

4.0

I've been dating again, and I'm starting to be really attracted to this certain person I've met when we first broke up in January. We connected once more and got together, he was amazing.

He had such round cheeks, was empathic, funny and charming. He had a smile that showed his gums and eyes that turned into slits. The nerd and chubby feature are always a power combination to my preference.

I've heard his family story, I'm glad he was comfortable telling me about it, I've always thought that family life would always determine they way he would love and his outlook in his life. While he was not perfect, I've liked his temperament — the way he likes admiration and have always given in return. Definitely a huge bump from my ex in terms of reciprocating, he is a boyfriend 4.0 from the threshold he had to beat.

So four days ago I opted to have a talk to straighten out our relationship. Basically the idea was to align where I'm lacking and where he is and to discuss where can we improve. I've always believed that was important, especially in a long term relationship where the fire is not naturally raging as it used to on the first months. When things get stable, the fire doesn't burn by itself, it takes the care of teamwork to keep the warmth pulsating and live on.

In two month's we could've been officially three years but it now ends.

I'm not exactly sure how to feel right now. It's like I gave him my heart to carve his castle on and it's now left alone. The halls we danced, the moments we kissed and all the smiles he made, it's fading. The colors aren't right but the feelings are still as strong as ever. I gave him a kingdom, my kingdom only to be left in ruins.

Suddenly, I had to rewrite my future before I break down. I still wanted to sleep over a hotel with him, eat buffet, fly to Australia and get him a watch. I had so many goals I wanted to achieve for him and with him. My future has him integrated strongly, I never considered him an option. He was my choice, the only choice I made and no other man could've taken it away from me other than him. Now, I don't see anything, a huge shade of the darkest black and all those ideas I've been excited about I dread to experience instead.

The idea of sleeping over in a hotel reminds me of him, the desire to swim in a pool is smitten with his wet look. How do you get over someone who you loved the most?

I wasn't happy with him everyday, there are times where he would do something so ignorant it pisses me off. But regardless of the circumstance, I know I loved him very much. I know I would still put his needs above my feelings when push comes to shove.

Dreams, Nightmares and Sleep Stories

I'm not one to remember my dreams, in my 3 years in the relationship there's only a handful which I was able to tell. My mind isn't something that either likes to remember or is that creative to work. Maybe, just maybe, it's because back then I was really looking forward for reality, that in the rarest of occasions, my life has something better than sleep, and it was him.

I got this two days ago, it was a moment I was hoping for, a comeback, a third chance. The world knows, if he said he would, I would drop everything to have him back in my arms:

He was lying down on his back on my bed and I was on him with arms stretched against the cushion at the side of his head, it was a warm moment. The sun was on his face and you can see the moist eyes and the gratitude in his stare. He whispered “I'm sorry” and I replied “It's okay, it's okay now, we're alright.” and I lay a kiss on his forehead. I relaxed my elbows and slowly descended my chest to his for a soft intimacy, and then I woke up.

You can't imagine how much I bawled my eyes in realizing it was just a dream after all. I wanted to live there, I didn't want it to end.

It was a hard hit of reality that it's over.

Last night's dream was in full contrast on the other hand, and he loved saying things about strangers that irked me. “He's cute”, “He almost gave me a free meal”, “He touched my ass” and he was fine and quite proud about it. I wasn't one to admit verbally but I'm pretty sure he had a clue, I hate that he liked sharing his love to strangers he liked and I knew why: because he liked the excitement of the hunt and he already conquered me. So here's the recalling of that nightmare:

He was craving something, and I'm always one to satisfy his wants when I have the luxury of savings. So when he asked for it, I went right away to get it. We were walking on a luxurious Asian street market on the way to where I think the shop was. In the middle of it all, while I was exchanging looking forward to where we were headed and to his face and how happy he was for his surprise. Abruptly, he stopped to look at somewhere very intently. I tried to look for his subject but I couldn't in the crowded scene. When he got back to his senses that he was with me, I asked “What were you staring at?” and he replied “Oh it's just a guy that I had sexual tensions with.” I felt a sharp sting in that dream, but we continued walking, with me much less enthusiasm and energy.

Approval, Self, Environment and Memories

I'm never to shy to say I'm stubborn: When I want something I fight for it till the very end regardless of who's against me, not even my family.

Today after pouring my heart, they revealed a secret that I never really took the time to let it sink in:

They never thought he was for me.

I guess having them meet him for a few times, it's not hard to discern something was amiss. We are a family of high self awareness, looking to improve and see our blind spots as much as possible. My frustration and sadness pointed to that, his lack of it and the necessity of it in the partnership. My siblings knew I needed better, and I'm starting to accept that fact.

He never trusted me to get things right in the moments he needed to trust me the most. I've always expected we'd have conflicts and problems, the greatest one being with ourselves. My commitment was to stay, I assume his was his comfort. He knew his absence devastates me even if it was just for a day, how much more if it was for life? This is the second time he's made this decision without a compelling reason. I'm a little doubting that maybe, just maybe, someone he's flirted on just took his interest above me. He loves the thrill more than stability after all.

I don't understand why he doesn't see, that his potential to change outweighs his current flaws by a huge margin. I was prepared to see him grow with all the hurt and pain he'd be causing to me knowing that in the end he'd be the best man there is, and we made it come true. I think that would be one of the greatest achievement we could've made. The most charming guy with a matching character to his partner's needs, to live with him would've been heaven and to die with him a fantasy.

Remorse, Reminisce and Resolution

I miss the way he'd say “Good morning” before me, “Lunch” on the afternoon and never fail to acknowledge that he's with me in this life with those little messages about his day about work, the things he watched or experienced with family, friends or his dog. I miss his smiles and giggles which I know I'd never get a chance to experience anymore, only to cherish the ones from the past.

His plump dry lips, long soft hands and the most mesmerizing eyes will all be none but a memory demoted to a figment of my imagination at this point forward.

Is his decision to break us up worth it? I don't know. I gave him a month to retract his choice as I still want him regardless. He is still my first love and the someone I will fight the world against as long as he still chooses me but as I live each day, I'm slowly distancing my heart as I know, I should be healing too just as he has left me, I too would need to leave him as well.

We can never control the heart of another, only ourselves.

I have always thought that Breakeven by The Script was a wonderful song but now I understand and can feel it, it's just as concise as it's wonderful.

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you, And what am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're OK I'm falling to pieces

There's two philosophies about my problem one is to let myself bask in the data ask friends and make the conclusions based on empirical evidences or to confront the person directly and deal with emotions, perspective and excuses.

There are pros and cons to each method in which I prefer less emotions and more on actions done quite honestly. I'm already tired against the results and I think it should really speak for itself. Unfortunately, ethically, I know it's not the complete picture and that easy to make a valid and agreeable end.

I want this to, if ever, to end right between the two of us. I'm not here to make enemies after all that I have invested with him- time, effort, money, emotions and memories. Alternatively, and my preferred result: is to change, improve, adapt and compromise and still be together. I strongly believe he's a wonderful guy, someone with his own charm and strengths. It's just that our chemistry is horrible. I know who I want to go home to: A man who cares about me and my day, someone who never fails to encourage, acknowledge and affirm my efforts.

He doesn't fit that mold and those are my non-negotiable traits for my partner. I dont want to be with someone just for the sake of not dying alone. Im not looking for just a friend, I want a partner. Someone I can count on to empathize, understand and encourage me as I with him. I know for me to admire my love is natural, to glorify their strengths brings me joy and to sense their emotion for me is my responsibility.

I need someone to do the same, I cant always be strong alone.

Last night, against our usual way of ending which are phrases of: “good night” and “love you”, he missed the more important one, the second or the latter which is my more favored phrase above all when coming from him.

The thing is, this is a ritual or what should've been a standard already every night between us. I'm 100% sure he wasnt exhausted from work to forget such matters I hold dear, he was even able to see his favorite series. Which leads me to my main point of this journal:

Does he really love me?

I'm not an expert on relationships since this is my first but I do know its not hard to take note on matters that are important to your loved one. I have never lacked emphasizing that my love language is words affirmation and that it really helps me to be appreciated, but this guy THIS GUY absolutely does nothing to help me stay. It seems as if I was something he deserves or a hired butler to fulfill matters when he wants it, and forget about me when it's comfortable. All he seem to care and be aware about is his fulfillment and himself alone. “I wasn't raised that way” is not a valid excuse to be lazy about what's necessary.

I dont think I've lacked in tying to work on all love languages. * I drive for him as acts of service * I give him photos with letters at the back for gifts and words * I myself love physical touch * And I have always given him time especially when he needs it, aside from my Saturdays being reserved for him

Am I proud of my efforts I put in loving him? Very. Do I think that I have lacked? Well, I can only multiply what has been given to me. Give me a stone and I can only crack it, give me a grain of wheat and I will give him fields to harvest.

And now the biggest question lingers: When is enough “enough”? And when is it valid to give up?

Take 2

Ok, so admittedly I've failed to follow this ritual but I'm not giving up in the midst of failure. I'm sure we've all had our downfalls but it's never about going down but IF we're going to get up, not how, not when, but if we are going to.

Partner's Officemates

Apparently my boyfriend has someone in his office that's getting touchy of him. Arms and what might be to the butt. Now I'm all for glorifying him, but to touch him is a pretty much no-no for me. I'm not sure whether to be happy that he's happy about it or pissed that he's enjoying being touched by others. Either way, I don't want to make it a big deal since I can't control it. The only thing I can do is to remind him that it's the compounding small actions that creates big mistakes.

8ams

So far, it's twice today that I was able to wake up early. It's always great to wake up in a time before work as it creates such a buffer for me to be able to focus on myself and love myself more. The only thing is that it all feels hazy and dreamlike, not that I hate it but I don't like it either. Usually, I take a nap at the afternoon to nullify it when things get tough. I'd love to keep this up even on weekends.

Boardgame Nights

I just started a boardgame night at the office yesterday, they used to have sports night and for some that aren't that active, I thought “Hey, why not have an alternative bonding experience?” So the thought began. We played my favorite game “Unstable Unicorns.” Un/fortunately, we laster almost three hours trying to finish it. It was fun to see the team having so much camaraderie and healthy conflict with each other, I wish this could translate more into work

Cars, Options and Repairs

I'm a man that like my properties uncommon, and I'm currently weighing some options of buying my dad's car. There's word that he's about to sell it to someone with cheap and very generous options and I might intervene just to purchase that idea.

Some people are advising me it's a good deal, I'm not good with cars. But our family friend and mechanic is totally vouching for the idea. I just might do it, but from a sedan to an SUV sounds like a big bump that's not an easy move. I'll have to adjust to the parking and height.

Cold Brewing

Oh, I'm also doing cold brew coffee now. I just a package from a kickstarter project I backed last 2017 exactly for this purpose. Strangely, Starbucks also has a new product for cold brew that places ground coffee beans in a tea bag. It was a wonderful experience, I've always loved their cold brew drink so it was nice to have it at home.

Meanwhile the Kickstarter cold brew pitcher is being tested out today, I started out last night, so the best time for the brew will be tomorrow morning. Hopefully it turns out to be my staple! I'm still using Starbucks beans for this brew!

Instagramming

I've also decided that I should be more active in Instagram than just having a pretty account. So, yeah. Less influencer, more posting. I realized in the end I got to that level anyway by not advertising just my face but my life, I got lost there but now I'm hoping to be back on track.

Here's to a better future everyone! 🥂

Hey guys, it's been awhile since my last journal. I guess this have gotten out of hand and I forgot to treasure this habit of writing to get things off my chest.

You know, it's amazing how sacrificing a few minutes gives you so much productivity because your get your cup empty to start the day. I missed this, I miss putting all my problems and emotions into letters and spaces then letting them go, it helps. Please don't downplay the things you write here, let them loose, leave them to the wind, let us read all your hurts and worries and let the universe solve them for you.

So yeah, I'm getting back to this once more and recycling my ritual of journal, meditation and standard wake up time because it helps to have a system for life and a discipline for progress.

I've always known that I've strayed far, it's just that it's harder to accept that you need it when you can live without it. When I remember all the good days I had because of letting you read what I wrote, it's different though, in the aspect of optimization, it's the smaller things that are hardest to improve and the biggest challenges to solve. I know I'd probably backslide once more, but for today, I move forward.

For those that maybe curious how my relationship is going, it's pretty ok. I can't say it's ground breaking, or we're better than ever but we're definitely surviving this phase. Ironically I think it's the Japan trips I've paid for that binds us since he really wanted to go there. As for me? If he breaks, I can break. I know it will hurt but I can confidently say I'm not as attached and know I can set myself out there once again.

Business hasn't been the best, we've got damage financially from the recent probing we had by an organization but so far based from my inquires we'd still live to serve another day.

Things are pilling up for me, there's work that I need to finish that's weeks delayed, I need to step up my game and that's why I'm writing this to you. Help me recover my sense of control in my life, because it feels like I'm losing my grasp.

There's only two things I consistently ask in a relationship: Respect and Affection.

We agreed to go to some place far from our usual locations to meet with his friends. Quite frankly, I'm driving because of various reasons other than I love spending time with him, few of which are:

  • He's in a financial condition where it's practical to save every penny
  • He has a severe headache
  • He likes being a passenger

He does have a car, and can drive. He's the one actually that drove on our first date. Thing is, I'm doing so recently because it would've helped him solve 2 things, save money for him regarding gas and transpiration, be able to relax.

There's always a good and a bad way to execute something. If you don't like someone's driving, you could either really make him feel like shit or tell them they can do better, same with trying to communicate a thought, you can either say get better at understanding, or you're dumb as shit.

When you respect someone there's a high chance you're not going to choose the latter option, you would always seek to improve them, be constructive and provide encouraging feedback. I know I have my shortcomings, that's given, there's always two to tango unless the other one just has mental health or issues but I do know there's most if not all of the time always a better way to deliver an idea.

If you're going to make me feel like shit while doing you a favor, well guess what? It's not going to end well for the both of us. I'm not going to the extent of making you go down in the middle of the highway, but don't expect me to be kind in return. If you're going to talk shit, well expect to be treated like shit. I was nice to you, asking you to rest because of your headache, but you rather chose to tinker with your phone, complain, tell stories while having major impatience.

I could've opted not to reply knowing your status but that would be very disrespectful of me not to honor your effort, but if you're going to be very illiterate with your message and blame the misunderstanding from me, well, that's just plain rude.

Of all the things that my sudden shift in mood from being your boyfriend to just a really pissed Uber driver, I really hope you noticed your failure as my partner in trying to be more aware that it's not a necessity for me to attend to your friends with you. I drive out of the knowledge knowing you'd be happy in spending time with them, but it seems like you forgot who's driving you, you became too ignorant to notice: I am not your family, I am not used to your ability to be an ass and not care. That is not a relationship, if you just want everything to be only about your good, don't ask to be in my future, I don't need that kind of people in my life, I can make do without them.

I hope you think it through, that in the end, I will be the one that's going to surely make an effort for you, go lengths to make sure you are well. Yes, you had more experiences with your friends in history, but they will have other priorities as we grow older, you on the other hand will always be on top of mine. I have dropped everything to be with you and still will when you need me.

We are in a state of you losing me, someone who happily drives for you, someone who brings you snack to make you feel better, someone who's happy with your presence, your being. Someone who cherishes your looks, your voice and your laughter, someone who gains happiness by seeing you eat and making sure you get a good experience when you're on your low. But most of all, someone who considers you as his future. You're sacrificing all of this, not because you're not returning the favor, but you're treating me as if you deserve all of this, as if it was supposed to be given to you by the world and I'm just a messenger to deliver your dues. I don't love you because of my need, I love you because I've decided to.

You're losing the man who's building up for our dreams only to covet your selfish pleasure of “feeling good”

I'm tired, extremely tired. I mentioned that if there's anytime I need for you to care, it's now. I've told you I'm at a point of giving up and still you continue to forget what I am in your life, I'm not a tool.

Ah, there's so many things to write about I don't know where to start. I just might write about it reverse Chronologically from what happened recently to what happened before it. Here goes:

Lawsuits and Employees

The company I work for is a startup without funders. We had to run things based on what we can, and based on trust and the best of our abilities. We give people the benefit of the doubt that if we do good by them, they'd return the favor. Unfortunately, millenials aren't as appreciative of grace as it seems.

We've got an investigation on going and it's a hassle. We have to compile documents and data. The irony of this is that the one who left and caused all this problem is the one handling all the papers. I guess she knew where to hit us since she had it on her hands.

I really hope it ends well as we process all things as honest as possible.

Career Increased

I've reprised my role as a chief in the company after being in limbo for so long. I'm now determined to really my position and have a standard for what I should be performing everyday, I don't see myself going anywhere anymore.

With this, I've asked an increase in salary, and thankfully there was an agreement. The agreement wasn't exactly what I wanted primarily, but the compromise was agreeable.

Difference of 0 to 1 and 1 to 2

Last Monday, he was quite pissed about life, personal and work matters were eating him up and I can feel the surrender in his words. So I've resolved to treat him to his favorite restaurant to cheer him up. I was excited to move his mood from terrible to okay, but unfortunately even before dinner he was already in a better mood. Finishing his work and spending time with his office crush made his office hours end well.

I was quite disappointed I wasn't his 0 to 1. I treated him to a pricey dinner to be his 1 to 2. It wasn't bad, but I guess it's just not what I had in mind for that price. Nonetheless I don't regret it, I'm just sad that the opportunity didn't work.

First Time for a Mess

Last weekend's date was the first time we experienced a surprise. After being in a relationship for so long, somethings really do happen when you're already far from the honeymoon phase. While it was a mess, it was worth the memory and laughs.

I wouldn't mind it happening again but I'm not hoping, but I love the way both of us weren't embarrassed about how we are. I'm glad we've reached this level already.

Just recently he told about his dream about him being touched inappropriately and he wasn't for it because he wasn't in the “mood”

There was an implication there that I couldn't stand: The idea that it would be ok for him when he's in the mood. I'm pretty sure he's not the guy for thrills, public display of affection or sexual advances especially from me but the idea that he's ok for it when it comes to strangers stabs right through.

I believe in a relationship, he has authority over my body and I over his. Not on a possessive level that if I want sex I get to have it but like a gift to be treasured, it's something I don't want just any people to get a hold of just like that. I'd like to think I have the same desires anyone would have out of a committed relationship, but fact is, I entered this relationship knowing that my body is for one and one alone. I don't get how he doesn't see that. The difference of perspective and culture is perplexing to me still.

I'm still in a little shock that I'm in a relationship with this kind of man, it's borderline open relationship which I do not aspire at all. This is not a level of romance or love that I want to stay in.

Lunstra

Is anyone here playing Monster Hunter World? The new monster looks gorgeous, as well as her particles for her flames. Good job to Capcom! I plan to collect her weapons, atleast the ones I use but the gem is such a rare drop unfortunately.

I'm not exactly sure what's happening, but I'm more stable, peaceful and accepting of what's about to happen.

Most of the thing that can happen sucks: I can stick around unwanting or I can move away and be hurting. I can work well without progress or work hard for something I'm having immeasurably hard time to do. Basically, I think this is a point where I think my life is in a stalemate.

All I know is I want to be somewhere unfamiliar and some uncharted territory of my life. This one is too familiar and I'm starting not to appreciate what it is anymore. I need danger, risk and the feeling of need of achievement.

Working hard is ok for me, but absolutely no progression is starting to have a weight on my shoulder. My life is not meant for this, I can do so much more.

In other news that's good, I was able to hit most of my goals other than abstinence today, I hope to keep this on a roll.