Calvin Diaries

Productivity and Reflections

Take 2

Ok, so admittedly I've failed to follow this ritual but I'm not giving up in the midst of failure. I'm sure we've all had our downfalls but it's never about going down but IF we're going to get up, not how, not when, but if we are going to.

Partner's Officemates

Apparently my boyfriend has someone in his office that's getting touchy of him. Arms and what might be to the butt. Now I'm all for glorifying him, but to touch him is a pretty much no-no for me. I'm not sure whether to be happy that he's happy about it or pissed that he's enjoying being touched by others. Either way, I don't want to make it a big deal since I can't control it. The only thing I can do is to remind him that it's the compounding small actions that creates big mistakes.

8ams

So far, it's twice today that I was able to wake up early. It's always great to wake up in a time before work as it creates such a buffer for me to be able to focus on myself and love myself more. The only thing is that it all feels hazy and dreamlike, not that I hate it but I don't like it either. Usually, I take a nap at the afternoon to nullify it when things get tough. I'd love to keep this up even on weekends.

Boardgame Nights

I just started a boardgame night at the office yesterday, they used to have sports night and for some that aren't that active, I thought “Hey, why not have an alternative bonding experience?” So the thought began. We played my favorite game “Unstable Unicorns.” Un/fortunately, we laster almost three hours trying to finish it. It was fun to see the team having so much camaraderie and healthy conflict with each other, I wish this could translate more into work

Cars, Options and Repairs

I'm a man that like my properties uncommon, and I'm currently weighing some options of buying my dad's car. There's word that he's about to sell it to someone with cheap and very generous options and I might intervene just to purchase that idea.

Some people are advising me it's a good deal, I'm not good with cars. But our family friend and mechanic is totally vouching for the idea. I just might do it, but from a sedan to an SUV sounds like a big bump that's not an easy move. I'll have to adjust to the parking and height.

Cold Brewing

Oh, I'm also doing cold brew coffee now. I just a package from a kickstarter project I backed last 2017 exactly for this purpose. Strangely, Starbucks also has a new product for cold brew that places ground coffee beans in a tea bag. It was a wonderful experience, I've always loved their cold brew drink so it was nice to have it at home.

Meanwhile the Kickstarter cold brew pitcher is being tested out today, I started out last night, so the best time for the brew will be tomorrow morning. Hopefully it turns out to be my staple! I'm still using Starbucks beans for this brew!

Instagramming

I've also decided that I should be more active in Instagram than just having a pretty account. So, yeah. Less influencer, more posting. I realized in the end I got to that level anyway by not advertising just my face but my life, I got lost there but now I'm hoping to be back on track.

Here's to a better future everyone! 🥂

Hey guys, it's been awhile since my last journal. I guess this have gotten out of hand and I forgot to treasure this habit of writing to get things off my chest.

You know, it's amazing how sacrificing a few minutes gives you so much productivity because your get your cup empty to start the day. I missed this, I miss putting all my problems and emotions into letters and spaces then letting them go, it helps. Please don't downplay the things you write here, let them loose, leave them to the wind, let us read all your hurts and worries and let the universe solve them for you.

So yeah, I'm getting back to this once more and recycling my ritual of journal, meditation and standard wake up time because it helps to have a system for life and a discipline for progress.

I've always known that I've strayed far, it's just that it's harder to accept that you need it when you can live without it. When I remember all the good days I had because of letting you read what I wrote, it's different though, in the aspect of optimization, it's the smaller things that are hardest to improve and the biggest challenges to solve. I know I'd probably backslide once more, but for today, I move forward.

For those that maybe curious how my relationship is going, it's pretty ok. I can't say it's ground breaking, or we're better than ever but we're definitely surviving this phase. Ironically I think it's the Japan trips I've paid for that binds us since he really wanted to go there. As for me? If he breaks, I can break. I know it will hurt but I can confidently say I'm not as attached and know I can set myself out there once again.

Business hasn't been the best, we've got damage financially from the recent probing we had by an organization but so far based from my inquires we'd still live to serve another day.

Things are pilling up for me, there's work that I need to finish that's weeks delayed, I need to step up my game and that's why I'm writing this to you. Help me recover my sense of control in my life, because it feels like I'm losing my grasp.

There's only two things I consistently ask in a relationship: Respect and Affection.

We agreed to go to some place far from our usual locations to meet with his friends. Quite frankly, I'm driving because of various reasons other than I love spending time with him, few of which are:

  • He's in a financial condition where it's practical to save every penny
  • He has a severe headache
  • He likes being a passenger

He does have a car, and can drive. He's the one actually that drove on our first date. Thing is, I'm doing so recently because it would've helped him solve 2 things, save money for him regarding gas and transpiration, be able to relax.

There's always a good and a bad way to execute something. If you don't like someone's driving, you could either really make him feel like shit or tell them they can do better, same with trying to communicate a thought, you can either say get better at understanding, or you're dumb as shit.

When you respect someone there's a high chance you're not going to choose the latter option, you would always seek to improve them, be constructive and provide encouraging feedback. I know I have my shortcomings, that's given, there's always two to tango unless the other one just has mental health or issues but I do know there's most if not all of the time always a better way to deliver an idea.

If you're going to make me feel like shit while doing you a favor, well guess what? It's not going to end well for the both of us. I'm not going to the extent of making you go down in the middle of the highway, but don't expect me to be kind in return. If you're going to talk shit, well expect to be treated like shit. I was nice to you, asking you to rest because of your headache, but you rather chose to tinker with your phone, complain, tell stories while having major impatience.

I could've opted not to reply knowing your status but that would be very disrespectful of me not to honor your effort, but if you're going to be very illiterate with your message and blame the misunderstanding from me, well, that's just plain rude.

Of all the things that my sudden shift in mood from being your boyfriend to just a really pissed Uber driver, I really hope you noticed your failure as my partner in trying to be more aware that it's not a necessity for me to attend to your friends with you. I drive out of the knowledge knowing you'd be happy in spending time with them, but it seems like you forgot who's driving you, you became too ignorant to notice: I am not your family, I am not used to your ability to be an ass and not care. That is not a relationship, if you just want everything to be only about your good, don't ask to be in my future, I don't need that kind of people in my life, I can make do without them.

I hope you think it through, that in the end, I will be the one that's going to surely make an effort for you, go lengths to make sure you are well. Yes, you had more experiences with your friends in history, but they will have other priorities as we grow older, you on the other hand will always be on top of mine. I have dropped everything to be with you and still will when you need me.

We are in a state of you losing me, someone who happily drives for you, someone who brings you snack to make you feel better, someone who's happy with your presence, your being. Someone who cherishes your looks, your voice and your laughter, someone who gains happiness by seeing you eat and making sure you get a good experience when you're on your low. But most of all, someone who considers you as his future. You're sacrificing all of this, not because you're not returning the favor, but you're treating me as if you deserve all of this, as if it was supposed to be given to you by the world and I'm just a messenger to deliver your dues. I don't love you because of my need, I love you because I've decided to.

You're losing the man who's building up for our dreams only to covet your selfish pleasure of “feeling good”

I'm tired, extremely tired. I mentioned that if there's anytime I need for you to care, it's now. I've told you I'm at a point of giving up and still you continue to forget what I am in your life, I'm not a tool.

Ah, there's so many things to write about I don't know where to start. I just might write about it reverse Chronologically from what happened recently to what happened before it. Here goes:

Lawsuits and Employees

The company I work for is a startup without funders. We had to run things based on what we can, and based on trust and the best of our abilities. We give people the benefit of the doubt that if we do good by them, they'd return the favor. Unfortunately, millenials aren't as appreciative of grace as it seems.

We've got an investigation on going and it's a hassle. We have to compile documents and data. The irony of this is that the one who left and caused all this problem is the one handling all the papers. I guess she knew where to hit us since she had it on her hands.

I really hope it ends well as we process all things as honest as possible.

Career Increased

I've reprised my role as a chief in the company after being in limbo for so long. I'm now determined to really my position and have a standard for what I should be performing everyday, I don't see myself going anywhere anymore.

With this, I've asked an increase in salary, and thankfully there was an agreement. The agreement wasn't exactly what I wanted primarily, but the compromise was agreeable.

Difference of 0 to 1 and 1 to 2

Last Monday, he was quite pissed about life, personal and work matters were eating him up and I can feel the surrender in his words. So I've resolved to treat him to his favorite restaurant to cheer him up. I was excited to move his mood from terrible to okay, but unfortunately even before dinner he was already in a better mood. Finishing his work and spending time with his office crush made his office hours end well.

I was quite disappointed I wasn't his 0 to 1. I treated him to a pricey dinner to be his 1 to 2. It wasn't bad, but I guess it's just not what I had in mind for that price. Nonetheless I don't regret it, I'm just sad that the opportunity didn't work.

First Time for a Mess

Last weekend's date was the first time we experienced a surprise. After being in a relationship for so long, somethings really do happen when you're already far from the honeymoon phase. While it was a mess, it was worth the memory and laughs.

I wouldn't mind it happening again but I'm not hoping, but I love the way both of us weren't embarrassed about how we are. I'm glad we've reached this level already.

Just recently he told about his dream about him being touched inappropriately and he wasn't for it because he wasn't in the “mood”

There was an implication there that I couldn't stand: The idea that it would be ok for him when he's in the mood. I'm pretty sure he's not the guy for thrills, public display of affection or sexual advances especially from me but the idea that he's ok for it when it comes to strangers stabs right through.

I believe in a relationship, he has authority over my body and I over his. Not on a possessive level that if I want sex I get to have it but like a gift to be treasured, it's something I don't want just any people to get a hold of just like that. I'd like to think I have the same desires anyone would have out of a committed relationship, but fact is, I entered this relationship knowing that my body is for one and one alone. I don't get how he doesn't see that. The difference of perspective and culture is perplexing to me still.

I'm still in a little shock that I'm in a relationship with this kind of man, it's borderline open relationship which I do not aspire at all. This is not a level of romance or love that I want to stay in.

Lunstra

Is anyone here playing Monster Hunter World? The new monster looks gorgeous, as well as her particles for her flames. Good job to Capcom! I plan to collect her weapons, atleast the ones I use but the gem is such a rare drop unfortunately.

I'm not exactly sure what's happening, but I'm more stable, peaceful and accepting of what's about to happen.

Most of the thing that can happen sucks: I can stick around unwanting or I can move away and be hurting. I can work well without progress or work hard for something I'm having immeasurably hard time to do. Basically, I think this is a point where I think my life is in a stalemate.

All I know is I want to be somewhere unfamiliar and some uncharted territory of my life. This one is too familiar and I'm starting not to appreciate what it is anymore. I need danger, risk and the feeling of need of achievement.

Working hard is ok for me, but absolutely no progression is starting to have a weight on my shoulder. My life is not meant for this, I can do so much more.

In other news that's good, I was able to hit most of my goals other than abstinence today, I hope to keep this on a roll.

It's not that easy to define if I was happy because of him, or because of another reason. Does it matter? I wonder.

We're both happy with what happened, having someone in between us in making connections and pleasures but the thing is, it doesn't sound sustainable. From how it looks, it would seem like it will become reliant more than a one time thing.

It's fun I'm going to admit, it was a wonderful ride, but I'm just not in it to be for it as a need rather than just a plain want. I was really hoping this is an only occurrence never to repeat itself, but from his words, he sounds like he wants another.

I don't think I can stomach another for our “healing”, that sounds bull. This is what might be the defining factor to determine if this relationship is still going to work after all.

The past week has been a roller coaster. Good and bad, happening here and there and I'm getting tired of internal turmoil and external stress pressing me flat to the core.

The Clock strikes Three

The biggest internal struggle of all is the idea that I want to give up on my relationship. I'm a man that believes strongly that love is a commitment, I don't care if things get shitty, if things turned sour, if you're for me, I will be for you regardless of how I feel. I think I was strong about that, that I wouldn't give up but not until I felt like giving up that I realized, it's not as easy as just going all brains and no heart or balls.

Stocks and Hype

I just attended a Financial seminar discussing stocks and it really helps to know some tips from those that succeeded. Although I know I'd make mistakes, it feels better to be more educated. I'm hyped up to invest more!

Hopefully the landscape of my country in terms of investment gets better. Our President is ruining our promising economy sadly.

Deeper Introspection

Yeah as ironic as this sounds I believe in the authority of the Bible, and I'm attending an introspection seminar that will last for 4 months. This is about my status as a homosexual and to learn what triggered it from the beginning and if I can be cured.

I really do wonder what's gonna happen. Excited to learn more about me, but at the same time I'm scared of the possibility to lose my boyfriend.

But this is what I promised him if we broke up, so I'm pursuing it regardless.

Deadpool 2

Deadpool 2 was a pleasant surprise. We went to date on an unusual place today, beyond our safety walls to a more interesting one. He was craving for a brand of wings afar, I was ok to spoil him, so we scheduled an adventure and followed it.

I'm not a movie buff or someone that likes to sit watching the screen, but having an impromptu moment in watching a movie I wasn't hyped for was great. The movie's crass humor was perfect to tickle my funny bone to a disgusting laugh.

As someone that's rarely excited for a movie, watch it if you're for dirty and witty humor.

The first game of Unstable Unicorns

I was so glad the sibling night loved the game. I was scared I just fell in love with it because of the art but it turns out, it really is a great game. What's better than that is my sister-in-law was giggling over the art as much as I am! So it was a perfect buy even for the limited edition version which I was hesitating for.

Spiced Relationship

Yesterday we went on an adventure not many relationships go to and it was spicy af. Could've used a little more intensity but let's just say phsyical means won't be able to handle it.

It wasn't exactly the most well planned of all events as it was an impromptu invitation but I definitely don't regret accepting the offer.

As a couple, what we were expecting at most was a lot of awkward moments with a lot of mistakes ending in just good laughter but surprisingly, the flow was smooth, tiring but it felt great! The chemistry worked so well that it didn't felt like it was our first time.

Overall, as much as I wasn't for it months ago, I would definitely go for it again if asked.

Ok, it begins with this. A really good looking someone suddenly contacted me out of the blue while pinging me on social media.

It was a call, out of the unknown, the voice was timid and shy. I didn't know who it was even when he said his name; as my app wasn't updating real time I guess.

We texted a little and he was asking for a collaboration between me and him, something out of the bounds of just friends, it was shocking and exciting at first only to end the conversation very abruptly.

Come late afternoon, no replies whatsoever.

I was weirded out and tried to contact via social media as a recourse, turns out in his online account “it wasn't him.” It was weird considering the fact that he contacted me with a name before he added me in social media.

Come a few days after talking, we got to converse about his looks and about the “fraud” who was trying to get him to collaborate with me. He denied the being the texter, I just shrugged it off and took it as a inquisitive challenge.

In the end he said yes, not confessing though, but he opted for it in a surprising manner.

And now we're just conversing continuously and it's exhilarating to meet someone new that looks so good.

The Male Physique

I've missed taking photos of my body with nothing on. I know it sounds vain, and maybe it is. But I've loved the male body in general, the strength it brings while the curvature portraying so much life and sensuality.

I would really love to take photos of another person instead to test out this mettle and to expand my portfolio. If only I could get models to do so without any hint of kink.

Absentee Admins

Currently our admin employees are going haywire and leaving out. It's a shame, loss and a prick to leave without proper transition — they're going out without due process and guess who's having problems? Us, people that need her for operations. What's horrible is that it was her own fault and her lack of transparency with her words. Ugh, now I'm doing her job for the mean time.

You know, I had an amazing start: All the motivation and ability to wake up, discipline and keep up with my proposed improvements but as time passed, my conviction to stick to it diminishes. I don't remember if I wrote my why on my first diary, but I guess I'll write it now again:

Waking up Early

While it does feel horrible to wake up late, it's amazing to do so because of all the self-help you can do. Journal, meditation and reading, the remaining time before work or stressful activities is amazing because of the moment it can provide you for a momentum of productivity.

Read a Book

Though I'm into Audiobooks, there are some books that don't have it's audio counterpart. That aside from the fact that I'm reading a local book that I don't believe will have an Audible record any time soon.

My brother also tells me that by reading it with your mouth as well, you improve your ability to be fluent in speech which helps with my next endeavor of being a public speaker.

Reading the Bible

Yeah, it's controversial. My lifestyle doesn't exactly glorify the religion but I still do believe in all it's core messages. Coming from a history of atheism and agnosticism, I have no doubt that it is THE book of life, and I will continue reading it and believing in it's philosophies till the day I die.

Meditation

I've come to believe the ability of being mindful helps a lot. Both in the aspect of mental health, capacity and ability to think right. It's 15 minutes of your life that will affect the rest of the day, on the few times I'm able to, I accomplish a lot. So, while sometimes I degrade it's importance on a fast paced world, the act of doing nothing for extended minutes clears my engine to perform optimally.

Abstinence

The thing about habitual masturbation is two things: * It loses it's pleasure overtime and becomes a need more than a want * You become more selfish into thinking you're more important than others I want to be free of these two shackles, both don't feel well overtime and heck it affects my relationship with others. The goal is to be self-less overtime and to be more disciplined about my life. Life shouldn't be about what my body wants for myself but unlocking my capacity and using it for others.

Besides, it is one of the greatest pat on the back regarding self-discipline.

Prayer on Mornings and Evenings

You know, regardless of your faith saying your wishes and goals helps you achieve it. More so, is when you believe they will be answered by someone who seeks out the best for you.

The thing about the God of the Bible is that even though he knows what you want and need, he likes to hear it as well. I never understood this at first as a kid, but now that I'm in a relationship, I get it. It takes a different kind of active effort to say what you think they know and make them know about it rather than just hope they would get a clue. It takes a different amount of trust to lift it up than to just hope and excuse it's because you didn't ask for it.

Communication is two way, to read the Bible is to inherit the message, to pray is to send a message. I've always just inherited the message without having any idea what it's for. I'm really hoping this can change that.

Podcast Reimagined

I honestly still haven't decided if it will be humor or of serious topic but I believe in podcast as a way to inherit knowledge. It's one of my go-to and what works for me. Problem is I don't have the edge to work on it.

But I still plan to pursue it, regardless of success or numbers. I will work on it and achieve it this year.

——– Reminder Ends Here ——-

Love and Adventure:

I'm going to a financial seminar this Saturday and I was hoping to meet a friend over at the city where the event is taking place for a “unique experience”, I'm not usually for it but I was stoked about it. Unfortunately it wouldn't push through since he's leaving the country by then.

It strangely occurred to me that this time, I wanted it. I usually won't but this time I had that adrenaline over it. I'm not taking this as a good sign of where I am standing as this isn't a compliment to my status or character in a respect that I prefer.

Yesterday I gave my bf a snack since I was near his office, lent him some of my care products and yet, I didn't get a kiss to end the night. I know I shouldn't expect but it was really sad for me considering it wasn't a usual day. I would consider it excused if it was just any other schedule but on those days I've made an effort, I really hope he would appreciate it with a kiss out of the abundance of his heart, to return the very least.

That moment pierced me a little, and the worst thing is, I'm sure he wouldn't realize it.

It's not the most obvious slope, but I'm sensing a gradient downhill moving forward.