Journal #2: Being Hurt and Doing Good


When I was asked by my little sister to fetch her to go to our family dinner, we were talking about how my mother favored me as if it was a curse, and yet I claimed it was a blessing because of her favor both in material and emotional aspect. She was quick to rebut to tell me that she's gained more from our mom than I did, with one instance inheriting a huge sum of money without earning it. I argued that although that is a huge sum, the incremental value she has given me over the years had more weight.

Somehow I didn't believe that last statement, it was more of justification for my competitive personality. In the end, I somewhat believed that she was right, she had gained more benefits than me. Although that is to say, she became an object of her wrath as well so it might seemed balanced.

I guess what I'm just saying is that, I kind of wanted a little bit more — just like all of us do, always.

I'm thankful that in the end of that discussion, I was able to inhibit myself from saying offensive to preserve the travel. I sure wish my sister was more respectful and grateful though.

Mesmerized by Physical Beauty

I am very shameless that I feel like my partner has the face I have dreamed to love every since I was 14 years old, he's a dream come true and an imagination come to life. I know for a fact, that no matter how much others have better perks such as character, affection and admiration for me, his face, his smile and bubble just brings me so much joy which is hard to bargain against. I'm just that crazy for him. I just really hope that he can be more empathic with my feelings rather than just naturally considering himself wants above my concerns in our exchanges and dates.

Hard Truths vs Sweet Lies

Maybe it's because I'm very much in love with him, or maybe it's just my conviction of how I plan this relationship to be but it's shaking to realize the person you want to marry doesn't see the same thing about you as well: That I still feel like any other guy in this world full of options.

Slowly I'm begging to realize, even if I see him as the one but he doesn't see me as, is he still the one? Sometimes, as much as his honesty is one of the best trait he possess, I'd like to hear sweet half truths from his lip or better if he can phrase it better that I can feel that he loves me better than anyone that can satisfy him beyond physical means. In all my effort to make him know he's special to me, I don't know if he made that much effort to me that I know I'm way beyond an option, that I'm a choice and a choice he will stay with, that he had made peace with. Maybe, I'm just asking too much, maybe this is what it feels like to be in a long relationships, little acts can be missed as “it should be” rather than “I'm glad you did”

Wireless Mobile Development

Ever since, I have been developing android via my laptop due to the limitations of an AMD processor. Yesternight, I had the eureka moment of “Is it possible to use my phone wirelessly as a test unit?” and after a day of research, I was able to. It was a long and confusing research, but the result was worth it. I'm now able to develop using much larger desktop screen to both develop and watch tutorials.

This should speed my progress a lot, I'm extremely happy about this revelation.

Later Mother's day Gift

I'm proud to say, though late. I was able to get my mother a gift. I doubt anyone did otherwise sad to say but I think the most important of all aspects is for her to know that someone thinks about her, someone remembers her, and her worth.

It was a hard choice being a plus sized woman, although I saw a beautiful kimono overlay at Forever 21, I ended up buying a coveted cheese tart from a Japanese brand that had a high reputation in my circle. She's not into fashion after all but definitely has good appreciation for food.

Good Morning with 5 hours.

Today I had 6 hours of sleep, do I feel great rather than my usual 9 hours? Nah, but it's manageable. The goal is to have more time in the morning for myself, and for 2 days straight, I'm accomplishing it. I'm starting to understand that feeling is not fact, and it doesn't make you go anywhere. What makes you move from point a to b is a decision and the effort to fulfill it.

Goals for today: