The Cyber Vacuum

space transmutations

if someone could put down on paper or maybe caption their instagram posts with all the words you'd need to explain the feeling of losing yourself over and over while someone reaps the benefits of your pain well you'd color me surprised because it's been two years and they've been exactly the same and i surely can't imagine a world where my brain could think normally again because what is normal normal is lost average is gone i live in a hell not some metaphorical shell i live in an actual holding cell that keeps changing perpetually my entire being is being displaced how do you expect me to get a fucking job, mom? oh honey it's easy you just work at a place where if you can't keep the pace you'll just be replaced and then you have nothing to lose right right right right are you sure that's the right thing are you doing what's right never hey are you doing alright because no i am not haven't been since that very night that man i loved made me light the rest of my life on fire why'd i give him the right it's not like i tried i didn't know that someone could even want to take my life for their own without even making the most of the ashes and embers that i left behind i am no phoenix but i tried to come back and was greeted with about five thousand fucking smacks of hello go on and get up off your god damn ass and go work and all of your problems every single element of your life will become perfect if you JUST GO AND GET A JOB but not just anywhere somewhere nice because if you aint the C E O then you arent my child why work somewhere part time you're practically falling apart dying so just put every last crumb of yourself into some place into someone else's wildest dream and stop fretting about all these problems no they don't stem from politics they don't stem from your health or really lack thereof no they stem from all those crazy things you think you know about god and how the world works and all those friends of yours yeah they bad influenced you you used to be so smart yet you refuse to work so hard why do you think your life is falling apart it's all because you didn't get a job you're so good you're so great look at you you look sick not to be rude but you look the worst you've ever been i mean look there is skin hanging off of your bones don't you think now is the time we've been trying to help as a matter of fact i sent you six job listings yesterday don't you remember why don't you ever come see me why don't you act like you love me why do you have an attitude you need to grow up make your own phone calls but come live back at home and work down the road so you can walk there everyday why dont you want to come home live with us they say like it's healthy when she knows she's been abused too im sorry mom but i cant help you and i cant help me and this mess is far too big for any one person to fix money isnt the answer its the problem its the problem money is the problem money is not the answer do you hear me do you hear me money is not the answer to my problems money is thing that created this beast that feasts on my heart and it wasnt even me i didnt want that maybe i was a little needy but not ever greedy i mean i havent ever even had more than a few hundred dollars in my bank account humbly i was just trying to pay my rent but i couldnt even do that because the whole world got sick from loneliness so they decided to call it a crime to socialize and that made my paycheck smaller so when i couldnt afford that place anymore i moved on again and got treated like shit have no idea im jaded i beg that every person reading my words gets put in my shoes get the fuck in my head not long just a few moments and feel the pain fear my fears fight my fights for that fact then all i ask is that you come here and stand in front of me i beg you to look in my eyes and say to my face that you still think that i'm not better off being dead.

it's been over a year

last june to be exact

since i've sat with myself

and asked

how are you

how is she

how am i

where are you

do you think

we'll ever come back

get grounded

slow down


but i'm tired


then why

are you going

so fast

crocuses croak and i'm wishing with crystals to have a place all my own

fear sets in every now and again

i've moved more times just this year alone then a backpacker hulling through appalachia

fuck, you know, i'm sad

i love the way that i fall

twirling so dreamily in the slowest of motions

suspended in the atmosphere my mind hangs, afloat wispy clouds streaming gently like a river through my tresses

pure, pure bliss feeds a smile that spreads

i am weightless

the sun sets into embers and the moon fades back to clouds

i'll keep on watching that one the infinite merry-go-round

though sometimes it might drag on... and on... and on...

other days i lazy lay and fix my gaze upon em'

pitter-patter-pat her give her lots of love wrap her tight with all your might make sure she's nice and snug soothe her with your gentle voice and locks made out of gold cus when you surely need her most she's always there to hold.

the feeling that i so deeply long to explain is like trying to light an incense while lost and cold with no lighter in the rain

it's just time but really since i last wrote a lot has passed my empty mind hangs on a blank canvas

good morning

a thin veil of Mary flows throughout my room she dances and sways

the sun is shining i speak to the fire – so warm i bow and i pray

my body rejoices good smells and ointments i do, so love, today

(44 words – nice)