人在福中不知福。
这应该是形容我这种人吧。
我一向来都觉得自己是个很知足的人，可是有时候往往会把生活中的人与事当作理所当然的。以前这样，现在也一样。以为自己与别人不同，其实也是半斤八两。昨天我把以前的简讯都翻了出来，看了这几年和一些人的对话，才发现其实自己一直都把身边的人当作理所当然的。
多么希望老天能给我多一次机会回到以前，好好地珍惜身边的人，好好享受当年无忧无虑的日子，好好对待真心对我的人。
时光倒流是不可能的。或许我能从现在开始，真心地对待我身边的每一个人。那些一直默默守护我、关心我的朋友们，谢谢你们。我不是完美的，但从现在开始，我一定好好的守护那些对我好的、关心我的。
我一定对你们特别好。
特别的好。
I wandered through the streets, passing by the places we used to walk by, hoping to catch a glimpse of her shadow. It was a cold and chilly night, just like the day she...... I shook my head, not wanting to recall the day. The day where she left me, the day where she left us, the day where she left forever.
After a while, I found myself at a coffee shop nearby. The place was bustling with life, some drinking and laughing loudly while some ate quietly. Some stared at me as I walked into the area, others looked away, as though they were averse to my sight. I must have looked like a mess. How could I not?
I spotted an empty seat across this lady and walked over gingerly, still shivering from the cold. She looked up briefly when I sat down, her face void of emotions. She seemed to be in her forties as tiny wrinkles framed her eyes.
My stomach growled. I reached into my back pocket for my wallet only to remember that I hadn't brought anything along with me then. I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed.
As I got up, a hand rested on my shoulder.
“Boy, this is for you.”
A piping hot bowl of prawn noodles was placed in front of me. I looked up, an uncle in his sixties was smiling at me.
“Uncle cannot give you a lot, but this should be enough to warm your stomach. Come, faster eat.”
He walked away.
I stared at the bowl of noodles, remembering how she used to love prawn noodles so much that we would travel around Singapore just to find that perfect bowl of prawn noodles.
“Come, Uncle give you a bit more of the fish cake and one egg uh. It's okay boy, whatever happens, will pass. Finish this bowl of noodles and everything will be okay.”
Without warning, tears fell down my cheeks. All the grief and sorrow gushed out of me. The uncle smiled at me sympathetically, as though he knew what was going on. It doesn't matter if he knew what happened or not, the thing is, it mattered that he thought I needed his help. And he gave his help. That's all it mattered.
Thank you Uncle. Thank you for showing kindness to a stranger.
“你没事吧？”
“没事。该想的事都想过了，该哭的也哭过，还有什么是想不通的呢？之前往往一直纠结于人生许多的未知数 – 那些可能发生，也可能不会发生的事 – 活得很累。明明就是到了该忘了自我的年龄，却整天顾前顾后，怕这怕那。
有时候会后悔自己的一举一动，该放纵自己时就该放纵。扮什么清高，扮什么大方，扮什么坚强？干嘛在意别人对你的目光？该自私的时候就该自私，想要什么就该不惜一切的去追求。我为什么要像每个人一样？我就要我自己而活，不是为了满足你们永无止境的欲望。该笑就笑，
该哭就哭，该爱就爱，该恨就恨。
要敢爱敢恨。
我以前错了，以为别人高兴自己也会快乐，都不尝试寻找真正让我快乐的人和事。有时候又觉得自己不够好，不敢给人承诺。我怎么不够好呢？我现在明白了，对别人而言，我够不够好一点也不重要。只要自己开心，根本就不需要在乎别人。”
“所以，你现在快乐吗？”
“快了。”
Hey
|backspace|
Hello
|backspace|
Yo
|backspace|
asafkjgnk
|backspace|
hey
Her thumb hovers over the |send| button. Then moved to the |backspace| button.
And then back to the |send| button again.
She presses the |send| button and quickly threw her phone in front of herself, as though the receiver could see her face at that very moment. Gingerly, she reached out for her phone, peeking at the screen to see if he had received her message and if he had read it already.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5.......
3 minutes......
5 minutes......
10 minutes......
20 minutes......
60 minutes......
She held her phone on top of her face as she laid down on her bed and stared at her phone.
Is he busy? Has he noticed the text? Did he thought that it wasn't important enough to open and reply?
/BEEP!!!/
“Ow!”
The phone fell onto her face. Rubbing the spot on her face, she sat up in anticipation and a smile lit up her face.
What's up?
The door slammed shut.
She threw her backpack on the floor, kicking her white shoes aside and pulled her school socks off her feet.
Her heart pounded against her chest, beating faster than usual, as though it was trying to make its way out of her chest. She was frustrated, indignant and most of all, mad. Perhaps more angry at herself than anyone else.
How could I......?
She picked up every single thing in sight, grasping at the things she could reach and hurled them all around the room.
The room was a mess.
She looked down at herself and realised that she was still wearing her school uniform. As tears pricked her eyes, she took off her uniform, almost ripping it off from her body.
She stomped into the shower, turning the lukewarm water flow at full blast. It still felt cold. Annoyed, she turned up the dial for the heater. The heat fogged up the glass and the mirror inside the bathroom.
She started scrubbing her skin, making sure every inch of her skin is cleansed. It was red and raw. Her tears start to trickle as though it was falling from the showerhead above. Unable to contain her emotions, she turned off the shower and fell to her knees.
And she cried.
She cried for all the pent-up frustration, all the indignity and all the anger.
She sprawled on the floor.
He pulled his leg back and threw his head back in laughter. Whispers and giggles filled the hallway. People were staring at her. Some even had the nerve to smirk at her.
No one bothered to give her a hand or stand up to him.
She kept her head low, using her hair to cover parts of her face. Slowly, she pushed herself up, wincing and trembling as her knee ached from the impact earlier. Her face flamed with embarrassment, she picked her things from the floor and walked as fast as she could to her locker to get her books.
There was a pink note.
Nobody likes you. Nobody wants you here.
She crushed the note, like how she always does. But this time, her emotions got the better of her as she blinked and tried to fight against the tears in her eyes.
Yet, one still fell.
She looks over the ledge. The ocean crashed upon the rocks by the coast, threatening to devour everything in its path.
She lifted her right foot and climbed over the ledge, setting herself on the ledge. Her feet dangled below. She closed her eyes and spread her arms, feeling the wind as it passes by. She tilted her head up and took in a deep breath as she opened her eyes.
Stars graced the endless dark sky. It twinkled, as if it's trying to talk to her. The moon shone brightly, casting a silvery glow over the ocean.
Suddenly, the night doesn't seem as dark or cold as it was earlier. She lifted her right foot back onto the ledge, turning her back against the ocean.
She slipped.
“I'm sorry for giving up on us when you didn't.”
She sat on the grass and leaned against him.
She looked up at the sky. White and fluffy clouds graced the blue sky.
“Isn't this weather perfect for a stroll along the beach?” she said with a small smile, remembering all the times they spent together at the beach.
His smile, his laughter, his eyes.
She gave a small sigh, turned a little but regretted doing so instantly as she fixed her glance back upon the small budding flower in front of her. It was a turquoise-colored flower.
“I'm sorry... I was scared and I...”
Hot tears threatened to fall as she looked up to the sky and blinked rapidly, as though it will stop the tears from falling. It doesn't. It falls down her cheeks, and she used the tip of her fingers to wipe them away.
A small chuckle escaped her lips.
“I said I wouldn't cry in front of you ever, and now I'm crying like a baby.”
“It's just that I missed you.”
“I missed you so much.”
She touched the grass where he laid.
9.30 a.m.
She smiled as she woke up, remnants from a blissful dream. It disappeared as reality sets in. She looked over to the right side of the bed.
Empty.
She pulled herself out of bed, dragged herself to the bathroom and looked into the mirror.
Tiny spots marked her face. Redness covered her cheeks. Her asymmetrical eyes stared back at her.
She threw a towel over the mirror.
10.30 a.m.
After pulling the towel down from the mirror, she started to paint her face, covering up the tiny spots, the redness on her cheeks.
Taping her eyes, she wondered why her eyes couldn't be naturally this way.
She drew her brows, changing the way it usually looks.
She curls her lashes, adding a feminine touch to it.
She puts on her favorite lipstick.
She smiled, finally able to stare at her own reflection.
The smile never reaches her eyes.
As I walked past Hazel's bedroom, I heard sobs coming from her room. Alarmed, I slowly opened her bedroom door and peered inwards. Little Hazel was curled up like a foetus on her bed, hugging her new teddy bear from the carnival we went earlier in the day.
“Darling, what's wrong? Didn't you had fun at the carnival today? And look, you even won yourself this little fella.”
I sat gently at the edge of her bed. Using my fingers, I wiped away her tears carefully. And removed my touch as sje started to hide her face from view.
After a short while, she sat up hesitantly and tried to wipe her tears using the back of her hand.
“It's nothing mama,” she said with a small smile. But it didn't reach her eyes.
“Alright then. But can you tell mama why did you choose the teddy? I thought you always wanted the baby tiger.”
Hazel looked down at the teddy and slowly began, “I really really really like the tiger but... I... I... I'm scared to have it.”
“Why?”
She grabbed one of her other stuffed animals from the other side of the bed and placed it between my hands. It was a stuffed lion. Another one of her favourites. I remember winning this for her at another carnival two years ago. And it has been her favourite ever since then, always bringing it along wherever she go.
Until today.
Usually, she wouldn't even put it aside despite having new toys. Yet, it was left at the other side of her bed today.
Puzzled, I looked at her, unsure of what to do.
“What do you see?”
“I see a lion...?” I answered her slowly, dragging the word “lion” for I'm unsure of my own answer.
“And?”
I inspected the stuffed lion.
The colour does seem a little different. It was brighter and more vibrant then. At the edge of the stuffed lion was a small tear. The tear used to be slightly bigger. But I had mended it a year ago when Hazel came crying to me about the tear. I thought that was it, the tear!
She shook her head and slowly pulled the stuffed lion from my hand.
“I saw Mr Lion's friend today. At the carnival. And he looks so different from Mr Lion... Then I saw Mr Tiger snd I really really like Mr Tiger. But I didn't want him to turn up like Mr Lion, I want him to stay the way he is. So he can't come home with me.....” Another flood of tears gushed down her cheeks as she hugged her stuffed lion, murmuring her soft apologies to it.
Upon watching her, I can't help but feel my eyes water and hot tears threatened to fall. I say nothing, but embrace her while she sobbed her heart out.