For the longest time I have felt lonely. I never felt understood. I tried so hard to make so many friends. They were all too different. And I felt like I had to be a small part of myself just to be pleasant to them. I felt so alone. I didn't have a deep connection with anyone. I felt like my life was in limbo. As I was younger, I put it, “It feels like I'm looking through the world through a window.” Like I see it play out in front of me, but nothing is tethering me to it. Like the lack of gravity in outer space, I felt like I was in danger of drifting away into the abyss for ever. I struggled so hard with loneliness. I had no connection to the world.
And then I met him. Someone who I could be with all day long and be completely loose with. Someone I can rant to. Someone I can vent to. Someone who would understand my concerns for the world. Someone who shares my sense of justice but the same care of not slipping into the slippery slope of seemingly heroic beliefs that actually lead to more danger. Someone who is both dirty and pure like me. Someone who is soft and sensitive like me. Someone who assumes the best of their partner like me. Someone who always strives to understand each other before anything. Slow to judge. Quick to love.
Time passes by and more and more pains shackle him. The world doesn't give him a rest. He is suicidal. His freedoms are being put at risk because of a petty fight, over hypocrisy.
He was already in pain before. So much shit has been dealt to him. Suicidal thoughts are more frequent and more potent. They just keep intensifying.
Now he's having PTSD flashbacks. He frequently goes into trances where he can't think straight. And every time this happens what's on his mind is suicide.
I'm so fucking scared. I'm in pain that he's been feeling so much pain from what's been happening to him.
I continue to hope but it is so fucking terrifying having thoughts that one day I may never get to see him again. To speak to him again. To touch him again. To kiss him again to hold him again.
That in a whirlwind of deadly pain, he is lost to the abyss.
My only tether.
My connection to this world.
The one who opened my window and ushered me in.
I don't want to be swallowed by the abyss.