3 am and your bf’s Instagram comments.
Am I the asshole for seeing him get a notification on Instagram from this girl who I can see, from the corner of my eye, has at some point written “I always enjoy looking at you” and then glimpsing her name just quick enough to know how to find her on social media. Ellie. Very sexy. From what I could tell owns a stripper pole and knows how to use it. What I also found is that on the 6th of December Ellie did a work out in her underwear (not a sports bra because I could see her nipples) and shared it with the world. My boyfriend being the sports or nipple, or thong fanatic that he is, apparently, thought this post was whatever a fire emoji means. Yet, there I am every night, naked or in red lacy underwear next to him and no fire emoji. And now it’s past 3am and I can’t sleep because he was hard and I was sleeping there with red panties and naked breasts pressed out against him in the most compromising poses I’ve ever done, and nothing. You know what I’m sure of? I’m sure that if he wasn’t with me and Ellie was sleeping just like me, they would have had sex within the first 3 seconds she took of her see-through top. You know what I’m sure of as well? I'm sure that if any of my friends told me one of their boyfriends had done anything like that, I’d be the first to say how little of a deal it is. I’d be like “He loves you, we all still think other people are hot.” “It’s him trying not to lose his mojo (I guess you could call it that)” or whatever else. Oh, how I dreaded this moment, I’ve become jealous. And I didn’t know it until I saw that “I always enjoy looking at you” and the fire emoji but I now seem to be on a quest to prove that something on his phone is disloyal to me. The thing is, I’m not crazy. No one types “I always enjoy looking at you” without cause. I could get a number of guys to say that to me but I would have to give them a reason to. No one puts themselves out there without nothing, not even super sexy, confident Ellie. You know what I’m saying? Oh, how I have dreaded this – I’ve started questioning his faithfulness. At this point I should probably define what faithfulness means to me. Maybe it’s not faithfulness that I’m questioning, perhaps, a different characteristic that I undoubtably thought we had that has apparently been a) lost or b)an illusion this whole time. I am not crazy, I’ve just lost my cool and chill, and whatever. Now I’m thinking “it’s me”, at some point I must have started nagging or stopped being so loving, or just become so insecure that I drove him to look for what he needed elsewhere. At the start he always said that I’m so clean, so perfect, so angel-like, so calm. No one has ever seen that in me. It’s not true but it felt good and, yes, addictive. And because it was never really true and at some point I must have shown my actual colours it’s so apparent he no longer sees that either. So then what’s left? What does he see? Very apparent that not someone he would like to fuck. I see myself, at this point in our relationship, as insecure, needy, demanding. Is it possible that I just see a mirror of what he now has come to see? I know for a fact that neither of these characteristics are defining features in me. Then how come those are the only things I see in myself at the moment. Nothing good. I used to thing I’m funny, now I think I’m rather sarcastic. Used to think I’m chill, now I think I’m cold and detached from the world. Used to think I’m beautiful, now it’s on occasion. Used to think I’m sexy, no hint of that. I really, really, really want to be a dedicated girlfriend that can be exactly what he needs, that knows what he needs. That can comfort, support, inspire and encourage. I really, really do want that. I know that’s the most unfeminist thing on the planet but I really do want that. But I’m too selfish for that. I’m always inspired to do these things only when I feel like their done to me. I bet Ellie is somehow both a feminist and the most devoted girlfriend on the planet. I bet Ellie has clicked on my account at some point (I’m tagged in some of his photos) and I bet she’s laughed or judged, or mocked. When there’s a girlfriend, you always think degrading things about the girlfriend. Why does anyone have girlfriends? Why do girls yeaaaaarn to become one?The girlfriend is the most degrading position anyone could ever take on.