Very rarely, if I allow it, do I have one of those glimpses of light that let me see the world from the eyes that are trapped behind this masculine façade. It was the moment when I realised that I would never be completely happy the way I am right now. I will never really be able to let go, I can no longer let myself drift. I will always be a bit tense.
It was maybe 1-2 seconds, then the moment was already over again. My last ray of hope of this kind was weeks, if not months ago. These few seconds are the ones that could be, but which I do not allow. The ones I suppress by suppressing the real me.
How this ray of hope came about? Quite simply. Basically, if I would ever consider a transition, I would also be physically a woman who loves a woman. And this then quite obviously homosexual love, I thought about and allowed for a moment. It worked. But whether it also works in real life...
A few days ago I sent a cry for help through Reddit. My dysphoria was so strong that I wanted to hurt myself. Sounds bad? It was. Fortunately, the community at Reddit is great. Many people who feel the same way as I do or who are already one step ahead of me spoke well to me, helped me. I recovered. Fortunately.
I am not a cross-dresser. When I try on women's clothes, I feel comfortable and right in them. I enjoy the clothes on my skin, look at myself in the mirror (fade out the wrong face) and enjoy it.
My wife ordered new clothes. Beautiful dresses and new bras. She tried them on, showed them to me. I found them beautiful. Both my wife and the clothes. But with every piece of clothing I slipped deeper into a hole. I knew that I would never look like this, no matter if I ever started with HRT. I raced into the next depression.
I put every word on the scales, I always try to stay cool.
My meanwhile very long hair is hardly appealing. A few people (not my family) like it. My family thinks it would be wrong for a man.
My wife recently stressed THE dad. I am not sure. Maybe I am imagining it. But that THE (for HE) came very loud and clear when she said it to my big daughter. I still don't know, does she suspect anything?
I am still not ready to come out. Because, as I said, losing the children would be the same as it is now. Hardly bearable. But when is the right time? Will it ever come?
I will keep this blog as a public diary to get rid of thoughts that burden, occupy or delight me.
But first a few words about me.
I am 36 years old, I am very happily married, I have 2 wonderful daughters. I love my family more than anything. And this is exactly what is fatal for me. At the age of 34 I discovered that “something is wrong”. At the beginning of 2020, after a long search, I was sure: I am a woman in a man's body. No, I don't act like one, after all I was raised as a boy and a man. I lived in this male domain, was (and still am) dominated by the hormone testosterone. But I am a woman, I know that. I feel that deep inside.
But I keep this knowledge to myself. I am terribly afraid to tell my wife. I am afraid of losing her and my children and this fear is still greater than all the mental pain that my transidentity causes me. I suffer from dysphoria and depression. Sometimes so bad that it is almost unbearable.
This is my life. My really difficult life now. I play the man that everyone (society, family) expects me to be. Sometimes better, sometimes less good. But I do it so that I don't lose anyone or anything.
Unfortunately, I lose myself. Every day a little more.