Ray of hope

Very rarely, if I allow it, do I have one of those glimpses of light that let me see the world from the eyes that are trapped behind this masculine fa├žade. It was the moment when I realised that I would never be completely happy the way I am right now. I will never really be able to let go, I can no longer let myself drift. I will always be a bit tense.

It was maybe 1-2 seconds, then the moment was already over again. My last ray of hope of this kind was weeks, if not months ago. These few seconds are the ones that could be, but which I do not allow. The ones I suppress by suppressing the real me.

How this ray of hope came about? Quite simply. Basically, if I would ever consider a transition, I would also be physically a woman who loves a woman. And this then quite obviously homosexual love, I thought about and allowed for a moment. It worked. But whether it also works in real life...

I'm so stupid.