I will keep this blog as a public diary to get rid of thoughts that burden, occupy or delight me.

But first a few words about me.

I am 36 years old, I am very happily married, I have 2 wonderful daughters. I love my family more than anything. And this is exactly what is fatal for me. At the age of 34 I discovered that “something is wrong”. At the beginning of 2020, after a long search, I was sure: I am a woman in a man's body. No, I don't act like one, after all I was raised as a boy and a man. I lived in this male domain, was (and still am) dominated by the hormone testosterone. But I am a woman, I know that. I feel that deep inside.

But I keep this knowledge to myself. I am terribly afraid to tell my wife. I am afraid of losing her and my children and this fear is still greater than all the mental pain that my transidentity causes me. I suffer from dysphoria and depression. Sometimes so bad that it is almost unbearable.

This is my life. My really difficult life now. I play the man that everyone (society, family) expects me to be. Sometimes better, sometimes less good. But I do it so that I don't lose anyone or anything.

Unfortunately, I lose myself. Every day a little more.