The last days

A lot has happened. An awful lot.

Cry for help

A few days ago I sent a cry for help through Reddit. My dysphoria was so strong that I wanted to hurt myself. Sounds bad? It was. Fortunately, the community at Reddit is great. Many people who feel the same way as I do or who are already one step ahead of me spoke well to me, helped me. I recovered. Fortunately.

Clothes

I am not a cross-dresser. When I try on women's clothes, I feel comfortable and right in them. I enjoy the clothes on my skin, look at myself in the mirror (fade out the wrong face) and enjoy it.

My wife ordered new clothes. Beautiful dresses and new bras. She tried them on, showed them to me. I found them beautiful. Both my wife and the clothes. But with every piece of clothing I slipped deeper into a hole. I knew that I would never look like this, no matter if I ever started with HRT. I raced into the next depression.

Now

I put every word on the scales, I always try to stay cool.

My meanwhile very long hair is hardly appealing. A few people (not my family) like it. My family thinks it would be wrong for a man.

My wife recently stressed THE dad. I am not sure. Maybe I am imagining it. But that THE (for HE) came very loud and clear when she said it to my big daughter. I still don't know, does she suspect anything?

I am still not ready to come out. Because, as I said, losing the children would be the same as it is now. Hardly bearable. But when is the right time? Will it ever come?