for you

dedicated to fay

dear fay,

upon encountering your birthday, i realized just how little i feel like i know about you, yet i know that hirokazu koreeda is one of your favorite movie directors, i know you have more than one sibling, i know that you call lee juyeon with such an endearing nickname. yes, love may be stored in familiarity, but it is also stored in progression. you told me something once that made my heart leapt out of my chest, it was that we are growing up buddies. i cannot wait to receive more stories you are willing to share to me to help me uncloak new forms of love i could possibly discover in you.

dear fay,

happiest birthday to the gentlest leo, the most tender flames. “I don’t want to give up on nurturing my inner child just yet,” you once wrote. and that is exactly what i feel, hear, and see when i converse with you: childhood preserved. there is just so much wonder you carry, many places you have ever been to, and plenty lessons to learn. when you present them to the world, everything seems to be glittering in hope and the promise of tomorrows. i wish we could be forever growing up, but never growing old. within a minute, you will be defending your thesis then a whole new world will spread across your feet. you will look back with pride to this very moment where you grew up kindly. may responsibilities and jobs do not erode that memory away from you. however, if you ever feel lost or simply need a pair of ears to listen to the most wholesome rambling about the latest film you watched, you know where to find me.

dear fay,

i hope the world gives you more and more reasons to be happy. i hope you find sanctuary in words the way i found one in your old posted writings. may the journey you are currently facing does not hinder you from making another art. dear fayi, happy birthday to you. may life lead you to the best scenarios you could possibly imagine.

dedicated to vivi

ulang tahun merupakan perayaan sakral tanda berkembang. bungkusan hadiah dan ucapan sentimental menjadi riak di sungai yang terus mengalir ke hilir. jembatan di depan yang terbentang dari sisi badanmu ke sisi lainnya penanda pergantian tahun: mungkin dengan melewatinya, aku akan lebih dekat dengan tujuan.

bukannya mendaki, kamu terus menuruni bukit hingga lembah. kamu ingin terus berpijak pada bumi, kakimu diselimuti kedermawanan, tubuhmu teduh akan rindangnya kasih sayang beringin hingga mahoni.

kamu tak harus meluncur sendiri lagi mulai saat ini. ketahuilah, kini ada pemanah lain yang siap membantumu meneguhkan busurmu, hingga saat kalian melepas anak panahnya, kalian akan terbawa menuju tahun-tahun berikutnya; kue ulang tahun menjadi dua tingkat, tamu undangan berlipat ganda, dan tanganmu tak lagi kesepian karena kini tangannya berada di genggaman.

sayang, sulit untuk mengabarkan cinta sebagaimana sulit melacaknya ketika ia tertanam. kamu sudah menunggu cukup lama untuk menegarkan hati, menegakkan bahu, menunggu waktu hingga kerja kerasmu menyiangi kebun berbuah tunas.

pada akhirnya, dia muncul; sebagaimana matahari menggantikan bulan, bintang menggantikan matahari, bunga menggantikan biji, buah menggantikan bunga, dan kini cinta ada tak lagi untuk disiangi, hanya disayangi.

selamat ulang tahun, kedua pemanahku. semoga tembakan kalian lurus mengenai target, semoga api kalian tak pernah redup sebagaimana hidup tidak pernah berhenti memberikan kalian kesempatan untuk bertumbuh bersama mulai saat ini.

---

selamat ulang tahun, vivi. mengenal kamu & melihat kamu mengenal sunghoon adalah sesuatu yang akan aku terus kenang mulai saat ini. aku percaya bahwa setelah melihat cinta bertumbuh, aku juga dapat merasakannya bertumbuh dalam diriku.

sagittarius selalu dilambangkan dengan pemanah dan panahan. semoga kalian berdua, twin fire signs, merayakan hari ini dengan penuh cinta.

dedicated to izha

i. love spreads out of you. this world's a slice of bread, its jam drips against the hardwood floor. don't you see the sum of compassion you've granted? people sought only for merit, yet you offered them divine grace.

see this kneaded dough, made by those palms of yours. have they not hefted enough sharp pebbles? have they not dispelled too much turmoil life has thrown at you? yet, you made a plateful of fragrant cake out of it, feed people with sweets you've made from scratch. you're made of intricate emotions that are not as easy to be laid bare as the way you smear your butter.

worry not, dear one, we've got plenty of time to figure it out as we wait for your batter to rise.

ii. glimmer of sunray against oceanic water has you mesmerized. has the world not offered enough letters for you to speak in languages of the deities? to the cedars lining up against your grandmother's fence? to the sun at 8 a.m., of which makes your cheeks turn into rosy blush? to the driftwood you found by the shore, aimlessly afloat? to the nature and marvels presented by this hometown you longed for?

either you have always held a wonder in your eyes or you haven't returned for so long. breathe in the air; is the salty scent enough to make you stay? breathe out; is it enough to make you realize you're made of fragments this town is known for?

iii. you're made of ears, darling, always have been. “attention is the most basic form of love,” tara brach once said. “by paying attention we let ourselves be touched by life (...),”

watch how the fireworks above spark for you in this early night. as the moon wanes and the sound of night grows louder, let the god mold lips onto your skin. it's your time to speak. it's your time to lure, it's your time to lament, it's your time to love.

i'll listen.

---

happy birthday, izha. there's no a single dull day knowing you.

---

references: a tweet from @.moondropism

dedicated to izha

makanannya sudah dingin, seperti lantai yang sempat kita sebut rumah. bangunan ini pernah membuat gerah, menjadi pabrik kasih dan kisah. kini hanya ada diriku sendiri, marah dan gelisah. kembang kol dan wortel luruh dengan kuah, sama sekali tak menggugah. malam ini, seperti malam-malam sebelumnya, aku akan tertidur tanpa perut begah.

jalanan ini sempat ramai, kini hanya terisi oleh jejak kaki. benamkan memori dalam-dalam di setiap sudut gang-gang sepi. lampu jalanan di sebelah sini masih mati, jeonghan, tidakkah orang-orang menyadari? ternyata, kita menyusul takdir si pelita tanpa ada seorangpun yang mengetahui. bagaimana mungkin cerita ini dapat dibagi? bagaimana dengan ekspektasi? tertinggal, lantak, tak terpenuhi. bagaimana dengan doa tulus dari sanubari? semata mewujud menjadi angin malam yang menemani.

takkan ada lagi tangan yang mencegahmu tersandung. lututmu penuh bekas luka, katamu bekas bertarung. aku pernah mengecupnya satu-satu, sembari bersenandung, “banyak sekali yang telah kau tanggung.” kedua lengan ini temukan tujuan lain, tapi tetap tidak bisa menjadi penghubung.

bintang-bintang pernah jauh lebih terang. sejak kapan mereka hanya titik putih yang melayang? sejak kapan mereka berusaha mewujud menjadi diri ini, kecil dan berbayang? jeonghan, aku sempat menjadi layaknya ledakan, senantiasa mengguncang. aku bisa menjadi apapun saat dekapanmu menyambutku pulang. kini aku menatap rasi setiap petang, seolah menunggu seseorang pulang dari perang. apakah hidupmu senang? apakah langit malam masih membuatmu tenang?

makanannya berubah menjadi dingin, jeonghan. ribuan maaf menjadi permintaan terakhir sebelum kakimu melangkah dari pintu depan. remang ruangan mencegahku menatap entah senyuman atau dengusan terakhir yang kau lemparkan. hanya satu yang tertanam dalam ingatan: kegelapan.

dedicated to anni

within a garden full of sunflowers, you had asked him once, how do we love? as your gaze trailed to the withered brown petals, your fingertips brushed against the yellowed leaves, and your skin met the cold air of pre-dusk time.

everything ended before your eyes, and it would all come in full circle once the dawn emerged. but, how do we love? you asked again, with hope that he could provide you with a definite answer of when would your nightfall start and your daybreak arise. thinking you could prepare, thinking time existed for you to manipulate.

you loved with your eyes wide open, seeing every sign of the universe, making sense out of everything. his brazen confidence was a byproduct of your offered solace. he saw through you and the love that you sowed. he remembered; he would take the memory a thousand years ahead, even when he leaped through time and transcended to another dimension.

you loved with no promises of tomorrow, so you made the most out of everything you could on that day. days were a life happened in repeat. life was a story reiterated. a story was a conversation listened. and he listened, every single brand new day. living vicariously through yesterdays, he held your hand as the sun was up.

you loved with your hearts flailing effortlessly, for he said that nobody would take this away from you. he said, so let's wear it on our sleeves. he said, i will show you how, and perhaps this could be the start of something. so, you learned. you learned with five steps made. you learned recklessly with your knees bled through your jeans and your elbows scraped slightly. isn't it liberating, he asked, to be able to love so fearlessly?

you loved without the fear of its ending, he professed, at last. you made a great fountain of history that ended this town's drought. birds were flocking, flowers were growing rapidly. we did not have anything to regret, he mumbled, we lived through it all undaunted. this part of life's greatest moments were yours, entirely.

so, you stopped asking, and held hands through this maze of garden instead.

dedicated to unge

mating ballads sung in the cold, carrying your existence up to dozens of decades old. either be in days of yore, or moments where you are now, waves still take you ten thousand miles roundabout. you are a canary of the sea, does all this debris clog up your vocal cords? wishing we could wipe all the waste from your cerulean home, yet again making lighthouses visible. wishing we could lift up the labyrinth away from the blueness of your ménage. our embraces will be here to welcome, chaperone you through this eternal expedition. you are, by no means, small. you occupy these bodies of water — this earth, with your tangible kindness, with your ethereal mind. long live, renegade of hurricanes. thou who've passed through sea storms and the calls of sirens, wayfaring to the end of the world quenching that clawing curiosity, creating bubbles of benedictions. long live, resident of the neptune, chasing for that horizon looking for answers. may your journey's filled with kaleidoscopic corals that lead you to your final bourne.