davezak

life is a fucked up journey and im not really feeling prepared for it.

when something goes wrong, dont freak out.

you are in for a lifetime of things going wrong. you fix them and figure it out.

you will get better at this. maybe it is all about optimism.

train your brain to be optimistic.

I'm typing out the latest panic moment.

there is ALWAYS a reason to think that it is the end of the world. physically i feel like i have lost everything.

we bought a new office and the tenant want to stay but we NEED them to leave.

they are saying that they can stay until 2024 and too bad for us thats what the lease says.

rebecca is saying that the lease says that they didnt have a signed lease within 2 months of lease end so they are out of luck and have to leave by the law.

there are 2 interpretations and i dont know what side will win.

there will definitely be lawyers involved. hopefully the tenants will fold and leave, i fear that they ignore our lawyers letter and just stay in the building. we can change the locks but all their stuff will be in their,.

they will get pissd.

we need them to be out of there so we can move iut.

but what if they dont leave? do we call the police? do we bring them to court?

this new unknown conflict is just like any other unknown conflict. there are undless unknown uncomfortable conflicts.

i need to learn how to face them and exist with uncomfortable unknown conflicts.

i go worst case scenario and show that we are doomed. i think it through,play out scenarios what if THIS happens or what if THAT happens.

and i'm afraid on not being liked im afraid of being hated and a bad reputations. i want everyone to like me.

i dont know how i will handle any of this. i dont know how to respond or change and be different. conflict is uncomfortable. unknown situations are uncomfortable.

these things take over my whole world. my whole mind gets hijacked by terrible sschenarios.im mean to kids, i dont do work, i get depressed, my anxiety is through the roof.

but if not this tenant fear, then what else will be next?

do i see the tenant bending over and saying, ya right there is no lease i guess we better leave.

that is what they need to say. i don't know how this will happen.

i dont want to have to go to court over this. what do we do if they dont leave? we use the law. we sue them? take them to court.

get them out of our building.

is life just a series of bad news?

when this bad news is over that has stopped me completely, then something else will appear.

i need to learn how to manage my anxiety. drop an anchor., whatever the hell that means. my anxiety is crippling. i thoughts about suicide a lot when i had depression. nortriptyline fixed that. now i think about depression because of anxiety.

i never through i would be so anxious that i wanted to die.

i can escape. i dont know how to espace. i dont have the mind to escape. i dont have the mindset or ideas or tools. tol escape anxiety.

how can i be comfortable with uncertainty and not ruminate. how can i sit still and separate from conflict and not let it take over my life.

ever set back means defeat. every setback mean we are screwed forever.

i cant get out of this mindset on my own. things do not work out. do they?

i need to be grateful.

but im so anxiour and nervous

today i feel happy. so strange.

i think its because i told my story of how religious messed up my brain. i told it to a group of 12 people. it was awesome. i cried. i feel happy and lighter.

this has shown me how important groups can be. group therapy. do it. god dammit. other people.

today is a good day. i feel known and loved and accepted and validated.

RTS Religious Trauma – My Story David Zak

here is a video of the script below:

This is my story of growing up in fundamentalist pentecostal christianity and the impact it has on me as an adult.

I was born in the 80s into a loving family. Middle of 3 brothers. I had a great childhood! Played basketball and gymnastics in the church gym with friends. Got to play the drums and instruments after services. There were also lots of opportunities for art and creativity. These are still all my favorite things to do.

Church was twice on Sundays, weds nights and many friday nights with small groups and events throughout the week. We sang church songs before bed every night.

My parents loved us and wanted the best for us i feel very fortunate.

From birth I was thrown deep into the weirdest Pentecostal Fundamentalism. FOR EXAMPLE: screaming in tongues, casting out demons, anointing oil, spiritual sweat rags, dancing with ribbons. Prophesies. Travelling healing magicians and revivals … to name a few things.

The bible was called ‘the sword’ and my kids club was called ‘the crusaders’. Holy war was good, sex was bad. Everyone outside the church was bad..

I didn't know any other reality existed.

I did not have a love for god, just a fear of god. SO the theme of my religious trauma therapy with you – to feel safe and not catastrophizing every problem to be the end of the world.

CHILDHOOD YEARS

I knew that all my friends, all my relatives and all my neighbours were going to hell because they didn't go to church like us. I was told that angels, demons and the spiritual world are more real than the physical world and there is a constant war going on right now for your soul.

As early as 4 or 5 i heard about the end times and the rapture. I became very anxious about the world ending and my parents leaving me. Numerous times i thought that i missed the rapture and was in helpless panic..

We were isolated for decades from pop culture. Very limited non christian movies, shows or music. All of these things had demons in them and were traps set by the devil. I cried and begged for forgiveness for listening to non christian music.

As a young child and early teenager i would help paint and create props for the annual ‘Heavens Gate and Hells flames’ play.. ~ I recommend you youtube a ‘heavens gate and hells flames’ church play. It’s still happening today all over the place. Watch it and imagine young children being there watching that over and over. This play is performed by members of the church. The devil was always the only black guy in the church.

The play included loud music and choreographed flashing lights. They would strobe red when the devil came out to grab a mom away from her daughter into hell.

This play acts out people who died and what happens to them. Do they get to meet jesus and walk up the stairs, or do they get dragged into hell by demons? I also saw the ‘left behind’ video series. And still 30 years later I see fearful scenes in my mind of parents being ripped away from kids by swat teams and devices being put on their heads because they were christians refusing to conform. These movies showed all the christians being persecuted for their beliefs and this was to be celebrated… to even die for your beliefs is the ultimate christian!

My childhood fear advanced when my mom told me that up until i was around 10 years old, i would get into heaven because she was christian, but after that its up to me. I never knew if i was safe.

Sermons about the mark of the beast, microchip implants and horrible suffering were common talk. I was always on edge that the world was ending. There were signs of the end times everywhere. ‘Final judgement’ – Jesus was coming back to take us away. Everyone else was to be cast into the fire.

I never felt safe.

So, I became very busy. I distracted myself from the fear of this worldview by always tinkering and building and constructing things. Putting my head down and creating. I smoked weed and made websites and businesses, music and art – and never stopped working. My mom didnt like my art and told me it looked like ‘the occult’

I was called a ‘peacemaker’ and was proud of this title. Basically i never rocked the boat. Didnt have my own opinions. Didnt question anything. Avoided conflict at all costs. Never talked back or learned to be assertive or take care of my own needs.

TEENAGE YEARS MIDDLE EVENTS

Depression and anxiety. At 16 (im almost 40) i was put on anti anxiety medicine and antidepressants. I’m still pumped full of them.

As a young teenager weekends and some evenings were spent downtown at ‘toronto airport church’. It was super wacky. I recall super loud music and yelling men. People falling over laughing and shaking. I stepped over bodies staying late into the night.

As a teenager i couldn't speak in tongues, i didn't get knocked over onto the floor laughing or crying uncontrollably like everyone else. I never got healed when the faith healers showed up. I didn't believe any of it but was too scared of the consequences… so i kept busy making and building and working constantly tinkering with businesses and new ideas and smoked weed to not face fears of the world.

I was taught to be homophobic. Ellen degeneris coming out as lesbian was the first time i heard about same sex couples. Ellen was demonized and it was clear that she was very bad. I love Ellen she is fun and generous and inclusive and happy.

This RTS group is the first time i have knowingly been around people who are not heterosexual. I feel ashamed about that. But honoured and brought to tears at how caring, thoughtful and human everyone is. I felt grief over all the years of separation from so many wonderful parts of humanity.

I was held out of sex ed at school and just knew that sex means you give up part of your soul to someone, and it lead to orgies, homosexuality, diseases and ultimated eternal punishment.

I did mission trips visited guatemala, honduras, south africa, congo, zambia and zimbabwe. Im haunted by having so much after seeing so much suffering...

ADULT

Basically i smoked weed and worked hard. I never looked up or inward out of fear. I avoided for 20 years.

My parents are still deep in the God hole. For example, they are not getting the covid shot because it is the devils work to bring in the Globalists and their global agenda. All a sinister plan ushering us closer to the end of the world! They believe this.

So I’m an Entrepreneur. Main business is 13 years old. Grown to global size. Felt horrible for being successful. Horrible for having any money. Like i was going to hell unless i gave all my money away. I couldnt feel Joy in this life meant hell later. I was not allowed to be proud of what i had built. Not allowed to be joyful. I should be saving up for gifts in heaven. Suffering was noble.

I did everything in life right in life and felt terrible.

I had years in Deep depression. I would Wake up in the morning looking forward to sleeping again soon.

Thats when I hit a turning point! “I would rather go to hell than be alive.”

So one day in the shower i said ‘fuck you jesus just kill me this sucks being so afraid and feeling terrible. I dont believe in God’ – and nothing happened. My greatest fear was denying God and I survived it this April 2021.

Started therapy… did 6 week intensive in-care recovery at homewood in guelph. I got to unpacked everything in a safe place. The hospital introduced me to the concept of Religious Trauma.

Continuing to do all sorts of therapy and mental health is a big part of what i do with my time. Thankful for this group. It is very helpful.

Fundamentalist christianity was the only reality i knew and i was to scared to even think to question it so im kinda discovering a whole new world.

I am working hard to change thought patterns.

It is hard and scary work but FUCK IT i want to be happy and calm and alive and strong and i know that it is just a matter of time.

another day of deep depression. severe anxiety. death seems like a nice releif... but id make my kids sad. i don't want to die only because my kids would be upset.

i take depression drugs, anxiety drugs. exercise daily, play drums for my own fun time, work on design projects, eat healthy, sleep well, work hard, have friends, take therapy 4 times a week.

once with my main therapist, then a group on anxiety and uncertainty, then a marriage therapist with my wife, then a religious trauma support group.

what else should you do to not feel depressed?

write more maybe? i use to journal a lot. that helps. i need to write more maybe 'capture thoughts' challenge and change them.

i have been doing CBT exercises for over a decade and i still feel terrible.

im running our of options.

we have to leave our office that my wife sold. i worked for many years to set it up for our business.

now we are moving into a piece of shit that isn't set up for our current business, and definitely not set up for any sort of growth. i hope it all falls through. i hope everything just stops i cant handle life

i am only okay when im with my kids.

ive felt every emotion except 'fine'

not sure where to go from here.

everyday write something

today ill talk about uncertainty. I am very afraid of unexpected events that have no clear conclusion

The outcome could be terrible or amazing or somewhere in the middle.

I am not good with just sitting with the discomfort. i run to work and weed. i run away from the discomfort of so much about life being unknown and enything could happen.

I dont feel safe in this world and take things to terrible outcomes in my head.

i think that a few things are happening.

1) being worried and panicked about something you don't know how it will fixed. 2) worrying as a habit. this is what you do. when one worry is gone, the new worry takes its place. this is a habit. a thinking habit.

the panic causes so much anxiety that i feel physically panicked.

unnecessary risk, surprises, all of it...

how can i become more comfortable with existing with future unknowns?

i have wanted to write for so long but never found the place to do it. i would write about things i have discovered that were part of a fulfilled life, like raising bees, chickens, ideas about business and reasons to be alive.

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