RTS Religious Trauma – My Story David Zak

here is a video of the script below:

https://youtu.be/or1imSkp7sU

This is my story of growing up in fundamentalist pentecostal christianity and the impact it has on me as an adult.

I was born in the 80s into a loving family. Middle of 3 brothers. I had a great childhood! Played basketball and gymnastics in the church gym with friends. Got to play the drums and instruments after services. There were also lots of opportunities for art and creativity. These are still all my favorite things to do.

Church was twice on Sundays, weds nights and many friday nights with small groups and events throughout the week. We sang church songs before bed every night.

My parents loved us and wanted the best for us i feel very fortunate.

From birth I was thrown deep into the weirdest Pentecostal Fundamentalism. FOR EXAMPLE: screaming in tongues, casting out demons, anointing oil, spiritual sweat rags, dancing with ribbons. Prophesies. Travelling healing magicians and revivals … to name a few things.

The bible was called ‘the sword’ and my kids club was called ‘the crusaders’. Holy war was good, sex was bad. Everyone outside the church was bad..

I didn't know any other reality existed.

I did not have a love for god, just a fear of god. SO the theme of my religious trauma therapy with you – to feel safe and not catastrophizing every problem to be the end of the world.

CHILDHOOD YEARS

I knew that all my friends, all my relatives and all my neighbours were going to hell because they didn't go to church like us. I was told that angels, demons and the spiritual world are more real than the physical world and there is a constant war going on right now for your soul.

As early as 4 or 5 i heard about the end times and the rapture. I became very anxious about the world ending and my parents leaving me. Numerous times i thought that i missed the rapture and was in helpless panic..

We were isolated for decades from pop culture. Very limited non christian movies, shows or music. All of these things had demons in them and were traps set by the devil. I cried and begged for forgiveness for listening to non christian music.

As a young child and early teenager i would help paint and create props for the annual ‘Heavens Gate and Hells flames’ play.. ~ I recommend you youtube a ‘heavens gate and hells flames’ church play. It’s still happening today all over the place. Watch it and imagine young children being there watching that over and over. This play is performed by members of the church. The devil was always the only black guy in the church.

The play included loud music and choreographed flashing lights. They would strobe red when the devil came out to grab a mom away from her daughter into hell.

This play acts out people who died and what happens to them. Do they get to meet jesus and walk up the stairs, or do they get dragged into hell by demons? I also saw the ‘left behind’ video series. And still 30 years later I see fearful scenes in my mind of parents being ripped away from kids by swat teams and devices being put on their heads because they were christians refusing to conform. These movies showed all the christians being persecuted for their beliefs and this was to be celebrated… to even die for your beliefs is the ultimate christian!

My childhood fear advanced when my mom told me that up until i was around 10 years old, i would get into heaven because she was christian, but after that its up to me. I never knew if i was safe.

Sermons about the mark of the beast, microchip implants and horrible suffering were common talk. I was always on edge that the world was ending. There were signs of the end times everywhere. ‘Final judgement’ – Jesus was coming back to take us away. Everyone else was to be cast into the fire.

I never felt safe.

So, I became very busy. I distracted myself from the fear of this worldview by always tinkering and building and constructing things. Putting my head down and creating. I smoked weed and made websites and businesses, music and art – and never stopped working. My mom didnt like my art and told me it looked like ‘the occult’

I was called a ‘peacemaker’ and was proud of this title. Basically i never rocked the boat. Didnt have my own opinions. Didnt question anything. Avoided conflict at all costs. Never talked back or learned to be assertive or take care of my own needs.

TEENAGE YEARS MIDDLE EVENTS

Depression and anxiety. At 16 (im almost 40) i was put on anti anxiety medicine and antidepressants. I’m still pumped full of them.

As a young teenager weekends and some evenings were spent downtown at ‘toronto airport church’. It was super wacky. I recall super loud music and yelling men. People falling over laughing and shaking. I stepped over bodies staying late into the night.

As a teenager i couldn't speak in tongues, i didn't get knocked over onto the floor laughing or crying uncontrollably like everyone else. I never got healed when the faith healers showed up. I didn't believe any of it but was too scared of the consequences… so i kept busy making and building and working constantly tinkering with businesses and new ideas and smoked weed to not face fears of the world.

I was taught to be homophobic. Ellen degeneris coming out as lesbian was the first time i heard about same sex couples. Ellen was demonized and it was clear that she was very bad. I love Ellen she is fun and generous and inclusive and happy.

This RTS group is the first time i have knowingly been around people who are not heterosexual. I feel ashamed about that. But honoured and brought to tears at how caring, thoughtful and human everyone is. I felt grief over all the years of separation from so many wonderful parts of humanity.

I was held out of sex ed at school and just knew that sex means you give up part of your soul to someone, and it lead to orgies, homosexuality, diseases and ultimated eternal punishment.

I did mission trips visited guatemala, honduras, south africa, congo, zambia and zimbabwe. Im haunted by having so much after seeing so much suffering...

ADULT

Basically i smoked weed and worked hard. I never looked up or inward out of fear. I avoided for 20 years.

My parents are still deep in the God hole. For example, they are not getting the covid shot because it is the devils work to bring in the Globalists and their global agenda. All a sinister plan ushering us closer to the end of the world! They believe this.

So I’m an Entrepreneur. Main business is 13 years old. Grown to global size. Felt horrible for being successful. Horrible for having any money. Like i was going to hell unless i gave all my money away. I couldnt feel Joy in this life meant hell later. I was not allowed to be proud of what i had built. Not allowed to be joyful. I should be saving up for gifts in heaven. Suffering was noble.

I did everything in life right in life and felt terrible.

I had years in Deep depression. I would Wake up in the morning looking forward to sleeping again soon.

Thats when I hit a turning point! “I would rather go to hell than be alive.”

So one day in the shower i said ‘fuck you jesus just kill me this sucks being so afraid and feeling terrible. I dont believe in God’ – and nothing happened. My greatest fear was denying God and I survived it this April 2021.

Started therapy… did 6 week intensive in-care recovery at homewood in guelph. I got to unpacked everything in a safe place. The hospital introduced me to the concept of Religious Trauma.

Continuing to do all sorts of therapy and mental health is a big part of what i do with my time. Thankful for this group. It is very helpful.

Fundamentalist christianity was the only reality i knew and i was to scared to even think to question it so im kinda discovering a whole new world.

I am working hard to change thought patterns.

It is hard and scary work but FUCK IT i want to be happy and calm and alive and strong and i know that it is just a matter of time.