I have no idea what I want to say. I feel so many things and then a wave of nothing at all. Often times, I feel broken. But then the people around me will say I'm brilliant, that I'm one of the smartest people they know, that they've never met anyone like me. How can all of those things be true if I don't feel it?
It is very hard to have so much knowledge in your brain and all it's beautiful interconnectedness but then also be overly humble and anti-narcissistic such that you feel uncomfortable leaning into it. There was a time within the last year where I was certain I could achieve anything I wanted. I no longer feel that way.
Even though I have a partner, I still spend most of my time feeling alone. I don't want to sound dramatic, I don't want to sound like there is nobody who will understand me or that I am above or beyond other people and that's why I'm all by myself in the clouds. I spend countless hours perfecting the words I say and the feelings I express to best represent me so I can connect with others in an authentic way. Even still, I find myself bending to the energy of the environment and sometimes I get mad at myself for doing so.
When you are partnered, when you spend your time loving someone else, it is also important to love yourself in the same way. I know how to love myself, I think. I do things like this – I write. I try and believe in myself and root for myself in all that I do. I want to believe in the things I say and feel firm on the foundation I stand on. I feel like having a partner can make that harder if they don't love you in the same way you love yourself.
I am incredibly emotional and sensitive. Not sensitive in the way of being easily offended, but sensitive in the way of empathy. If you are upset, I will feel it viscerally. If you are happy, I may cry for you. It just comes naturally to me. It can get confusing when the people around you will say that's impossible and the only feelings you can have are your own. But... of course. I have feelings that are activated by way of you. The only way I am able to feel you is because I feel me. If we don't feel ourselves, we can't possibly feel others.
Sometimes I wonder if my partner feels me. Like truly feels me. Because sometimes I think she doesn't feel herself. How is the way I feel going to penetrate her soul if they have to go through her own feelings? How can she possibly understand what I truly feel if she isn't calibrated on her own plane? I hate asking these questions because I feel like it makes me sound like I don't think she's emotionally aware or intelligent. It's simply my own fear of not being understood. I will usually find opportunities to notice her lack of understanding of my being rather than her affirmative understanding. We've been together for awhile now and sometimes it makes me sad how I don't think she deeply understands the things that really matter to me. But she loves me in the way she knows how, and for that I am grateful.
Here are some feeling words to express what's in my body right now: fear, stress, overwhelm, nervousness, sadness, loneliness, anticipation. I tried to think if there are any happy words I can put in there but I honestly can't. Right now is really hard. It's really really hard. I feel like I am in the deep trenches of some deep ass shit and it's hard to see the sky. But I have to trust, ya know? This is the lesson of the century. How do I know that I know that I know? Because I am aware that everything waxes and wanes and these feelings in my body will transmute into something new by the nature of my actions and the world around me. I am excited for that. Oh hey, look – I'm excited. Pretty cool.
I want to make a difference. But I believe that statement is lame. I don't want to make a difference because I think the world needs differing. I want to make a difference in people's lives in a way that just makes their souls feel at home. We live in an uneasy, increasingly fast, chaotic, stressful world. And to feel relaxed and at home even for just a few minutes can really change somebody. I want to be that for others because that's what I need for myself. And I don't have it. I've been endlessly searching and putting myself out there in a radically vulnerable, authentic way but I have yet to feel safe, heard, and seen in the way I truly think I need to expand and grow in the way I want. I have had to be that person for myself. But there's only so many things one human being can do. It can get a little cramped in here.
To care deeply for all that surrounds me takes a toll. To care less is inauthentic and painful because it isn't me. To walk around as not-me, although perhaps energetically easier in the moment, ends up putting me in much more energetic debt to realign to my true nature. Sometimes I wish I were naive and ignorant. I know that is selfish, but a girl can dream.
I can't really write much more today. My head might fall off my shoulders and roll down the street. Thanks for being here and I'll talk to you soon.