write.as

I am slowly starting to slip back into the valley that is depression, and pulling back from the ledge each time is so difficult.

In March 2019, I was diagnosed with severe depression and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I started medicines and therapy, and left it in a few weeks because I got caught up at work.

Things had been going smoothly, though. I felt well, as if I had a better control over things in life. I still felt the void and the confusion at times; but I was probably distracted with more pressing-seeming things.

Usually, off-handed, unrelated things or situations would make me slip. Sometimes it would begin when I look at something, like a table clock. And I would not have known it to be connected to my emotions ever before that point. And suddenly, all I can feel is unreasonable melancholia. Some other times, I become acutely aware of the anchorless-ness of my life, and feel despondent for the entire generation that is reeling in this paranoia about the future and its roles in it.

Once, my mom told me about how as a kid, I would never cry immediately after getting wounded. Much later, I would look at the wound, think of how it must pain; and cry in grief. This story of the past, unsurprisingly, got me very upset.

Yesterday, I re-read my MCMI evaluation.

“Impulse-control issues. No sense of self. Socially anxious and insecure. Predominantly depressed.

And I now feel it all coming back to me. This time, it is a tangible evidence of my lack of equanimity that is attacking the nebulous balance.

I could not have hid the report under my bed and hoped the issues to vanish, of course. I have to tackle it. And I don't have the resources (time, money) for therapy. I have started reading Feeling Good by David Burns which has been recommended by many people to me. But I think it is a good idea to actively work on one important aspect, something I have been seeking since a long time now.

A sense of self.

My following posts would be my journey to find/develop/discover this sense self.

I did not want to work on this alone. But I cannot bring myself to publish these thoughts, unless anonymously so.