Confession: I've Cheated on an Ex.
There, I said it.
Like most cheaters, I had my reasons. My ex was emotionally manipulative, verbally abusive, great at undermining my self-esteem, and inevitably became jealous of anyone who expressed friendship. I didn't realize it at the time, of course... I just sort of assumed that me feeling worthless reflected the way others saw me too.
But you know what? I had my petty revenge. I cheated on her.
And because I’m me, I felt horrible about it. It took me a long time to realize, but cheating on her didn't make me a monster. It just made me a lonely girl whose inner rebel wanted to get back at the person who I knew, deep down, was destroying me piece by piece. So yeah, I slept with another girl because she was nice and she was willing and it was nice to feel wanted. You know?
I know, some people say that there are no good reasons to cheat. Like, “you're in a relationship, you have to be loyal to your partner!” Okay but you know what? Relationships are covenants, built on mutual trust and affection, if not love. If your partner is not upholding their end of the deal, why the hells should you feel like you are bound to its terms?
Okay, think of it like you're buying an, I dunno, a car. You love this car, it's the perfect car for you. But then the car dealership takes a bat to it, slashes the tires, smashes the windows, and pulls out the seats. Would you still feel obligated to pay for the car?
No? Well, cheating on a shitty partner is kind of like refusing to pay for the car.
Here's my hot take: If you're in a relationship like mine (or worse, there are many that are so much worse) then I'm not going to judge you for seeking solace elsewhere. And it's not going to be me just saying “oh I understand” because that implies that you're wrong. No, I'm going to celebrate your decision. You wrested control back from a terrible person, at least for that glorious moment. They broke the pact by treating you like trash. They expect to command your loyalty? FUCK THEM.
You? You did what you could to take back your life. GOOD FOR YOU.
That's not the only time people cheat, though: Sometimes, like... no one is at fault, things just aren't working. Maybe you're trying your best to ignore issues for fear of hurting your partner, or maybe you're both aware that things aren't okay. Maybe you’ve talked about it and maybe you haven’t. Whatever the details are, you're both unhappy. And then because the universe is the ultimate trolls sometimes, someone tempting comes along and well... things happen. Or maybe they don’t, but you come pretty damn close and you know it might just be a matter of time.
Look, I sympathize, even if I’ve never been there. To have something that was once wonderful fade, or for fundamental changes to render your relationship incompatible, that has to be hard. I don't judge you if you've cheated if you’re in this sort of predicament, either... I just feel sad that something you once cared about has died.
If you're this person and you're tempted to cheat, talk to your partner. If you've already cheated, well... give it some thought. If you want to work on things, then... as much as you hate me for telling you this, you should talk to them. Don’t be the dick that lets them find out just as you’re regaining their trust. Honesty with the people you care about is important, you know?
If you're sure things are irreconcilable, though... just do the right thing and break up, okay? Personally, I don't think I'd tell them what happened, because I'd not want to hurt them and honestly, I'm a little bit selfish; I’d not want to see the hurt it would causs. But everyone is different. You'll have to decide what to do if this is you.
And then there’s this fucker…
Maybe you're the sort of person who just doesn't care about other people's feelings and you cheat because you feel like it. You don't care if it hurts your partner, you just want to do what you want to do. Maybe you rub it in their face and laugh at their pain, maybe you just keep it secret and do it behind their back. Yeah, you know what? I am judging you, you poisonous shit-filled dumpster fire.
I hope you catch some new and terrible disease of the genitals.
And with that... I think I've said enough.