Sleeping scares me more than anything

A guilty conscious will destroy you. As weeks pass it only gets worse. It hurts to even think about how my mental health will be in the next year. It’s something I tell my self to take day by day but when I slip and look at the bigger picture the anxiety overwhelms me and I turn to writing. Even in writing I won’t admit in text what’s keeping me from sleeping these past few months. I can distract myself all I want but still it’s there waiting to surface, waiting to throw me into a mental state that will crush a man. They say some one without a guilty conscious has no trouble sleeping, I only wish I can throw myself in that’s mans shoes for just a night. One night where I can sleep peacefully it’s been so long it hurts. The days aren’t nearly as bad as the nights when I’m all alone and I can’t even talk to the internet in my fear. I strive to be a good person but when I think what I did it’s hard . It makes me question weather there is a point and I know the answer is yes there is a point but damn does it hurt either way. These thoughts love to come in when I’m reading or trying to better my self. Dark dark dark when will I get a glimpse of light and glimpse of peace. Even if it’s only for a hour I just want to have peace. That’s all I want. Take me back to when I was a kid let me run around with my friends one more time. No worries just fun. My heart literally aches and I deserve it that’s the worst part. Coming to term with the fact that I deserve this it’s my punishment.